help again!!

Lifestyle Relationships
21

Thanks!

22

I personally think that you can handle it more diplomatically yourself than having your hubby handle it.

Use your fil visit to create good and sincere bonding with him. Maybe they are emotionally numb family but I seriously doubt that they on purpose did not congratulate you. Your bonding will help you eliminate any misunderstanding that you might have for them. Plus, in one of those good family moments, you can always politely and with respect bring up your concern of not getting congratulated, and also the fact of feeling uncomfortable to travel too soon with your baby without hubby. Also tell your hubby that young baby and new mother needs lot of private moments and traveling with your susar alone will be uncomfortable and maybe embarrassing, especially during feeding times and all.

23

Re: help again!!

I'm not sure I agree with this part. What is it with our culture that our in laws are given a passport to completely own our lives? Yes we should seek guidance from them and ask for their opinion, but to come and go in your own house where you and your husband are living independently, and stay for as long as they want - is that fair? It's YOUR house, and it should be a MUTUAL decision about his stay.

I know how you feel RoseAli because encounter these problems with my in-laws, and I'm still trying to work out how to solve them. But I don't think there's anything you can do to shorten his stay. Try to keep positive - run your house the way YOU want to run it, but smile and laugh with him to keep him happy.

Also, just another thought - do you think perhaps you having a GIRL (and not giving them a 'potha') might contribute to your in-laws' lack of enthusiasm?

24

Re: help again!!

So your in laws did’t congratulate you … they actually did to your husband but anyways ...... not a big issue …. next …. You have a problem with your fil coming & visiting you guys ….. what is wrong in it? …… Its their son & “first grandchild only their son could give them” ……..obviously they want to see her ….... . On one hand you are upset about your in laws not being happy & on the other hand you are upset if they want to see the baby …… they must be more than happy hence FIL coming to see his grand child so soon & taking you to pak so others can see her too ……so let me rephrase again that this their first grandchild only their son could give them…… that’s why they are doing all this out of happiness …..

as far as making his visit short is concerned…. how about you try to make it long ? ….. just saying ….. he doesn’t even live with you guys & if he is coming to visit you for few months … try to be nice and all …… & that isn’t even his random visit ….. he has a solid reason for his visit ….. & thatttt issssss …. let me rephrase again, he wants see his first grandchild only their son could give them.

You want to go to your parents .... is your husband going there with you? .... as you mentioned you don't want to go alone & want to travel with your hubby .... you have problem going to pak but you dont have a problem going to your mothers ? .... the thing is both parties want to see the kid ...... as much as your parents & your side wants to see the baby ....... your husbands side want to see the baby too .... becauseeee.... let me rephrase again for you that this is their first grandchild only their son could give them.....

25

Re: help again!!

Maybe her parents are in the same city. traveling to Pakistan without husband can be quite stressful. It is better to go with your spouse especially when you have a little one as well.

26

help again!!

Op, I can relate to your feelings. I too have just in the last year or so learned to adjust and work out my emotions for a situation where we could all co exist sanely together. We have our own place now so it's gotten easier. Your in laws don't even live in the same country so I think you should appreciate your situation for what it is. I get it, you would like to feel loved and having a baby is a huge deal in a persons life. They SHOULD have congratulated you, I mean it's their grandchild but if they didn't, leave it alone. Agree with someone that you wanted to feel they were happy for you when you had your baby but yet the thought of your FIL visiting is making you so uneasy. You need to let it go, with the expectations. They didn't wish you or speak to you, so you need to maintain the same distance and not expect things but also not hold grudges. That's unnecessary dramabazi. It will not only be better for your happiness but for your relationship with your husband.

As for your FIL and going to Pakistan. You need to just firmly tell your husband that you will only be traveling with him and back with him when he can finally go. It's not fair for him to expect you to go by yourself with such a young baby to Pakistan of all places. Your FIL is your family and all yeah but traveling with a new born baby is not easy, your husband needs to be there. He is the father. When he is available to travel he should be traveling with his new baby to spend time with his family together. Just throwing you into an uncomfortable situation when he knows your concerns is not fair. I don't understand men like that. I'm not sure what kind of relationship you guys have but you just need talk to him and be nice about it. You can't be forced but you need to be vocal that its important for your husband to be there with you. Just be nice. I completely get your concerns but sometimes I think out our emotions get in the way so quickly we forget to keep our cool. I think most men hate how their wives sometimes react to these tense situations, we do tend to freak out. Just relax, your not being shipped off tmrw, it's a conversation that will gradually take time to sink in. Let your FIL visit and have a nice time. You don't need to stop living your life, go on about your own day, your in your home. Just don't be rude or inconsiderate, treat him like you would any other guest. It's not easy but after his visit you'll feel a lot better if there is minimal or no drama while he was here. Don't put more tension on the relationship, just be nice while maintaining your day to day routine as you would.

27

Re: help again!!

I think you can easily sway your husband by saying how baby is too young and will be disturbed by long trip and will be further disturbed by missing her daddy even though she can't voice it! Just like they said they would distribute mithai and didn't do it, I am certain these plans about taking you back to Pakistan are empty words. Don't fret about it. Cross the bridge when it comes.

28

Hmm TLK you have some good points! How can they not congratulate as they were informed when I was going got delivery and when I have birth. I guess they were expecting a boy!

29

I'm not sure I agree with this part. What is it with our culture that our in laws are given a passport to completely own our lives? Yes we should seek guidance from them and ask for their opinion, but to come and go in your own house where you and your husband are living independently, and stay for as long as they want - is that fair? It's YOUR house, and it should be a MUTUAL decision about his stay.

