She is my niece and as her Mamo I am very much concerned for her betterment. During my stay here in Pakistan, I observed that my niece has some psychological issues. And that is mostly the way her parents deal with her. She is only child therefore since start getting more attention and love from all elders.
I notice that her behavior sometime become rude. Sometime she don’t want others to talk about her. She also now having a sense of “insult”. For example, her mom reminds her about prayers in front of all, then she don’t like this.
What I have observed that the problem is mostly from her parents side. Her father comes late from work and therefore cannot give her more time. Also, I notice that her father do unnecessary jokes with her. Like taunting just to get a smile on face etc etc. Her mother is much talkative. She exaggerates all situations a lot. In urdu its…“aik ki das lagana”… He mother always keep comparing her with others. That see XYZ prays on time, XYZ study well. and etc etc.
I don’t like both parents - the way they are upbringing her only daughter. Also, they live in joint family so there are less rooms. She still shares the same room as of her parents.
Now, what I have observed is that, parents need some guidance/counsellings for the better brought-up of their daughter. I don’t know where in Pakistan such counseling is done? Also, if anyone know any book on child psychology or how to do “tarbeat” of child there PLEASE recommend. Preferably in urdu, because parents has problem in reading in English.
Psychological problems lol. Your niece doesn't have psychological problems, she's just being spoiled. Unfortunately, I'm not quite sure what you can do as casual visitor in the home other then talk to the parents about your concerns. Don't expect that conversation to go over well though. Parents such as these tend to not like "parenting advice" from others, especially if that person is childless themselves.
There are no major issues here. She is going through a huge transition in her life. Entering puberty is extremely complicated for girls, and I know it by personal observation as my older one just entered that phase. They get too sensitive, as they don’t know how to handle this newly developed ego (which all the adults have).
The issues of taking jokes personally and taking slight offense about the namaz reminder in presence of everyone is what we faced with our 13 years old. We quickly learned that that she is a grown up now, so we can’t treat her like a kid. Just imagine if I come to you in the presence of few people and ask if you have done your prayers or not? I am sure that you will not like it. I am sorry to say, but when parents remind their kids of namaz in the presence of others, they are fishing for compliments from others, not for their kid, but for themselves.
Also, I am assuming that your BIL is joking with her as his little baby. She is no longer, so just like she is transitioning into a young lady, your BIL needs to transition into a dad of (almost) a teenager. They don’t need to change their parenting style. They just need to accept the fact that your niece is a grown up person and they need to treat her like one.
In our society we call this age "kachi umar" for this reason only. There are alot of behavioural swings, change in attitude and this goes on till the end of teens. Kids are learning during this entire age transitions, what they think is correct right now they may find absolutely absurd a few years later.
Parents cannot be blamed. Everyone has different style of parenting and like khatti said she does not have psychological issues she may be just a little spoiled.
She's behaving exactly like a teenage girl. This will be a troubling time for most parents. The problem is even you think she should be treated like a child which would be a huge mistake. She's at that age where she wants to be treated like an adult without actually being one. Not even having her own room also will make her resentful. She needs her own space and her own autonomy. Doesn't mean her parents let her run wild but she should be given more responsibilities as well as space.
Yes, I have spoken about the matter with my sister. She is also fully aligned with me, but we both don't know how to handle daughter's behavior. If you ask me, then, I notice more issues with my sister's behavior than her daughter. As I said, my sister talks a lot, exaggerates a lot, keep reminding her daughter about studies and namaz infront of others, comparing her with others. But since I have discussed these issues with my sister, she has corrected her behavior, she no more compare daughter with other, do not scold in front of other etc etc. But of course these changes will not come in a day. Therefore, I wanted a book on child upraising in urdu so I can give to my sister. She (sisters) actually needs help on how to deal with children.
I agree with member "TLK", "diamond321", "khattichic " , "StrangeOne ".
Me and my sister visited one Psychologist, and this is what he said, that its more due to transition from kid to teenage.
Please advise how to deal with daughter during this transition. I am just worried she do not become stubborn and aggressive from this very young age. I don't want her to be spoiled. She is really nice, intelligent and normally remains in top 3 students of her class.
Also, I notice, my niece always tries to giver her 100% in whatever she do. Means she goes for "perfection" and if she do not achieve "perfection", she minds this a lot and tears appears in her eyes.
Personally, I was the victim of this "perfectionism" phenomena which I corrected after my senior colleagues identified during work and said you go for perfectionism which is good, but eats a lot time and normally this is not good approach as it holds you on one DOT until you resolve it perfectly then you move on. I have notice same for me, that I takes lots of efforts which require more time than normal. However, I have tried to fix this issue with myself, and its very difficult for me to fix this issue, but I keeps myself reminding that I should not get lost into task for the pursuit of perfectionism. In my view, achieving perfectionism has both +ve and -ve effects, but I think it has more "-ve" than "+ve", because in real life there are many things to do in parallel and if we stuck on one point then we'll lost other tasks.
I am a bit creeped out that you think about your niece to such lengths. She's going through puberty, growing up, every girl and person does on the planet. You need to mind your own business.
Well, certainly I have no issues in oiling my own machine. However, I think it would not be a bad deal if "at-least" I can help/assist in giving a clue to my sister for the solution. She might get a direction to move towards resolution instead of bothering herself for the situation. I am of course will pack-up and will be back to my business.
I agree with member "TLK", "diamond321", "khattichic " , "StrangeOne ".
Me and my sister visited one Psychologist, and this is what he said, that its more due to transition from kid to teenage.
Please advise how to deal with daughter during this transition. I am just worried she do not become stubborn and aggressive from this very young age. I don't want her to be spoiled. She is really nice, intelligent and normally remains in top 3 students of her class.
Also, I notice, my niece always tries to giver her 100% in whatever she do. Means she goes for "perfection" and if she do not achieve "perfection", she minds this a lot and tears appears in her eyes.
Personally, I was the victim of this "perfectionism" phenomena which I corrected after my senior colleagues identified during work and said you go for perfectionism which is good, but eats a lot time and normally this is not good approach as it holds you on one DOT until you resolve it perfectly then you move on. I have notice same for me, that I takes lots of efforts which require more time than normal. However, I have tried to fix this issue with myself, and its very difficult for me to fix this issue, but I keeps myself reminding that I should not get lost into task for the pursuit of perfectionism. In my view, achieving perfectionism has both +ve and -ve effects, but I think it has more "-ve" than "+ve", because in real life there are many things to do in parallel and if we stuck on one point then we'll lost other tasks.
Aside from teenager rebellion years aka all the anger and no where to put it as we all have been there, why is she staying in her parents' room? As someone said, she needs to be given responsibilities and then treated as an adult like given her own room.
Btw, why is the couple married if they can't even afford such basicities? Marriage is not an obligation like namaz, don't people know?
PS I wouldn't like the dhakosla islam that parents are doing with that namaz bit. Are the parents actually setting a good example by behavior of namaz and other islamic acts?
I am a bit creeped out that you think about your niece to such lengths. She's going through puberty, growing up, every girl and person does on the planet. You need to mind your own business.
Strange, people are supposed to worry about their families welfare, I know people who have raised nephews and nieces as their own. Why would you be creeped out at it?
