Summary: A girl and I really like each other, have been talking for hours every single day for last 6 months with the intention of getting married. I recieved permission from her parents to talk to her for marriage and my parents were involved as well. When I visited the girl and was spending entire weekend with her (her parents didn’t know I was visiting), her parents had gone to a dinner and gave their word to another guys family (family friends) without her knowledge or consent even though they knew that their daughter was talking to me and we both really liked each other.
The issues being raised: Her family was offended that my parents had to postpone their visit by a few weeks so they started considering others and said yes to the first ristha they got locally. Girl also lives in a different state in US, her parents want her to live near them after marriage so this new ristha is better for them since guy lives in same city. Her family is worried that they dont know me or my family because we met through a ristha proposal aunty but the girl and I have met several times and really like each other and have really good understanding and chemistry and share same values–neither of us have had met such a perfect match before. We are also both very qualified physicians and are from a good family background so it’s not like either of us are a bad proposal or a bad match.
I called her mom and begged her to at least consider me properly and give me a chance but she said it was too late that they gave their word to the other family and already informed relatives. Her entire family is telling her to stop talking to me and to take off her promise ring that I gave her but she refuses.
My mom is now putting pressure on me, telling me to have some self respect and stop pursuing her and that we can find other risthas.
Both of us really like each other and we both are now fighting for each other. I don’t want to lose her and she wants to marry me also.
Question:
I don’t understand why I’m not being properly considered by her parents all of a sudden–nothing changed besides my parents postponing by few weeks for legit reasons. Her family is making issues but those issues were there from beginning and were never mentioned issues until now, why would they give us permission in the first place and let their daughter be with me for 6 months if these things were such dealbreakers?
Any advice on how the girl and i can go about handling this?
simply because her parents think/believe they got a better 'deal' from the local guy. you talk to the girl and ask her to straighten out the mess with her parents.
Your family needs to visit her family as soon as possible (even if you are not invited) They need to see that you are a better match for their daughter. If nothing changes, threaten to elope. I don't understand parents who manipulate their adult children.
Where is the girl in all of this? If you weren't in the picture, I understand her being quiet but if she likes you...why is she not taking a stand?
She is taking a stand, she's fighting her entire family saying that she's being wronged they went behind her back, she's an adult and a professional and she should have the right to choosing her husband, she told her parents it's haram to force marriage, she refuses to take off her promise ring I gave her she wears it on her ring finger, she refuses to stop talking to me even though her family is insisting.
They're telling her they love her and care about her, wont do her wrong and are making the best decision for her and to trust them. Theyre saying Allah could not have given them a better ristha. They requested her not to ruin her family's reputation since the ristha is within their community, the ristha is her brothers friend, they're telling her they won't ever talk to her again and will disown her. No daughter wants to hear this. I dont like that because of me they're having issues like this, this is not how I wanted it to be, I even called her parents in beginning to get their permission to talk to their daughter for marriage.
The sad part is that it's all just so unnecessary.
People have such big egos. They can't "force" her into anything, she doesn't live in some 3rd world country. Both of you are qualified professionals, probably in your late 20s/early 30s, and can make decision for yourself. Tell her to stand up and tell her parents firmly of what she wants, protest if she has to by reasonable means, i.e. moving out. Or she can get an elder sibling involved, or another close older relative who understands her POV. You should get your parents to be more flexible also, and have them reach out to her parents, and have a decent adult conversation.
She is taking a stand, she's fighting her entire family saying that she's being wronged they went behind her back, she's an adult and a professional and she should have the right to choosing her husband, she told her parents it's haram to force marriage, she refuses to take off her promise ring I gave her she wears it on her ring finger, she refuses to stop talking to me even though her family is insisting.
They're telling her they love her and care about her, wont do her wrong and are making the best decision for her and to trust them. Theyre saying Allah could not have given them a better ristha. They requested her not to ruin her family's reputation since the ristha is within their community, the ristha is her brothers friend, they're telling her they won't ever talk to her again and will disown her. No daughter wants to hear this. I dont like that because of me they're having issues like this, this is not how I wanted it to be, I even called her parents in beginning to get their permission to talk to their daughter for marriage.
The sad part is that it's all just so unnecessary.
my parents said the SAME EXACT things to me (plus a little more drama actually) when I introduced them to a guy I wanted to marry. There were no other rishtas involved, so that's not why they were saying no. but they were upset cuz I chose my own guy. anyway, after a few months of being hard headed and making them well aware that I WILL marry him, they backed down, and I have been happily married ever since ! So, yes this rishta between you and your girl is very possible, you both (especially her) just need to stick your ground no matter what. There was no way on this earth I thought my parents would back down, but when they saw how stubborn I was about him and that I was making the right choice, I got to do things my way.
so, if this works our ot not, is really dependent on you two, not the parents. Trust me on this, please. I know from experience cuz I went through the SAME THING
Her parents are ready to kick her out of the house. She doesn't know what to do. Shes always been dependent on her parents. Any other advice for the girl?
She ended it with me after her parents and brothers created doubts in her mind about going into a marriage without parents approval. Thanks for everyones help and advice.
There are two separate issues. Her parents rejecting your rishta which seems arbitrary and unreasonable and the bigger one, them forcing her or deciding for her who she must marry.
It's over now and until you meet someone else, you'll always regret the one who might have been. Worse is that she has to live with her parents' forced decision on who to marry. I feel sorry for her and hopefully she'll find happiness in her circumstances.
There are two separate issues. Her parents rejecting your rishta which seems arbitrary and unreasonable and the bigger one, them forcing her orbdeciding for her who she must marry.
It's over now and until you meet someone else, you'll always regret the one who might have been. Worse is that she has to live with her parents' forces decision. I feel sorry for her and hopefully she'll find happiness in her circumstances.
We had a fight several weeks ago over something silly and her mom saw her upset after the argument but fights are normal in relationships and we had resolved it on our own and it was no longer an issue. Her mom wanted to end it between her and me as a result of that one fight plus everything else I listed above so her mom told everyone in her family that I make her miserable which is so far from the actual truth. The girl tried to clear up all the misperceptions but family refused to hear it they said I was brainwashing her. Def is tragic parents knew we both were really into each other and were crazy about each other--they didn't like that either from the beginning.
Since both of you are physicians, I am shocked at how clueless both of you seem to be. Are you really this lost when it comes to desi culture and how arranged marriages work?
Her parents gave you (and their daughter) permission to talk. That does not mean they gave you (and their daughter) permission to go ahead and decide if you want to go ahead with this marriage. You spent an entire weekend with their daughter yet both of you (adult physicians) hid this from her parents…so that indicates that BOTH of you knew that there were limitations to what her parents gave permission for. Did YOUR parents know that you spent the entire weekend with this girl without her parents knowledge? Or did you hide that from your own parents too? And her parents certainly never gave you permission to give her a “promise ring”.
Learn how arranged marriage work in Pakistani culture. Until a official baat pakki happens, either side can back out. It is ridiculous for you (and this girl) to pretend like you two are dating and plan your entire future without getting an official “yes” from both sides. When parents give permission in situations like this for a guy to talk to their daughter, that does not mean they’re giving both you the green light to fall in love and start planning the wedding!
Learn a lesson from this. Talk to girls just to see if you two are compatible. Don’t give “promise rings” or ASSUME that its a done deal until an official engagement happens.
P.S. I am amazed that two physicians in the U.S. managed to find hours every single day for 6 months to talk to each other! What specialty do you two practice? Clearly that is what my husband should’ve chosen.
