Having a lot of issues with my BHAI

Lifestyle Relationships
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Hello all,

Hope your well :). I am coming at you guys with a major problem I have been going through for the last year or so.

So, to make a long story short, my brother recently got married and (his wife isn’t really the issue - just to put it out there, she is lovely most of the time, not much of a personality tbh) and he and his wife (and now baby girl) live at home with me, mum and dad. BEFORE marriage, this brother was hardly ever home. Proper typical guy, always out, never spent any time with family (not that he does much now, now he is just at home more) and always doing his own thing. Now AFTER marriage, and especially after the baby, he is always home. And since his marriage my parents have started this ‘man of the house’ drama. Where everyones opinion use to count, now only his does. Everything has to be his way (as in how things are set, furniture choices, food to eat blah blah blah).

Atm I live on campus at university (doing MSc) and I will move back next month. My brother and I - all we do is fight. We never ever ever have one day of civil conversation. Its not so bad that I wanna rip his face off but most of the time I wish I could have him a good slap. He constantly criticises everything I do, say, how I act, what I wear (not extreme but I wore cropped pants other day and he had an emotional heart attack) and does not give two tosses what my thoughts or feelings are about anything. He is always trying to put me down, ( I am extremely independent and he is of the thought that women can’t possibly be like that all the time, he is NOT backwards 100% but I would say like 80/85%). A couple months ago we had an argument and it got so bad that I left home to go back to campus around 12am (never do that) and didn’t come back or speak to anyone for 2 weeks (I usually go home every weekend/ talk to mum every other day). I was soooooo pissed cos no matter what I am always put in the wrong and he is always right. It doesn’t matter what the fight/argument was about.

My parents have basically spoilt him with the thought that he is always right, and now thats how he thinks. BTW he is 30 and I am 24. So all that he’s your bhai, koy bhaat nayhe hain, chup bhi ho blah blah blah. Anyway, I am dreading moving back…nowadays if I even think about him I feel almost hatred. You guys know how desi parents are - there is no talking to them no matter how much white people tell us we can. And my brother - HA. He doesn’t take anything I say seriously.

I need advice…how to cope or deal with it. What do I do. His wife, as nice as she usually is, is stating to get my nerves now too cos she does that typically Pakistani fake amazing wife crap…makes comments when he’s not home and acts like an angel when he is.

Anyway…help!! And sorry for the short story actually turning out long :frowning:

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Re: Having a lot of issues with my BHAI

"His wife, as nice as she usually is, is stating to get my nerves now too cos she does that typically Pakistani fake amazing wife crap..."

You know that is really rude and harsh right? You could have probably worded that better , she is your sister in law at the end of the day.

Anyway, the only real solution to this problem is one that you say is not working and that's discussing it with your brother. I am amazed at the fact that your parents did not react at all to you leaving at 12 am and then not talking to anyone for 2 weeks. That does not sound like desi parents, to me. I dont know what happened but leaving like that does not sound really mature. If you want to be taken seriously, you need act in that manner too. Although that might have been the message you were trying to send across but rarely does one need to walk out at 12 am to show their family how serious their are on a matter. You need to deal with this more respectfully as well, you are younger and he is your elder brother, I am sorry to reinforce that. Their your family and they do care , maybe just not how you want them to. I'd say you should openly discuss this with your mother, be specific about what is bothering and ask that she speak to your brother...you might be able to convince her, no? He will most likely take her words seriously ?

If he is ~80-85% "backward" then he is what he is. You can't really change that, you will have to respect that . How exactly does not he like you being independent? Living on campus, working? From what I read, his thoughts on right and wrong don't really seem to be hindering your progress in life, you still live on campus and can leave home to go back at 12am ,without getting told off. If on the other hand this was affecting your education or your progress in life or as a human in general than this would be another matter. Despite being "backward" you are able to , from what I read, build yourself. Having to wear long pants is not really a problem. I get it , you don't really want to be told what to do .However, as an elder brother he can guide you towards what he feels is right. You should be able to discuss things with him. I understand the dynamics of this sibling relationship here is not as good as it should be.But nothing is perfect. What are you doing or saying that is bothering him? Must you keep doing and saying it? How was your relationship with your brother prior to his marriage? Why have arguments gone worse over the past year? What has changed, apart from him getting married ? What can you do to fix the situation , apart from running away? Are you letting your ego get the better of you at times?Are there times that you might allow matters that are not an issue to become an issue ? Is he only putting you down because your independent? Do you keep stressing the fact that your independent? What asks are unreasonable? Which ones are reasonable?Is he really controlling? How? Are their fights that can be avoided that you further make worse? Do you take your brother seriously as a person? Are you patient? How seriously have you discussed this with your parents? Ask yourself these questions, answer them and take it from there.

