Following are excerpts from an interview with
Pakistani Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif by BBC’s Tim Sebastian on the Hard Talk programme.
Caution: This interview could be a little hard on your nervous system, so suspension of belief is recommended.
T
IM SEBASTIAN: India has said that it will not use nuclear weapons first. But are you willing to commit that under no circumstances will Pakistan ever use nuclear weapons first?
NAWAZ SHARIF: Well, I can only say that Pakistan always has peaceful intentions and we hope that it will never come to that situation - because right now we have a bit of a problem with our nuclear weapons,since the instruction manuals are in Chinese and nobody in Pakistan understands that language, except those working in the Chinese embassy! Some of my nuclear scientists are also learning the language from a Chinese tutor, but so far they can only spell “Schezwan Sauce” and “Hakka Noodles”…
TIM: So that’s why you met the Chinese ambassador over an informal dinner at his residence last Wednesday?
SHARIF: No, no. I had dinner with him because my cook refused to cook. He said he didn’t have the requisite permission from our army chief’s cook to cook my dinner. You see, my cook reports to the cook of General Parvez Musharraf - and my cook can’t even boil an egg unless his cook gives him the permission. It’s all very complicated.
TIM: The army runs your life?
SHARIF: No. The army ruins my life!
TIM: Are you telling me that General Musharraf doesn’t consult you or seek your permission to do anything? While you are expected to seek his permission even to eat your dinner?
SHARIF: Not really. Just the other day the General consulted me on his sideburns and its implications on the Line of Control. But I didn’t seek his permission at all when I sang “dhol baaje dhol” and kept hopping all over my office on my left leg. He came to know about it only when I tripped over a chair, crashed through the window and landed on the lawn outside his office…
TIM: You are a shameless man, Mr Sharif, who is dancing to the tunes of his army generals at the cost of his country’s economy.
SHARIF: Look, as far as we are concerned, Pakistan is just not as important as Kashmir. I don’t care if Pakistan’s economy goes for a toss or my countrymen die of starvation. But the Kashmir problem should be solved at any cost.
TIM: So that’s why you are trying to internationalize the Kashmir issue?
SHARIF: Not at all. But, frankly, the Kashmir issue is our only claim to fame. Otherwise why would anybody take any notice of a country like Pakistan? Honestly, we’ve very little to offer the world - apart from Shoaib Akhtar. As for Wasim Akram, I am going to teach him a lesson for getting involved in betting and match-fixing and losing that World Cup game to Bangladesh - Shaikh Haseena maan jayegi, my foot! And I am not entirely convinced with his explanation that he was misunderstood when he told people to bet on Pakistan losing to India at the Line of Control and not at Old Trafford…
TIM: Forget cricket, but President Bill Clinton has taken a tough stand against you over the
Kargil issue and asked you to step back in line at the Line of Control, right?
SHARIF: Arre, Bill To Paagal Hai. What does he think this is? A kabbaddi match, in which he is the referee with a whistle in his mouth? I am upset with the stand he has taken and last night I couldn’t sleep. So I kept listening to an old Hindi film song - “Dost dost na raha, war war na raha” and cried my heart out. After buying up all his defective weapons and even those past their expiry dates, this is what I get as a goodwill gesture? And he has the gall to tempt me to end my border badmashi in exchange for a new hair-transplant technology!
TIM: Are you a corrupt prime minister, Mr Sharif?
SHARIF: I can’t Answer that, though I will only say that one of us here has six brothers and a Swiss bank account, and it’s not you. Got it?
TIM: I got it, but there is little that the people of Pakistan can do against leaders like you, right?
SHARIF: Of course, I don’t tolerate any criticism against me. Luckily for me, I am not the Prime Minister of India, who not only has to defend the nation from the enemy across the border, but also defend himself from a million opposition parties who take the term “Opposition” quite literally and oppose everything. I wonder how atal and subtle Vajpayee will be during the upcoming special session of the Rajya Sabha, when he briefs them on the Kargil situation. As for me, it’s fun being the Pakistani PM, because I can buy deadly weapons unnecessarily, borrow funds recklessly, wage wars mindlessly and destroy the economy single-handedly - all this for an imaginary Line of Control. Wonder how I would have kept myself busy without the Kashmir problem. Now do you understand why this issue is so important to us?
