I belong to a well educated , progressive but at the same time conservative family. Recently I found out that my teenage daughter is seeing this boy from her school. He is a senior and she has been meeting him behind my back. I confronted her and she admitted. We had a long discussion after that and she promised that she won’t break my trust again… but then only yesterday, I came to know that she is still in touch with him and they are still meeting up … I m devastated. Don’t know what to do. Cant trust her anymore . I told her if she likes him so much then tell him to send his family and I will get them both married… But I was shocked to hear that she is not interested in marrying him. I guess they are just having a good time.
Please help . I don’t know where I failed in raising her and installing good values in her.
A failed mom !
Re: Help , my teenager daughter is seeing a guy !
What I am reading is
The guy is not interested in her
She doesn't trust you
She doesn't want another scolding/confrontation
She will carry on meeting him
Re: Help , my teenager daughter is seeing a guy !
There is nothing wrong with your upbringing, teenagers are hormonal they have instincts to rebel and experiment, girls are curious about guys and vice versa. This is a difficult time for her and she needs you the most to support and to love her, Love has to be unconditional and all humans should have the right to choose their own path. She will continue seeing this guy or another and if you go crazy it will ruin your relationship and her life with the way things are nowadays girls eventually would like to marry guys they know and like. I have seen situations where parents are unable to find grooms for girls and they tell them to maybe find their own and the girls complain that they never let them talk to boys so they don't know how to find boys.
Re: Help , my teenager daughter is seeing a guy !
I am afraid u r right that she will continue to meet him.. What I am shocked to find out is the fact that she is not really interested in him nor is the boy probably ... And they both are probably just passing time. How can I allow this to happen? What can I do to stop it ?
Not sure what u mean by that she doesn't trust me.. Trust me with what ? Do u mean she doesn't trust me to come up to me and tell me her stories about the boy. Of course she knows very well that I will never approve of this behavior. I have never stopped her from interacting or having friendship with boys as long as it is within the limits and the relationship is healthy. But I cannot give her permission to cross the boundaries Do u think parents should give up their values and principles just to gain thier kid's trust ?
Re: Help , my teenager daughter is seeing a guy !
Well , I agree times have changed and believe me it's not that I have put strict restrictions on her. She is allowed to meet boys as long as it is within limits and is a healthy interaction. The boy is a failure anyways , he drinks , he womanize and I don't want my daughter to get into any trouble.
I have discussed that with my daughter and she does agree but then she keeps going back to him. I just don't know how to stop it. I can't lock her up or monitor her 24/7
Re: Help , my teenager daughter is seeing a guy !
I am afraid u r right that she will continue to meet him.. What I am shocked to find out is the fact that she is not really interested in him nor is the boy probably ... And they both are probably just passing time. How can I allow this to happen? What can I do to stop it ?
Not sure what u mean by that she doesn't trust me.. Trust me with what ? Do u mean she doesn't trust me to come up to me and tell me her stories about the boy. Of course she knows very well that I will never approve of this behavior. I have never stopped her from interacting or having friendship with boys as long as it is within the limits and the relationship is healthy. But I cannot give her permission to cross the boundaries Do u think parents should give up their values and principles just to gain thier kid's trust ?
I am a result oriented person, in the west you can't really force a teenager to do anything you just have to quietly tell her the right thing and stand by her, what she is doing is called experimenting, girls here will date many boys just to explore to see the kind of boys they like and then commit to the one they like, or not. Also they might be lonely or insecure or have peer pressures just let them grow up she will mature lots in a couple of years this is just how nature made teenagers. Be thankful she doesn't like the loser. As for strictness my boy tells me about this Pakistani girl who comes from a very conservative maulvi family and her father beats her to a pulp yet behind his back she eats pork, dates and parties so if his forceful manners failed how will yours work, even the fear of honor killings hasn't prevented this so no here force will not work only support and understanding will. Sit down with her and have a friendly heart to heart.
Re: Help , my teenager daughter is seeing a guy !
Also when they turn 18 they are classified as adults and we really should not strive to force our values and principles on them, When my 18 yr old asks me for permission I always tell him that he is an adult and has to make his own decision but I do discuss with him the pros and cons and help him see things from a different perspective. His girlfriend at 18 had a couple of boyfriends before and she really likes him a lot but I did tell him that this relationship might work or it may not and as long as they learn and grow there is nothing wrong with it. Teenagers have a very high depression and suicide rate, my big concern in raising them was obesity, drugs and depression.
Re: Help , my teenager daughter is seeing a guy !