In my opinion, the only real solution is you talking to him , try and not argue .Arguing wont help. If he does not like you dressing a certain way address that issue, without sounding rebellious and try and not make it sound like he is some big bully who is always out to get you. Be specific with your brother , mother/father about what is bothering you and try and see where you may be wrong too. When they don't respect your feelings, point it out respectfully. If it is still chup ho, then you will have to be chup and handle the situation another way.It does not seem like your voice is being silenced , more like your complaints are not being addressed, I might be wrong. Try and not complain but speak about the issue , only the issue and what you expect, only what you expect, kindly. You need to respect your family as well, father,mother ,brother ,sil etc. You will have to do some listening too and find a respectful way of getting yourself heard. Ignore what you can and work on what you can. If there is really nothing you can do then it is best to stay quite but remain respectful.

Good luck.

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Re: Having a lot of issues with my BHAI

""His wife, as nice as she usually is, is stating to get my nerves now too cos she does that typically Pakistani fake amazing wife crap..."
You know that is really rude and harsh right? You could have probably worded that better , she is your sister in law at the end of the day."
Yes it is harsh, this forum isn't personable to anyone. I am literally discussing my own feelings with people I don't know to hear an external persons opinion. So if I want to be blunt, thats not an issue because its literally not going to affect anyone here. I don't say stuff like this in person.

**I am amazed at the fact that your parents did not react at all to you leaving at 12 am and then not talking to anyone for 2 weeks. That does not sound like desi parents, to me.
**Yeah, I know.

*...you might be able to convince her, no? He will most likely take her words seriously ?
**I can't stress enough how much that will never happen. He is the actual baby of the house, I act more mature than my age so I'm not perceived as much of a baby. He dropped out of university, drinks and smokes weed regularly BUT its ok because he has a great personality/heart of gold (with other people, with me not so much). And I have tried this before + failed.
*
If he is ~80-85% "backward" then he is what he is. You can't really change that, you will have to respect that . How exactly does not he like you being independent? Living on campus, working? From what I read, his thoughts on right and wrong don't really seem to be hindering your progress in life, you still live on campus and can leave home to go back at 12am ,without getting told off. If on the other hand this was affecting your education or your progress in life or as a human in general than this would be another matter. Despite being "backward" you are able to , from what I read, build yourself.
**Fine, I can take that as it is - fair enough.

Response to all the rest:
**If I ignore him, he pushes me because he knows he will get a reaction. I can ignore all the bull** he gives me for a week but at the end of the week he will be ready for me when I finally blow.

So basically your advise is to just shut up and take it?

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Re: Having a lot of issues with my BHAI

Not sure how to @ someone with a reply, but its above ^^^^^^

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Re: Having a lot of issues with my BHAI

First thing you do is get a job.

Make sure you get a job...its a great way to steer clear of family drama.

And...if possible get an apartment of your own.

It will be very hard to do that last part BUT in my experience once a person achieves a certain level of independence, its difficult to go back to a more submissive lifestyle. Plus, distance is great in relationships like these where in laws are involved. Come and hang out on the weekends and leave when your time is up. You're not there for the negativity or drama and since you're not there, you're not involved. Since you're not involved the likelihood of you being the bad guy is zilch.

And if moving out is not an option for you...then your options consist of:

A) Learn to get along with your Bhabi and Bhai

B) Make sure you don't have time to get wrapped up in the family drama...get busy and stay busy.

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Re: Having a lot of issues with my BHAI

Job I have, apartment I won’t be allowed to move out b4 marriage.
Even with the job, he complains. He says quit your job blah blah. I mean I just ignore it and go about my business but when someone goes on and on about one thing constantly - it irks you.

It seems the only way is to just suffer in silence…the desi way :teary1:
I wish someone could tell me a way to cope with all this whilst still being stuck in the same house w/ him.

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Re: Having a lot of issues with my BHAI

^ get married?

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Re: Having a lot of issues with my BHAI

Ummm no. You didn't ask for or need anyone's permission to leave the house at midnight to go back to campus; and your parents and brother didn't chase after you either when you ignored them for 2 weeks.

There is nothing to "allow" when it comes to you moving out. You're 24, educated with a job. You can choose to take control of your own life and not put up being disrespected. But if you're not willing to put down your foot and move out, regardless of what your parents/bhai think.....then you're choosing to stay in the current situation and yes, in that case, your only option is to shut up and put up with it until your wedding day.

