Fiancé has been friends with this lady (about 40 with three kids and divorced). They meet at work before Fiancé and I knew each other and have been friends ever since. She gives him career advice and he advice outside work. He has a good group of friends and I don’t have any hassles with it because I am the same. I actually like that he talks to people all ages, genders and has maintained a good friendship.
He got a call from her yesterday night. She lost her youngest son and has been on a downward spiral. Has no friends or family to provide immediate comfort. Fiancé wired her some money to cover the cost of funeral (she earns very well but with her parents and kids, all depending on her, she has had her hands full). Now she wants him to fly to the place of the funeral to provide some emotional comfort. She doesn’t want to go alone and face her ex because she might blow up. (She partly blames him for the son’s death. Son was living with the dad at the time).
I am trying to think of it in my head as to whether this should be something I want to talk to him about after this is over. I understand the need to support your friends at the time of need. We both have a good circle of friends and being there when needed is crucial. Its only when the gender is different, that I seem to think of it more and analysis as to whether we need to draw a line somewhere.
I fully trust the finance and have no issues. I also don’t want to come off as an over jealous person. I believe in the individual maintaining their own space and freedom. What do you guys think? Is this normal and I am overthinking something that should be normal friendship etiquette’s.
PS: If it were me and one of my guy friends was having trouble, I would have probably flown and helped him. But I don’t see it as an issue when I do it. I know double standards.! I can’t seem to help but have double standards..! something I have been working on. Maybe because I trust me more than I trust him.
You kind of answered it yourself in your P.S statement. You are indeed keeping double standards. Don’t. If you can, fly with him just so you don’t keep thinking about what is going on there while he is with her.
I was going to say no he shouldn’t leave his wife to help a female friend (there are other ways to help without it affecting ones own personal life..and hes already gone beyond the responsibilities of a friendship by giving her money). After marriage, if both husband and wife are okay with having friends of opposite sex then there needs to be some boundaries set between friendships of opposite gender and for me personally that would be crossing the line if partner had leave family to go travel across country. Because then the friend especially the one that is groeving keeps expecting more and more to the point where it will start affecting your relatiomship–she’s going to keep coming to him for emotional support as grief can take a significant amount of time to overcome if ever. The line needs to be drawn somewhere. But then I read your PS. If you too would leave your husband to go help a male friend then there is no issue here and you too should let him go.
If she really has no-one else but your fiancé then I think it is appropriate for him to go. After-all you do trust him. Why don’t you also join him if possible to offer additional support.
PS: If possible, just fly with him to provide added comfort to her and yourself. Since you are all for helping friends in need and crucial time (as yo said), I am just trying to think of any other time more needing than death of a son…
I love how even when I have a slight doubt and can’t really talk to anyone, I can come up here and ask for suggestions. He is flying out day-after and will be back in a day. I have work and a project deadline so can’t fly with him last minute and even though I could try, I decided I just needed to let him go alone and learn my LESSON of letting go, giving him the freedom and trusting. Friendships are important and I should know better. For me it’s a new relationship and I am learning :-)). Reading the responses and thinking about it helped.
PS: For someone who said be ashamed..etc.,
I am sure everyone has doubts and issues (Or I hope so) during the most weakest of moments but it’s the action you take that matter. My head is always going through stuff but doesn’t necessarily mean I would go make an issue or take action. Hence the post to see what people think.
?? Don’t who this is directed to, but OP has every right to consider it and doesn’t mean she’s being inconsiderate. Her husband has already gone beyond the basic responsibilities of a friendship by giving her money. There are many ways to offer help, but leaving behind family to travel across the nation is a bit too much IMO. I’ve seen these situations ending badly (either end of friendship or end of marriage) especially if the grieving person starts demanding more and more of the persons time as the year goes by. I can see this happening and a line needs to be drawn somewhere where it’s not affecting your own personal life. A grieving person can become attached and dependent on a person especially if they’re lonely and don’t have a support system of their own. And it becomes more awkward later on so it’s better to set boundaries early. There are so many ways to help and support her without it affecting his own marriage.
There are many people depending on this woman; it seems that maybe she is the only breadwinner. Being financially tight can place a tremendous amount of stress on a person and it can affect their health and their relationships. That said, if a person helps to alleviate some of that burden by providing financial help, I don’t think it’s a light matter or one that can be dismissed. People will sometimes complain that their loved ones gave them a shoulder to cry on but didn’t offer or lend/give them money, etc. Emotional support can also be provided via phone and email…and I am sure that OP’s fiance already did that…and by wiring her money…he really has done quite a bit.
He’s not being discouraged from flying out to meet this woman. But the OP is asking if she is justified in being concerned and in answering her question…one has to think long-term as well and not just about the current circumstances.
The woman said that she’s afraid to see her ex because she might explode at him. If her ex is also the father of her other children, then it’s likely that she will have to face him on subsequent occasions in the future. And each time she does so…it may not be possible for a friend to accompany her for emotional support. Yes, she is in pain and while we don’t know the circumstances behind the child’s death…the ex husband is also a parent and also lost a son and is also grieving. It will take time her to heal and when one is feeling vulnerable, it’s easy to become very, very attached to the person you’re seeking support from. And if that starts to come at the expense of your partner and the marriage, that’s when it can get messy and the issue of limits comes up. I didn’t get the impression that the focus is on the assumption that monetary support should be more than enough when helping a friend. The issue is being looked at from a broader perspective taking into account various possibilities and their potential consequences.
Read the entire sentence next time. I said beyond the BASICS..it’s more than some friends and even own relatives would do, especially in this current economic state
I do plan on having a discussion once we are married. I won’t make it a discussion point now that I have had time to think over it. But a general discussion at some point will be good. We both are very good with communication and talk about everything.
Giving money is not an issue. Both fiance’ and her, work in the same company. Different teams now. She is very professional and has provided great advice on career. She has also gone through a lot which I am aware of and can sympathize. I don’t want to act as a douche specially during this time and make an issue. I understand she needs support and may get attached (Like redvelvet said) but fiance is completely committed and I have no concerns from his end. However, I don’t know much about her to comment at that level.
I feel like I should let it go this time and once married, maybe talk about where to draw the line.
The good thing is he is flying out early in the morning, attending the funeral and flying back in the evening. He asked if I wanted to come but I didn’t want to (I have work, its going to be short hectic trip and I just decided to let him go alone). I also avoid going to out of state trips together until we are married and so bailed out.
I sometimes wonder whether it’s better to be proactive in a relationship and avoid situations like these (even if they could end up being harmless) or completely trust the other person. He is a grown man of 29 and I would think if a situation does come up, he would make the right decision. Otherwise, I would be babysitting his everyone move. I don’t know. I am still trying to figure that out
I’d like to think what my religion tells me. But then again my interpretation of religion tells me not to have any friends from opposite gender, in the first place.
I’ve learned my lesson the hard way; whenever I do something that my religion doesn’t support, I do happen to fall on my face.
May Allah protect us all.
