having friends of opposite gender after being committed/married

[ShimmerV]

Re: having friends of opposite gender after being committed/married

Well I’m not here to convince you rather here to give my experience on the almost 30yrs of my life that I have lived in a certain way. So I guess your experiences have been different then mine..who knows?!

Anyhow I think u r looking at relationships in a very one dimensional light or maybe I work differently for e.g when u compared my love for my friends with my sisters I would say its equal if not more. My family is my family not by choice but friends are like ur family with full knowledge of who you are and ur package and decide to be with you anyways. That to me says more specially because I had such a hard time being accepted for who I am with my family. The two people who have consciously understood me and signed up willingly for whatever I have to offer or not offer has been my husband and my friends.

This may sound brutally honest but if my parents or sisters even had a chance to pick a daughter/sister from a choice of 50 others they would never choose me and its not a bad thing honestly cuz I realize that a personality like mine not everyone can handle and want to sign up for besides it’s just sooooo different from their own.

Now that u have a little knowledge my back story and can view things in 2D i would again repeat myself and say yeah my love is equal for my family and friends.

I love my family and it took them a while to understand who I am and how I function, I still struggle sometimes but love for ur family is unconditional and almost in built in a person but I love my husband & my friends by choice cuz they love me back by choice & there is nothing more assuring then a commitment like that!

Any relationship comes with its boundaries and limitations. If I were to call my sister everyday at 3am for a favour even her husband would cringe but if once in a blue moon when its genuinely an emergency they would run to my rescue. So yeah, same goes with friends. I have the common sense and common courtesy to whether it’s with family/husband/friends to maintain a healthy relationship with giving each of them back the love that they have so selflessly shown towards me.

Regarding feelings, I have been around men long enough to know not to read much into their tough exterior. Yes they work differently from us but I feel it’s much more admirable then a woman (no offense to women here) I have seen men break and when they break, they break in such a way that no one around them can hear them..its honestly admirable to be heartbroken ( can be anything like loss of a loved one, not getting the one u love, losing a child etc) and still stand tall as you are te support for the others around you. I respect that more and have enough experience to look past the exterior they show the world.

Again, Im not here to convince you cuz I genuinely think/believe/repect that experiences shapes an individual. Maybe you have lived or seen things differently but what I have stated is my truth.

@redvelvet

That sounds strange to me. Do you love your friends “just as much” as your parents? Would you love your friends “just as much” as your kids? Yes, every relationship has its importance and place and that’s exactly why they are not equal and therefore some rishtay will (and should) naturally receive greater priority than others in terms of time and attention and sacrifice. I don’t believe that socialization with the opposite gender can continue with the same level of frequency and the same amount of laxity as it did prior to marriage.

@redvelvet

Yeah.. I still don’t believe that, SV. Your love is not “equal in quantity”…I don’t think it can be. You have relationships (parents, siblings, child, spouse) where you won’t hesitate to lay down your life or make some other huge sacrifice for that person if need be…whereas you wouldn’t be as easily willing to make that exact same sacrifice for other relationships (best buds, etc). So, I don’t buy the notion that my love for my jigri friends and the folks I share/d a roof with is equal in depth and quanity. It’s a pretty thought…but nah.

What does frequency have to do with anything? It’s great that you also share a close bond with the moms/wives/sisters of your male friends. It’s sweet that your male friends won’t hesitate to wake up at 3 in the morning to come rescue you if need be. However, if this happened often enough…then I’m sure even their generally flexible wives will start becoming uncomfortable and that would be the proof that opposite gender relationships are actually not viewed with the 100% trust that you believe them to have. Once in a blue moon is okay to drive out at 3 AM…but if it happens a lot…then no…cuz it will make their spouses squirm. Same thing with lending emotional support and spending time with each other…if it’s done often…and without others present…it will eventually become a problem. So frequency is very relevant; it has much to do with it.

And as badabing said up above…there is always potential for feelings to begin a-stirring…and usually people don’t plan for that to happen. And nah, you can’t separate gender from relationship dynamics…not even in a friendship. Men and women think differently, react differently, they’re wired differently. Do you not see that gender difference in your relationship with your husband? Is your husband just as emotional as you? Prolly not..guys generally aren’t. So, I don’t think you can remove the gender and just see the individual as a “friend” only. Their gender influences how they see you, how they respond to you, what they think about you and sometimes it’s apparent and other times it isn’t and is kept in check or under control. The two things can’t be isolated.