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Re: Having a lot of issues with my BHAI

Walk up to your BHAI and tell him-

Ye BHAI, Zara dekh ke chalo
Aage hi nahin, peeche bhi
Daye hi nahin, baye bhi
Ooper hi nahin, neeche bhi
Ye BHAI

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Re: Having a lot of issues with my BHAI

Do your parents want you to leave your job? Why are they not saying anything at all in your defence? If he keeps going just ignore him all together. You really cant do much if no one is listening , I doubt your brother will see your point of view, if he is not willing to. People with a “heart of gold”, have a heart of gold with everyone, that’s what it usually means to have a heart of gold that your good to everyone. If he is not understanding there is not much you can do to help him become understanding. Apart from trying to explain your point with respect, you arguing probably only makes him more angry. Maybe he is jealous that you have achieved a lot more? Maybe somehow he should be convinced to go back to uni or something so he is not so insecure with the progress of others? His own sister. I get its a mentality but obviously your parents had no objection with you living on campus( something most desi,conservative parents would frown upon) and then working. If you cant leave and no one is willing to listen, you will unfortunately have to just deal with it.

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Re: Having a lot of issues with my BHAI

Urgh I had this problem with my brother as well after he got married, he actually used to say ‘I’m the man of the house now’ as if he was in charge :rolleyes:

My dad ignored the behaviour at first but spoke out when he started to really give me hard time and as a result of that my brother no longer speaks to me or dad.. My mum continues to indulge him and pretends she hasn’t heard or seen anything wrong even if he’s standing there being rude or nasty..

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Re: Having a lot of issues with my BHAI

Finally…someone who can relate lol.
Its a little opposite at my house. My DAD is the one who promotes this ‘man of the house’ crap to my brother. Bro didn’t finish uni or get a job on his own, dad supplied him with everything. He is doing well now - but would never have been able to without my dad guiding him and handing him everything. So I can never understand why him and my mum let him think he genuinely so independent and ‘the man’.

My mum is same she just ignores everything. She is VERY non confrontational. Dad is always working so he hardly knows whats going on, and if he does he just dismisses everything because he himself had extremely close relationship with his own brothers and he can’t understand why we are all not the same.

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Re: Having a lot of issues with my BHAI

There is a difference between a one off and MOVING OUT altogether.
And I am amazed at the 'just shut up and take it till your wedding day'.

Really, thats the only solution???????
I was joking, but if this is actually real advice....

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Re: Having a lot of issues with my BHAI

I don't know...my dad basically handed my brother his career but with me my parents are adamant I finish uni and get somewhere on my own.
Just dealing with it...finding an inner zen...seems only option. Very disheartening tbh.

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Re: Having a lot of issues with my BHAI

No, you have TWO options: (1) Move out; or (2) Shut up and take it. Although not ideal, these are your only two options. The "solution" you're looking for isn't going to happen.

Your dad promotes the "man of the house" crap to your brother and your mother put up with it. It's their house so they can set whatever rules they like. Your brother has chosen to follow in your father's footsteps and your father/mother are not willing to put a stop to your brother's behavior. Again, house owned by your parents so it's their rules/choice.

You can talk to them all you want but remember that they are not willing to change. They've made it very clear to your on multiple occasions that your opinions don't matter in that house. If they haven't shown you any respect in the last 24 YEARS...it's certainly not going to happen right now. So you can continue to be naive and choose to live in a household where you're treated like cr@p and think that somehow a miracle will happen and they will change. Or you can take charge of your own life and put yourself in a situation where you're not being disrespected constantly.

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Re: Having a lot of issues with my BHAI

WOW your poor bhabi! She'snot even part of your problem and yet here you are talking bad about her. And she has to put up with constant fighting in her home. grow up girl.

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Re: Having a lot of issues with my BHAI

She will live.

So despite writing so much indicating that most arguments stem from my bhabis HUSBAND aka my brother who I am talking about here...you are telling me to grow up? So basically Mrs Saieen you came here to make a judgement and not advise in anyway....cheers

I am honestly shocked at the nonchalant attitude a lot of people have here. Solutions - get married or shut up. Is this what our great Pakistani culture is all about?????

GREAT.

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Re: Having a lot of issues with my BHAI

^^^^ that last bit was for a lot of you. Not just Ms Saieen Bibi. Very disappointing for me I must say.

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Re: Having a lot of issues with my BHAI

I am elder son of the house...but one thing i do is never to show around with my actions and attitude that i am dominant. I am elder son of the house coz...i fullfill responsbility that i have and take care of my parents. Your brother needs to stop being such a kid.
Before my younger sis got married...i never let her feel insecure and show who the boss is. Life doesnt work like that..in my opinion. Being elder means...you take care of everyone around you..without being manupulative. The sister has as much right in the house as her brother. Unfortunately...our Pakistani mentality doesnt comprehend that part. Wish ya all the best!

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Re: Having a lot of issues with my BHAI

One of the first decent answers. Thanks.