having friends of opposite gender after being committed/married

[redvelvet]

Re: having friends of opposite gender after being committed/married

@ShimmerV

RV I have spent some 15yrs of my life with these guys and they have seen me through my ups and downs in life & vice versa. After a while it stopped being about them being ‘guys’ and just being ‘friends’. I’m generally an emotional person and tend to live in black & whites so you will either see me love people or not give sh*t about them, there is no in between for me nor are there any levels of how much I love this group versus that group of people in my life (that’s just how I roll, it makes it easier for me to give my time and attention to people that deserve it in my life) so ya you can say my love is equal in ‘quantity’ (I mentioned this word cuz u asked ‘just as much’ question) for all but obviously it differs in type and ways of expression for different groups of people in my life that deserve it (parents/ husband/ sisters/ friends)

And Of course the frequency has changed after my marriage and theirs as well but what does frequency have to do with anything? I know for a fact that MashaAllah if I call any of my friends (guys/girls) at 3am and without a reason tell them to come somewhere cuz I need some help, they will come! No questions asked. Their wives, mothers, sisters, daughters and they themselves have become a part of my family over the years.

As I said earlier, everyone I love and everyone that loves me know their importance and place in my life quite well and i feel we are way past this guy/girl friendship issue in our lives.

Yeah.. I still don’t believe that, SV. Your love is not “equal in quantity”…I don’t think it can be. You have relationships (parents, siblings, child, spouse) where you won’t hesitate to lay down your life or make some other huge sacrifice for that person if need be…whereas you wouldn’t be as easily willing to make that exact same sacrifice for other relationships (best buds, etc). So, I don’t buy the notion that my love for my jigri friends and the folks I share/d a roof with is equal in depth and quanity. It’s a pretty thought…but nah.

What does frequency have to do with anything? It’s great that you also share a close bond with the moms/wives/sisters of your male friends. It’s sweet that your male friends won’t hesitate to wake up at 3 in the morning to come rescue you if need be. However, if this happened often enough…then I’m sure even their generally flexible wives will start becoming uncomfortable and that would be the proof that opposite gender relationships are actually not viewed with the 100% trust that you believe them to have. Once in a blue moon is okay to drive out at 3 AM…but if it happens a lot…then no…cuz it will make their spouses squirm. Same thing with lending emotional support and spending time with each other…if it’s done often…and without others present…it will eventually become a problem. So frequency is very relevant; it has much to do with it.

And as badabing said up above…there is always potential for feelings to begin a-stirring…and usually people don’t plan for that to happen. And nah, you can’t separate gender from relationship dynamics…not even in a friendship. Men and women think differently, react differently, they’re wired differently. Do you not see that gender difference in your relationship with your husband? Is your husband just as emotional as you? Prolly not..guys generally aren’t. So, I don’t think you can remove the gender and just see the individual as a “friend” only. Their gender influences how they see you, how they respond to you, what they think about you and sometimes it’s apparent and other times it isn’t and is kept in check or under control. The two things can’t be isolated.