I know how you feel RoseAli because encounter these problems with my in-laws, and I'm still trying to work out how to solve them. But I don't think there's anything you can do to shorten his stay. Try to keep positive - run your house the way YOU want to run it, but smile and laugh with him to keep him happy.

Also, just another thought - do you think perhaps you having a GIRL (and not giving them a 'potha') might contribute to your in-laws' lack of enthusiasm?
[/QUOTE]

Yes that's exactly why they didn't do much congratulations! During my pregnancy they have hopes pinned on boy and how they will do grand celebrations etc blah blah..

I envy the Western culture regarding husband wife and their families relations! Atleast they don't inyefere in couple lives!

30

Re: help again!!

RoseAli dnt envy the western culture's family interactions. You would be surprised how many have issues with in laws and parents. And their family dynamics are nothing to aspire to. Grass greener from afar and all that

31

Re: help again!!

Congratulations to you OP on the birth of your baby girl.
you must convince ur husband with logic and make him travel with you.

on your in-laws not congratulating you, it come across as discourteous but it doesn't portray that they are not happy on their granddaughter birth. instead of thinking negative about them, look at this way that ur FILis coming specially to see the baby and taking you n da baby to Pak. Ofcourse everyone back home wants to see the baby and spend time with her. if they wouldn't be excited about her they wouldn't make the effort to meet her.
you said they talked about distributing sweets but haven't done so, that doesn't seem to be a big issue. they might have some logic for that or they might be waiting for the baby to arrive in Pak to do some celebration.

on making your FIL stay short, i would suggest you better focus on creating bond with him rather than making him leave soon. pls remember that he has a right to stay at his son's place as long as he wishes. hasn't your routine/lifestyle changed after the birth of your baby? so can you not accommodate a little for your FIL when he is living with you guys.

32

Re: help again!!

if the FIL is coming and staying at his son's place how can this mean that he is given a passport to own the son and DIL life?
also i would say that a son's house is a parents house as well.

33

help again!!

^ Mmm I wouldn't say that. My mom and dads house is exactly that their house. The one my husband and I are building together is what I can actually say is mine. Not to say that her FIL can't stay there, not at all. Just because his son is living there though, doesn't make it automatically his dads house. I don't quite understand that.

I think they meant about how FIL wants to take the baby and her back with him. She doesn't seem to have had much say in that decision.

34

Re: help again!!

I agree, that was pretty insensitive of your in-laws to not even congratulate you on your daughter's birth.

Firstly, you should not feel pressured into making a long journey against your wishes, especially with an infant. Tell your FIL and husband both, that you are not comfortable traveling without your husband. As others have pointed out, it's likely to get pretty awkward when you have to feed the baby. If you say a firm no, what are they going to do?

About FIL's visit itself, there's not much you can do. The best you can do is be polite, and get on with your own life. Luckily you have a baby now who probably takes up a LOT of your time anyway. You have to tread carefully because he is your husband's father and this could turn into a my family vs your family argument pretty quickly. Treat FIL with respect but stand your ground.. just because he is your FIL doesn't mean you get bullied or your own parents get disrespected. If I was in your place I'd definitely bring up the "you did not congratulate me on baby's birth" thing at the right time. It doesn't hurt to call out people on their behaviour, provided you are not disrespectful yourself. It tells people that you are not okay being treated shabbily.

35

Re: help again!!

please stop creating issues out of nothing.

So, now they didnt congratulate you because you had a girl? :rolleyes:

  1. They congratuled your hubby. You’re married to their son. They dont need to go out of their way to congratulate both of you. Congratulating one or the other, should be the same. Just be happy they did.

  2. Yes, inlaws dont need to intervene in your family life. Yes, it can be a hassle when they come and stay over (if they dont already live with you), but if they are coming… please dont go out of your way to shorten their visit. Even if you say nothing, it’ll come across in your behaviour and IMHO, that is EXTREMELY rude.

  3. Show some respect.

  4. How do you expect your husband to respect your family, if you dont do the same

  5. Grow up

  6. Stay happy

36

Re: help again!!

Please DONT do this

It is inappropriate. Silly. Playing the victim game.

Leave it

37

help again!!

With inlaws calling anyone out whether it be hers or his family never ends well nor does it help your position. Don't say or do anything except get over it and stop holding expectations. Your husband doesn't seem to care, their his parents, leave it alone seriously and get over it.

After years of attempting to "bring up" an issue will drain you emotionally you will learn it is not worth it. Leave it be and let go of your expectations.

38

Re: help again!!

You're getting me wrong, ladies. There is a difference between calmly communicating your feelings and throwing a tantrum or nursing a grudge. If you don't tell others that something has hurt you, they will never know and you'll keep getting hurt. Sometimes people don't realize they are being hurtful and do things because they don't know any better. Open, honest communication does more to improve a relationship than pretending that all's well.

A recent incident - my MIL shared some private info about me with someone in the family that I'm not as close to. I was raving mad! I called her after I had calmed down and explained to her that my ideas of privacy are different from hers and I am not comfortable sharing things with this family member as she is. It was not an easy discussion, but she understood, and now I know that I will never have to deal with such an incident again.

39

help again!!

He's here already and taunting me on every little things like you don't store things properly when I have, etc, do this and that! How will I survive few months!

40

Re: help again!!

completely different scenario.

Sharing private information is different from supposedly not congratulating both the partners on the birth of a child.