You are progressive but at the same time conservative. What does it mean?
Please write the age of your teen age daughter ...
Re: Help , my teenager daughter is seeing a guy !
Geo,
I so believe she is undergoing some form of peer pressure and obsession phase mixed together. Teenage hormones are terribly confusing and make us do wierd things .
In your given situation I know exactly where you are standing right now, your family values are very important and your daughter should be standing by them too . So I suggest you subtly keep informing her how this guy will impact her and her future. Sometimes we tell the kids one or two times and feel we have said enough . When in reality its not enough. The daughter needs a reminder through various examples and at different conversations .
Tell her pros and cons . Obviously there arent any pro's but just think of some generic ones for example , She will get to see how materialistic people can be etc .
Tell her you are standing by her to protect her . Keep an eye and be around her . Give her a few more times without stopping her . Just keep telling her ahead of time how the guy may harm her or damage her, so if it happens she knows exactly what is happening and avoids the situation as best as she can.
Try to get to the bottom of it , why is she still going after the guy? what is attracting her? Does she want attention ? she wants male interaction to see whats out there ? etc .. This is the time to give up smaller tiffs to win the bigger battle . So stay close to her , talk to her , help her like a friend would , rather than stopping her crudely, or lecturing her or reminding her of values again and again .
Hope you know what i mean . Sometimes subtly said things can change an entire perspective .
Re: Help , my teenager daughter is seeing a guy !
instill, not install. unless she's a robot and you are running after her with a floppy drive with "good values".
and hey, if she doesnt like the guy enough to marry him, you have nothing to worry about. :D she already knows she's better than him.
Re: Help , my teenager daughter is seeing a guy !
I told her if she likes him so much then tell him to send his family and I will get them both married..... But I was shocked to hear that she is not interested in marrying him.
The boy is a failure anyways , he drinks , he womanize and I don't want my daughter to get into any trouble.
So you would really give your blessing for your daughter to marry and make a lifetime commitment to a guy who is a failure, who drinks and womanizes?
Do u think parents should give up their values and principles just to gain thier kid's trust ?
I assume your daughter is around 16/17? It's not about giving up YOUR values. It's about recognizing and respecting the fact that your daughter is old enough to have her own set of values and principles which may be different from yours.
Re: Help , my teenager daughter is seeing a guy !
Sometimes winners aren't what they ought to be. We knew a power Indian couple both specialists but the guy was abusive. I saw many guys who weren't great in high school but have great lives now. Teenagers go thru phases and need to hang with different kind of people to explore and find out who they really like. I used to fall for mean women when I was younger and after dating a few it occured that it is just the conquest that drove me and I shouldn't marry a beech. So let teenagers explore. Give them tools and reinforce values in a non authoritative adversarial way and they come back to you, go crazy n lose them forever.
Re: Help , my teenager daughter is seeing a guy !
I belong to a well educated , progressive but at the same time conservative family. Recently I found out that my teenage daughter is seeing this boy from her school. He is a senior and she has been meeting him behind my back. I confronted her and she admitted. We had a long discussion after that and she promised that she won't break my trust again.... but then only yesterday, I came to know that she is still in touch with him and they are still meeting up ... I m devastated. Don't know what to do. Cant trust her anymore . I told her if she likes him so much then tell him to send his family and I will get them both married..... But I was shocked to hear that she is not interested in marrying him. I guess they are just having a good time. Please help . I don't know where I failed in raising her and installing good values in her. A failed mom !
Yes, teenagers are going to explore but as a Muslim parent you should guide your daughter gently. That is a haq that your daughter has upon you as her mother even if it's something she fails to understand or appreciate at this point in time. How far your daughter goes is something that you may not be able to monitor/control. But at least by speaking to her you will have done your zimaydari...agay us ki marzi. While I understand that a harsh or abrasive approach may backfire on you to where she rebels, but at the same time I personally am not in favor of such a laid-back/dheela-dhaala/laparwah/modern approach where even a major gunnah (zina or the potential for zina) is severely downplayed and treated with the attitude that explore karne do...saari hadain paar karne do. Exploration is natural ....sure....and urinating and defecating are natural too......but one with a sound mind and sound iman exercises those urges within boundaries/limits. So, have a gentle and open and honest dialog with her. Telling her that she should tell this guy to bring a "rishta" was not honest on your part because I doubt you'd happily accept the rishta of a guy you see as a womanizer or loser. And teenagers can see through such lies...and it becomes like a joke to them. So continue talking to her...and then it 's up to her to decide when she wants to wake up.