My Husband is currently awaiting his visa approval to allow him to come to the UK and settle with me. My Husband has rarely spent long periods of time away from his family and now he will have to leave his country (and all that he knows and is used to) and move to the UK, where everything will be strange and unusual to him. I do not wish for my husband to have a hard time in adjusting to this new change and I know that he will miss his family and Pakistan terribly.
Please can you advise me on what I can do to make this transition easier for him? I love him immensely and cannot bear for him to be troubled during this transition.
A fair portion of the members of this forum were born and are living in Pakistan now, I would like to ask you; what would your fears and worries be if you had to leave Pakistan and settle in the UK? The chances are that your fears will also be that of my Husbands and if I can get an insight as to what might trouble him; I can put his mind at ease before these worries arise in him.
I would appreciate any advice you guys have to offer.
To be very honest .. Hang ups and headaches differs from one personality to another .. It would be more appropriate if you talk to husband openly on this migration matter ..
Try to find out .. what actually running in his mind thesedays .. let him speak his own mind and then try to cure his worries .. Would be more healthy and convalescent for your relationship ..
Just don’t go down to that route where ya need to have a Taylor made remedies for his pain and worries .. They don’t work in practical world lass …
I have talked to my husband about this, but I get the feeling that he is holding back some of his anxieties about coming here so as not to worry me (he knows I am a worrier and a thinker). Also when we do talk about it, he’s quick to change the subject; he says that he doesn’t want to think about it and will deal with things when/if they happen. It gets him down having to think about leaving his family and his friends behind. I have tried to put myself in his shoes but I can’t pinpoint any specifics, just general fears.
I’m not looking for a tailor made remedy (or a “one solution fits all”), I guess I’m just trying to get more of an understanding of the situation in general; maybe a recollection of some peoples experiences would be helpful.
just be there for him.. moving is never easy but for the right reasons one has to do it. Ask yourself, why is he moving to UK to be with you? Are are willing to move to Pak if he can't settle in UK?
Think about what sort of adjustment stuff you would need if you moved to Pak, then do pretty much the same for him ..
I think that for guys, the main issue in life (more so for girls) is getting a job we think is suitable for us - a man's job is much more a part of his identity than it is for a woman.
If he can get a job, he'll be on his way to happiness - having a job is a large part of a man's sense of self-worth. Conversely, not having a job will ultimately lead to misery.
Thanks for your responses guys, much appreciated!! :)
Ansoon
Think about what sort of adjustment stuff you would need if you moved to Pak, then do pretty much the same for him ..
It’s different for men and women so I can’t really put myself in his shoes or relate to what he’s thinking.
mAd_ScIeNtIsT
If he can get a job, he'll be on his way to happiness - having a job is a large part of a man's sense of self-worth. Conversely, not having a job will ultimately lead to misery.
He has a job waiting for him here and he also plans to look into undertaking a business venture some time in the future. I’m not a materialistic person and he knows this, so if he earned £10 p/h or £100p/h, I wouldn’t care less (it’s him I married and not his profession).
I guess I am just worrying too much and to let things just happen and deal with any issues/worries together when/if they arise.
He has a job waiting for him here and he also plans to look into undertaking a business venture some time in the future. I’m not a materialistic person and he knows this, so if he earned £10 p/h or £100p/h, I wouldn’t care less (it’s him I married and not his profession).
It's not a matter of how much money you make that's important to a man's happiness. It's instead a matter of being satisfied with the work that you are doing.
If he already has a job waiting for him, then I'm sure that between that and being with you he's well over halfway to happiness.
The remainder will be making friends with people he gets along with. If he has job, wife, friends, and a good telephone card call rate to Pakistan to talk regularly to his family, he'll be happy inshallah.
Barfii I came 2 U.S 2 yrs ago n b4 dat I had neva spent a day widout my family n i had zillionz of friendz, initially it was v depressin not havin ur family around n ev thin being different like the culture/corporate env/surroundingz. It @least took m sum time ( 1 n a 1/2 yr ) 2 go thru da transition but now:alhamd: say I m quite settled.
