So I got engaged recently, but we were together for about 2 years prior to the engagement. The beginning was awesome, he was always there for me and acted so caring. When we would argue, he’d always make things ok. He’d check up on me during the day etc etc.
Ever since we got engaged, he’s changed completely. I don’t even know who he is anymore. We argue a lot less but when we do argue it’s always HUGE. I’m the kind of person who can’t hold in my feelings so I always make sure he knows if he’s upset me or anything. But he acts like he doesn’t care. If I’m crying to him or venting about something, he’ll turn it into a joke and change the topic like nothing has happened. It’s so frustrating as I feel like I’m so alone. It’s always me starting conversations, it’s always me apologizing (even if I’m not sorry) just for the sake of not arguing, it’s always me making plans. It’s always me! If I disappeared for a week, I bet he wouldn’t even bother finding out where I am…
I get that the ‘honeymoon stage’ of the relationship is over, (hopefully the honeymoon stage returns when we get married iA) but there’s a fine line between getting used to someone, thus changing the way you behave around them, and turning into a complete pr*ck. I get the feeling that he thinks “oh she’s mine now, I don’t need to put in an effort anymore”? I can’t even speak to him about this because we argue every time I bring it up and he never takes me seriously. Don’t get me wrong, I still love him but I want to go back to that stage in the beginning when he actually SHOWED he cared. It’s like I need reassurance so I constantly ask him if he still cares. His response is always “you don’t know my feelings, I don’t need to tell you that I love you in order to love you.” Okay fair enough, but at least show me? If you act like that all the time then obviously I’m going to feel that the ‘spark’ is missing? I feel that part of the problem is that we don’t see each other as often as we used to. It gets difficult only communicating over the phone or FaceTiming. But how can you act so different over text than in real life? I can’t see him more often as we’re not married so our parents won’t allow it and uni has finished, so I see him literally once every 2-3 months.
Anyways, I just wanted to vent. I know I’m not perfect either but I at least try to make an effort and keep him happy. Any advice would be appreciated.
I don’t really have a choice. I went against my parents wishes and fought for this relationship, whilst he supported me. Everything was going fine, it’s just now he’s undergoing this sudden personality change. When we have our good days then they’re reallyyy good. When we have our bad days then they’re reallyyy bad. I’m just trying to figure out if it’s normal for guys to change their behaviour after engagement/marriage, or if it’s just my guy who’s the a**hole
Keeping the spark alive over long distances is HARD! Men specially don’t know how to handle it. When I am away from my husband, a small argument can be completely blown out of proportion. It’s easy for misunderstandings to happen and create an emotional distance as if physical distance wasn’t enough. Another thing is, if he feels you are too needy or clingy, he will naturally pull away. You can risk/try acting as if you don’t care and watch him become more loving and caring overnight. It happens a lot in almost every relationship where two people care for each other. This test will prove to you whether or not he really cares for you. He knows you care so he is acting like hot ****. Try that on him.
I think you are in a very tricky situation. Over time a relationship should ideally improve as your understanding of each other improves and not deteriote. I’m sorry you are going through this. I have to say that long distance is very hard and it’s tough that you are not able to see each other very often. Therefore, hard to make a judgement as to what might going on in your fiance’s head. As far as my own experience with my husband goes, he definitely did not change after we got engaged and then married. But the engaged period was challenging for us as we were planning the wedding and there were some family issues going on at the same time. So planning the wedding was definitely a very stressful time but then things went back to normal after the wedding.
Sorry don’t have a lot of great advice for you except that your fiance should definitely not change into a different person after the engagement, that’s a red flag!
I’ve attempted that before but I really can’t do it. I don’t think I’m super clingy, and if I am then it shouldn’t push him away considering he was the clingy one in the beginning and I didn’t dislike him for it. Oh how the tables have turned..
But I’ll take your advice and try to act like I don’t care. He’s ignored me the whole day and I don’t plan on messaging any time soon. I guess we’ll see how long it takes before he tries talking to me. I give it a week
Even your mom will eventually snap if you were to frequently ask her, “Do you love me? Do you care about me?” Replace mom with dad or sibling or best gal pal or replace fiance with some other guy and that person will eventually become irritated. How often do your parents or siblings tell u they love you? I bet it’s not often…and I bet you don’t require them to tell you that they love you because you know that they do despite the ups and downs.
I am more emotional than my sister so when I vent to her about work or a family member…I won’t get very far. She’ll tell me to get over it…especially if I’ve been venting a lot. I’ve been on the giving end of rant and wasn’t aware it was taking a toll on friends until they told me. And I’ve also felt exasperated hearing a loved one go on n on about an issue. So, think about whether you’re venting is excessive cuz it can be draining. And not everything is worth venting about…it’s good to let some things slide. Responding with a joke helps to diffuse the tension of a vent and if u rant a lot then eventually the other person will want to change the subject.
