Re: Help Needed
First of all, I would like to apologise at the below could be very long and full of grammatical errors etc
I don’t know where to start…
We have had many issues in the past but I think i’ll mention 2 of the msot recent (over the last couple of weeks)
Woke up on a Sunday and whilst my wife was asleep with the baby I cleaned the upstairs and downstairs bathrooms as well as hoovered the whole house and then I mentioned to her that we need to go into town to look for a bed. Any way after going to a few places we got back and I went upstairs and rang my mum who is in Pakistan. Now my mum has been there for about 4 months and this was the second time I was speaking to her so after a 10 minutes conversation I came downstairs with the laptop and mentioned to my wife that we should continue to look for beds on-line as we haven’t looked at all on-line. She just sat there with a face and then just erupted. ‘You deceive me’, ‘you’re a liar’ you’re a dic*. Here I asked what she called me and she replied again with the same and then she said ‘you know what I said’ I asked here what the problem was and she mentioned why did you go upstairs to speak to your mum so I said calmly that she is my mother and i can speak to her whenever and wherever I want and all the doors were open so I did not hide my conversation, the baby was asleep downstairs and I end up having to shout to get my words across and Finally you never ask about my mother in all our marriage so why should I bother to ring in front of you. At this point she got really agitated and said ‘your mother never bothered with me, so why should I bother’. Rather then go further into an argument I said to her what is the problem then, you can talk to your mother whenever you want and I can talk to mine whenever I want. At this point she put my child into the pram and said she is leaving, I was shocked and said to her for what reason but she left. 5 minutes she came back, blamed me for everything, that she is the way she is because of me and then suddenly burst into tears and apologised for her behaviour.
Woke up as above and did pretty much exactly the same thing but this time when we got back she asked what we should eat to open the fast and I said to her that I have been called to open my fast at my sisters house by my brother in law as they want to do a dua for his mother who passed away on this day a few years ago, he has called 3 - 4 men and that once done I shall come back or I may eat there. She flipped and said that I cleaned up all the house so that I could go to my sisters house and that I am a liar and a deceiver, I replied to her that why would I need to clean the house to go to my sisters house for an hour, it does not make sense. She complained that I do not spend any time with her at all during ramadhan. I said to her I finish at 6 and home for 7 and taraweeh starts at 11 so what do you want me to do? I have stopped reading he Qur’an when I get home, this was last year or the year before, all I do is come home and sit with you and my kid and that I have had this argument every ramadhan, I said to her I have memorised a few juz but none have been memorised at home because you always complain and I don’t actually do any worship at all at home, nothing. She then complained that I take my nephew to the mosque at night which takes me an extra 5 minutes (he lives 1.2 miles away) and that why can his dad who does not go take him, I said no, he does not go himself and should I leave him and blame the father??, it takes me 5 minutes and I will go, she was not happy.
I got back from the dua (in total I was out the house for about an hour and I did not eat on purpose because she could have another excuse. I got back in and took my time eating cereal and a cup of tea, my wife asked me why I am taking my time to which I replied that I have decided from now on I will not go to mosque to pray at all and she started forcing me to go. I said to her you cannot one minute complain and shout the roof down and then now tell me to go and that I have decided that it is my worship and I am not going. She picked the baby up and put her in the pram and said I am leaving and if you do not go and pray I will leave you. I went and prayed.
My sister called everybody over to their house days after eid and so I mentioned it to my wife, I could see her facial expression change. First she complained that we have rented a house but I haven’t done anything to which I replied I have bought a few items already. Then she went quiet and she then said that she refuses to go to anybody’s house who does not bother coming to hers, I didn’t understand as my sister and her husband have been twice since the baby has been born. Anyway I just said that ’ it is fine if you do not want to come then I will go and take my daughter’. She then started swearing and got extremely loud whilst holding the baby stating ‘my child will not go anywhere without my permission’, ‘having a child does not give you a key pass to take her wherever you want’, ‘I will never let her go anywhere without my permission’ and the weird thing is that we live on the same street as some of my family and I have only taken the child there once as it is literally less than a minute walk. She also said that that ‘do you think you have had a child and now you can just pick her up and go down the road to your brothers house?’. I wasn’t really shocked at her behaviour during the argument as that is her. I replied that if the baby needs your permission then she also needs my permission and if she cannot go with me then she cannot go with you and that means that she cannot go either to your family houses or my family houses and none of our families can come here, that is fair for the both of us. She then went quiet. I said to her that I would like to hold the baby and she jumped up, said ‘she is my baby and ran upstairs to the bedroom, banging both the doors and locking the bedroom door, it was locked all night so I slept downstairs’
In each argument she would not let me hold the child at all.
I want to know what am I doing wrong here? Is it me, if it is then I need to know what it is? What do I need to fix about myself? Why must my child be used in such a manner? when she was going crazy I could see the eyes of my child just looking at what is going on?
My routine
Is there anything I should be doing that I am not. I feel as though I am living as a single person as I do everything myself. If I do not do it my wife will BUT she will say the usual stuff about her doing everything in an argument, like recently at my in-laws she had to say that she wished I could cook to which I replied that I am always helping you but that is not good enough for her.
Is this normal behaviour, I see no rational explanation for this at all
I am actually stuck now and just do not know what to do.
Everything is an issue
She thinks she owns you and therefore can treat you however she wants to treat you. You’ve already tried reasoning with her and that hasn’t worked, has it?
I’d recommend you stop doing the household chores, at least temporarily. Make sure you have your laundry and stuff taken care of but that’s it. When she brings that up during arguments tell her you didn’t think she cared if you did housework or not cause she never said anything good about you doing that. Don’t be at home all day on the weekends. Go out, do something, do anything. When she brings it up let her know you stay out for her sake because you don’t want to bother her with your presence. She’s been putting you down for a while now, it’s time you return the favor.
And this might mean not being able to spend enough time with your kid but hopefully she realizes her f up soon and you’ll eventually be able to get the time with your kid you desire so much.
And keep conversations minimal. Don’t beg, don’t grovel, don’t ask what you can do to make things better. Say what needs to be said and that’s it. Don’t get into long drawn out arguments. Listen to what she has to say then think. Think some more, enjoy the silence. When you do answer try to say things that will make her think about her actions. You not doing something is not about you wanting or not wanting to do it. It should be about her behavior making you think she doesn’t care about or doesn’t like you being at home, cooking, cleaning, whatever and that you don’t want to bother her.
That’s an understatement.