As maddy has already mentioned makin new friends with similar interests can ease up the process. I dun hv 2 spend my weekends @ home now but i still make a 2 hr call daily back home
I've not been in that situation but I think it would help him much if he looks at the whole thing as an adventure - setting out in a new life in a new land and all that. You can help make it this way for him by showing him around, sights and attractions that you think he'd enjoy - parks, museums, bookstores that have coffee-counters etc.
If you also unobtrusively help him learn the ropes of his new country it would be a great comfort I think. Like, show him how to maneuver around in subways, bus or train. Show him the grocery stores and places that he will be going to - how to get there and what there is available. I'm sure that once he is able to make his way around comfortably and knows how and where to find things he will be much more comfortable and feel less reliant on your assistance in these simple things.
I've not been in that situation but I think it would help him much if he looks at the whole thing as an adventure - setting out in a new life in a new land and all that. You can help make it this way for him by showing him around, sights and attractions that you think he'd enjoy - parks, museums, bookstores that have coffee-counters etc.
An excellent idea Mamaof3 . We can be like Tarzan and Jane in the jungle of the U.K. …:)
If you also unobtrusively help him learn the ropes of his new country it would be a great comfort I think. Like, show him how to maneuver around in subways, bus or train. Show him the grocery stores and places that he will be going to - how to get there and what there is available. I'm sure that once he is able to make his way around comfortably and knows how and where to find things he will be much more comfortable and feel less reliant on your assistance in these simple things.
A few more excellent ideas, thanks Mamaof3!
Hmmm, rather than driving everywhere I would usually go (cinema, supermarket, shopping centre etc), we could go there by train, bus or even walk. It would give us chance to spend some time together, for us to talk, and we’d get some exercise too! Bonuses all around!
Thanks again guys and girls for all your advice…:)
Pata hey kia...
Ap ka relation us key saath "key factor" ho ga, ager wo tamater hey ka matlab hey, keh you have differences, alot of them....Gulab Jaman ka matlab hey, ap dono kafii miltey jultey ho...
Aik aur baat...
Wo kitnii kushee sey aa raha hey...yeh baat bara role play karey gii, aur wo kitna willing hey yahan rehney men....
Tumharii support kee bohat zaroorat ho gii usey, tum hii us kii family hon gii....
Bas Barfii...usey depress na honey dena.....Depression men positive "tanqeed" bhee baree sarcastic lagtee hey........
Aur kuch kahoon.................
Mostly guys on this forum will agree with me that pampering teaches nothing. We all who came here from Pakistan, used our brains to discover things with the help of friends and family. I hope he is knowledgeable enough to discover and analyze the situation on this own. Just keep on encouraging and guiding him. If he falls down, doesn't matter. It will only make him stronger.
so u assuming he's worried about coming here, or has he said?
He hasn’t said so in so many words, but I get the vibe.
ahmadjee
Barfii, just the fact that you recognize it as a challenge for him shows that he will be fine and so will you two.
I hope so, inshAllah…
NaMaan
I hope he is knowledgeable enough to discover and analyze the situation on this own. Just keep on encouraging and guiding him.
He's a pretty independent kind of guy and he’s very “wise to the world”. So I know he’ll have no trouble in finding his feet. I just hope that the initial shock of life in the U.K. doesn’t knock him off his feet too hard.
Thanks again guys for all your advice. I really appreciate it.
I guess I am just worrying too much and to let things just happen and deal with any issues/worries together when/if they arise.
I'd agree with this. You do seem like a worrier. Relax. Your husband is already starting out with way more than what most people do when they leave their homes for a foreign country. He has a wife who is already well adjusted, and presumably a job that he can grow into. This is way better than the many stories I heard when I visited Canada where highly educated engineers and professionals from Pakistan moved their entire families to Canada, knew practically no one, were clueless about the rules and laws of a foreign land, and had no jobs for months on, and eventually got menial jobs to support their rapidly deteriorating funds.
One thing your husband will miss, and likely every FOB misses, is family back home and friends. Eventually one makes new friends, gets into the community and re-establishes a social circle. You can't rush this, but you can help here. There is no short-cut. Till this happens, keep getting phone cards with good rates to Pakistan.
And oh! once he is in UK with you... enjoy your time together. Before kids, and before countless other complications arise, trust me, you'd want to make the most of this time by yourselves.
