Re: Help
I’ve tried right from the very start by being hypothetical about everything regarding their approach to marriage and they seemed open minded etc. However as soon as I’ve introduced the guy to my parents they had issues that we met online rather than actually seeing us for what we are and the compatability we have. However, before all of this I left it to my parents and they didn’t do anything when I clearly expressed I wanted to find someone.
Every time I try and show reason why I am happy with this guy it’s not taken on board and my parents seem to not know how to go about this rishta process especially as it’s the first time for them so I do understand it’s hard but I’m not being listened to at all and the way this whole process is done can affect families in future especially if seeking independent references which my parents want to but don’t know how to do that!!!
I feel that having know this guy for a while and seeing the interaction between himself and his family and himself and my family. That speak volumes in itself. However my parents instead want to go in the community and ask about him, it doesn’t feel right and is out of context when you already know someone on a more personal level in these meetings and you already have indications about his character. I’d never have brought someone to my parents if I didn’t see a lot within him and I’ve said that to them.
It’s not even like a typical rishta scenario where after those 2 meetings you would have some idea where this is going. Instead it feels like my parents are stalling because this has all been slower than me and the guy would have liked and it’s frustrating because it’s been about 3 months since I spoke to my parents and I never know what it is they want to do when we all meet up.
In the last meeting questions were meant to be asked from my side but apparently ‘circumstances’ led to that not happening. Even to call the guy’s family seems like the most difficult thing for them and every nice thing they do is taken for granted like their friendly and welcoming nature.
Some of the questions my family want to ask are from this supposed ‘guideline’ which I haven’t seen. But essentially at the beginning me and the guy asked all those serious questions like outlook on life, where to live, Islam and spirituality, about family, what our strengths and weaknesses are, what our opinions in certain things in the news are and the notion of equity in our marriage and treatment of children. There’s a definite compatibility and that’s why I introduced him to my parents because I saw a lot within him to want to marry him.
However after this 2nd meeting the reservations my parents have said are that they want security and for there to be house. However me and the guy discussed this and are in agreement on what we want to do. It’s like I am ignored in what I value or want. Another thing they want to do is do the independent references by speaking to the community, my parents also wanted to find out about finances even though you don’t need to go that deep to know he’s financially stable and that wasn’t what I was after in the first place either. My parents have this view of the husband being purely responsible for everything and I think if I have the means to work and help of course I’d contribute. The guy never demanded that, it’s actually because I want to and things are more difficult now than before even in terms of getting a house in this day and age. Instead my parents asked who’s name the mortgage would be in and whose money will be used to decide it. Things like that are just never ending. And I just sense that there won’t be a point where my parents will feel okay with everything. Some of the things been said seem materialistic and out of the essence of marriage in Islam and that’s what I’m having difficulty with. Things shouldn’t be delayed or prolonged and it should be encouraged especially if both people agree. I just don’t see my parents moving things forward when it’s in their control. The guys family lives a little far so at the moment it’s been monthly visits so that doesn’t help although to phone is always there but my parents don’t actively do so.
What can I do?
OP, Given the online cheating scenario, your parents are ought to be worried and its good they want to do due diligence. Its not bad at all if they want to check with the community about this guy. infact, not doing it would be a bad idea.