*Let you tell my problem:teary1: It started this Saturday the 4th November. My dear and very lovely Brother In Law (my Baynoi) who has been ill for such a long time (16 years) was in hospital and the doctors told us that he would not make it past Sunday. Well that proved true as he passed away on Sunday the 5th. Well you see the problem started because one of the brothers (my wifes first cousin) is a right idiot and even though I am a religous man yet there is only so much a perosn can take. Well as you guppies know I have four daughters and so I have obligations to them as well. *
Well my Baynoi lived in a place called Chelmsford and this is 62 miles from where I live and a good 1 hour 20 minute drive. I tried to help the family to the best I could even taking abuse from someone so close to me. It was really difficult to face hardship from both sides even when I did no wrong. Well the funeral went well because I made sure it did and I made sure the two sons who are not so religous did everything for there father all the way to even putting his body into the grave. Yet still the remarks did not stop.
When I got home I talked to the person who I feel should have understood (my wife). Yet all it did was cause a huge argument in my house with my wife
*and my oldest daughter. After 21 years of a false flag wedding I am worried that I have lived a lie for so long and stayed with my wife just for the girls sake. What life is there when you both do not wheter you will hate or love each other from one hour to another. I love my girls but as a dad yet I feel I’m a rubbish husband and father as I just can’t get things right. I don’t know what to do am I doing the right thing by staying or should I go. I have tears in my eyes as I write this as I’m stuck between jumping out the frying pan and into the fire.
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Re: Help
err…
First of all our deepest thoughts for the departed soul
May Allah (swt) forgive his sins and grant him a place in Jannah
Secondly - I dont understand your problem - sir
What has the whole episode got to do with the relationship b/w you and wife ?
Re: Help
If ur girls are young and ready to marry then don't leave.Keep quite for some days.Islamically if u don't feel right and want to leave first step u need to do is stop talking for some days and i hope situation will get better at ur end by that time. ameen
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its tragic, so what you going to do know
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Its just that every time I try to help others ot backfires and my wife feels I should not help others as I should concentrate on my girls. She feels I help other people to much and should be more selfish as other people would not ever do anything to help me as I help others. my wife is very political as her Father is. They say you hurt the ones you love. With regards to my daughters they are 20, 17 and twins of 13. Yet i do not want them hurt by the constant arguments that have gone on ever since we were married.
I don’t know ?
Re: Help
this is a very critical age and they need their mother, i mean it isnt long when your daughter would be getting engaged or married and iss tarha kai kaam in my opinion mother do better, this socializing thing etc. have you had a good talk with your wife.
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AOA WRWB Br. Ikhlaq786
Really none of us here will be able to give you "REAL" advice...The best place for you would be to go the imam of your masjid explain your situ. and ask for his advice. Mind you if your imam is young and recently married or even single then find someone who is more mature and has own children..
we can offer our 2 cents worth...
I mean I have 3 girls and have been married for a little less than a decade...
Although sometimes I think of the same "how do I become a better husband and father..."and "when and if will they ever be happy with me..."
All I can tell you that you have not lived a lie. The woman you speak about has also spent her life serving you and "your" children. Yes thats right. According to shariah she was never obliged to cook and clean for you. She could have demanded a maid and even a nany for nursing the children. But in our background women mostly are taught to do this "optional" task as an "obligatory one". Now all of this devotion to you all her life for what? So that she can be unhappy with you sometimes or even , heaven forbid "yell" at you ...
well I will tell you a story of Umar RA (second calpih of Islam) as I have heard it to be true...if it is not verifiable then may Allah SWT forgive me. Once a man was in need. He was told to visit Umar RA. when the man reached his house he heard his wife yelling at Umar RA. The man started to turn back and walk away, but somehow UMAR RA saw him so asked him of his need. The man said he is surprised to hear Umar RA being so weak infront of his wife. Umar RA responded that the woman bears my children and takes care of my home and protects her chastity ...is it not her right to be upset sometimes....
So dear brother, I am sure you are a good husband and father but I don't know you or your situation completely. If your wife has never cheated on you and in todays materialistic society has stayed with you for all these years then maybe her anger or "lack of understanding" is coming from something real...or maybe you are not being clear with her... I mean even though she spent her life with you , she is not you.. you can't assume for her to be thinking the same way as you every minute of life. She is an independant person. TRy to talk to her again. Give her a gift and ask where things went wrong.
Go to your imam and visit him together so that he can act an intermediary b/w you.
May Allah SWT help you!
I won't mind PMs on this subject from you or any other. I was once in the admin. of an Islamic center here and saw some cases of domestic misunderstandings. These taught me to look at my marriage in a totally different way.
WAllahu Alam
ASAk
Re: Help
But it will be more painful for ur daughters if u leave them,they will think that our dad never loved us thats why he left.and from world point of view it will become hard ffor them to survive in the community because they will not be married easily.
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u can asko ur question on www.shariahboard.com or u can call them they are very good imam maulan nawal-ur-rehmaan
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I am a daughter myself and i am telling u the true feelings even though u don't talk to ur daughters but asraaa hota hai aur dil mein umeed hoti hai ke hamara dad hamare paass hai :(
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Inna LilAh-e-wainnaillaihai rajeon
ikhlaq what I gathered from whatever you mentioned here is that you need to set your priorities.. no doubt your family comes 1st and you should give utmost attention to your family.. BUT you must bring balance in your relationships... make it clear to your wife that NOW you have responsibility of your sister's too BUT in the mean time also make it clear that this WILL NOT divert your attention to YOUR family. May Allah give you the strenght..
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to all on here for helping me. I really appreciate the advice. Sometimes you need to talk to some one who does not know you as they give the best advice. **Thank You all my Family of Gupshup. **
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so sad