Why would he apologize to you if you’re always the one to say sorry and you have thus given him the impression that ur always wrong and he’s never at fault? Or maybe he doesn’t apologize for every error because he thinks that there should be greater tolerance/laxity in the relationship. Why would he make plans when you are always the one to make them? Why would he contact you if you are always the first to call him? Why would he make the effort if he’s become comfortable in the knowledge that u’ll always do the work? Why should he pursue you if you are the one chasing him? Maybe one of the reasons he was so attentive in the beginning was because you came across as more carefree whereas now you’re more clingy? Maybe I’m wrong…but it’s something to consider. It can be exhausting to a person if they’re being clung to. Take a break from him and have fun living ur life…or try to. Give him the chance to miss you. And if he’s still acts distant or cold then think about whether this marriage is right for u.
Our wedding is next summer iA, so preps haven’t yet begun. Lol I can’t imagine what we’ll be like when the times comes and everyone’s stressed about the wedding
Maybe your coming across as too clingy? Just try and tone it down a bit if so. There needs to be a balance in relationships from what i’ve seen. For example, you get one that’s too headstrong then the other has to be a bit more patient. Similarly, perhaps your the clingy or needy one and he’s the one that requires space.
Has he had a change in his life? A new job, a new city or any other changes of this sort? Is he going through some rough times at home maybe? with his parents/sibling etc?
I ask this because I have been in a very similar (maybe even worse) situation. My hubby (fiance then) had these spells (which lasted like a few weeks) where he would completely ignore me, not meet me, not even pick up my phone. Every time I tried to talk to him about it, he would act like nothing was wrong with our relationship and I was completely crazy. It was only after we got married that I actually found out it was all because he was going through a tough time with his father, so every time things at home turned sour, he would just put up a wall around him, which excluded me too from what he was feeling. Alhumdulillah Mashallah things are perfectly fine now after we’re married. I spent hours and days wondering what the heck was going wrong when all the time it wasn’t even about us, the reason was totally outside US. So, don’t feel insecure, he has stood by you for two years mashallah and he will continue to do so in the future also inshallah. Just give him some space, and see where it goes. I will not tell you to “ignore him, like he is ignoring you” its impossible to do and you will never be able to do it. Just relax, try to distract yourself, watch movies, go out, have fun… it will all work out with time inshallah
Also, like one of the posters has said, men are not good at long-distance (phone calls/texts/facebooking) … my hubby never even replies to my texts unless its absolutely necessary to. He’s still a darling
as long as its above that ZERO line, its fine. Just try not to be clingy or interrogative. Us men do not like to be interrogated for (small) reasons like “when was the last time you said I love you to me” or “when was the last time you praised my dress”. It does not have to come from zuban. Look for other clues and care he is giving.
He might be upset about something, so give him sometime. He might be worried about his family, or mortgage, or his job, or his car, money problem etc etc
Seriously girl, not everything is about you.
you should ask him if something is bothering him? do you need money? (mardoon ki gherat jaag uthti hai is sawal per :D)
Yea i agree with the first part of what Zobia said…not everything is about you. It can take a lot for guys to open up and admit to problems they’re facing. However, i do not recommend the money sawaal…thatll cause an argument (BIG ONE)
did you ever think there might be an underlying thing that is upsetting you, and that is why your fights are “huge”? when in reality, they really are not?
and maybe it seems like he doesn’t care because to him whatever issue you two are fighting about are not a big deal to him and worth shrugging off. maybe he tries to make you laugh and/or change the topic so that way you won’t be upset anymore and move on to doing something else besides fighting. rather than sitting there arguing over something which will bear no fruit, it’s better to switch the converstaon to something else and make you happy instead.
you have already made the committment to marry this person as he has done to you. problems (though not constant) will arise from time to time, that is just how life is. so you will need to learn how to cope as well. everyday will unfortunately not be a bed of lovely smelling roses.
and why do you need the constant reassurance of him saying he loves you? I get it, I would want my fiance/husband etc to tell me he loves me too, but just because you argue about something, does not automatically means he does not love you. (unless he is constantly telling you he doesn’t, which is not the case here). but if you are constantly wanting the lovey-dovey-mushy romance stuff, that can get annoying too. cuz again, that relationshp has already been established, and if you need him to constantly profess his love to you all day with nothing else better to do, then he might start getting ideas that you do not trust him, and worse- super clingy. super clingy is not cute. I repeat- NOT.
Thanks for the input guys. Some of you were right - he was having personal issues which he vented to me a week ago, so I kinda understand his change in behaviour. He also admitted he wasn’t as affectionate as usual (so I wasn’t going THAT crazy). Things are fine now alhamdulillah, so it’s all gooood
