Harassment to have kids

Lifestyle Relationships
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Hi
My husbands cousins wife is constantly (literally every time I see her) harassing us about having kids. I think she cannot stand to see us building our own home when she has one room in her in laws house that she lives in with her three young kids I’ve tried to be polite- ignore it or laugh it off but recently she started lecturing my mother in law and telling her she should be telling us to have a baby. My mother in law is very polite so even though she is shocked and appalled won’t be rude to her. She just tells her it’s not her place to tell anyone when to have kids which this girl won’t accet because she says her position as mother requires that she fixes our wrong “attitudes”. I’m at the end of my tether with this girl and I want to know the best way to approach this with her because I cannot take it any more. Any advice on what t say?

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Re: Harassment to have kids

Have your husband address her or her husband? That might help...

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Re: Harassment to have kids

I can address her or my husband can. What to say though?

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Re: Harassment to have kids

That it's none of her business and every couple has the right to decide between themselves when they want to have kids. Say you guys have reasons and maybe their financial reasons, maybe health reasons,
or maybe that you guys aren't ready to have kids. Tell her to make just make dua that Allah blesses you guys with healthy kids when the time is right and to stop asking because it's making you extremely uncomfortable at this point.

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Re: Harassment to have kids

I don’t understand why us Desi people struggle so much with communicating our boundaries to those who cross them? Either we tend to be really moonh-phat and say whatever the hell we want with little regard to decorum…or we hang back on the other extreme end of the spectrum where we are toooooo afraid to say anything and boil our blood in silence.

People like this woman “get away” with their idiotic behavior simply because the other person is too kind or too subtle in their response.

  1. I understand that she is your husband’s cousin’s wife and that you want to tread carefully so as to not create any tension in your marital life. But you can still put someone in place WITHOUT being disrespectful. There are many decent ways to get your message across.

  2. This woman speaks her mind freely, she doesn’t seem to care about whether her meddling is proper or improper …she doesn’t care about whether or not you feel uncomfortable…she doesn’t even care that it’s a personal matter. When she is so fearless, why are you so scared?

  3. Women are good at putting a smile on their face and in a really really meeethay andaaz main put the other person in place. It’s not something to be proud of, but why not employ the method? Or employ a more straightforward method if that’s not your style.

Next time put a smile on your face and say, " OMG, you have a strange obsession with my personal life and I consider having a baby a very personal thing. And I am confused because you don’t seem to have any other topic to think or talk about these days. Laughingly tell her …Let’s divert your attention to other matters beside my uterus because there is so much else to talk about.

I bet you she will squirm and feel stupid when you say that. So what? Let her.

Or if the above is too harsh, then give her the guilt trip by saying… “Vaisay it was never my habit to ask people over and over and over again why they are not married, or why they don’t have a child yet, or why they don’t have a separate house yet (:devil:) because I have strong iman in Allah that just as He controls my destiny, He also controls the destiny of others…and people will get what they are destined to get at whatever time Allah has appointed for them.”

^That will shut her up too. It’ll make her squirm. She may whine about it to her hubby, let her.

You have 3 options. Either you limit your contact with this woman. Or you tolerate her without complaining. Or you communicate with her. But please don’t go the route of awkwardly muttering, “Ji ji, bas dua karain”…cuz that won’t make her quit anytime soon.

In my experience, I address the issue with the other person. I have done this with both friends and family and even coworkers …and it is the only method that nips things in the bud. I have found it to work with others too. Either you do something about it ya phir bardaash karo.

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Personally, I can sense the pain in this lady. If I lived in a room with three tiny kids, I would be miserable as well and try to find faults in others. Best thing to do would be just ignore it. You can also just laugh it off.

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Re: Harassment to have kids

I've ignored it/laughed it off for so long but now she is meddling in a mother in law/ daughter in law relationship I feel she's taken it too far. It's one of the most delicate relationships there is and I have a good one alhamdulilah (whereas she does not- maybe another reason for her jealousy?)She was trying to use religious basis to justify what she's saying because she knows my MIL is religious. Luckily my MIL is supportive and would never dictate how I should live my life. If she had started pressuring me on this girls insistence there would obviously have been problems between us.
I think next time it comes up I will need to confront her. To be honest I would be very happy if she never spoke to me again after that, I just don't want to make things awkward for my MIL and her MIL who are both lovely but I need to bear tempests point 2 in mind I think.

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Re: Harassment to have kids

so.....girl is meddling but your relationship with your MIL is strong and she would never dictate how you live your life.
your MIL has not allowed the meddling to interfere in your relationship with her.
what's the problem again?

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Re: Harassment to have kids

Um it's irritating and I need to respond to her in a way that will shut her up because it's stressful for me to constantly hear her remarks about how I am a bad muslim because I don't have a child etc. She's obviously trying to up her game by involving my mother in law now. Who knows what she will try to do next? Just because someone hasnt succeeded in their attempts to meddle doesn't mean you just let them carry on.

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Re: Harassment to have kids

I don't think there's a nice way to do it. You will need to firmly tell her that while your appreciate her concerns, you will have kids when Allah wills it, and you don't like it that she keeps talking about this again and again. Preferably say this in front of your MIL so this lady gets the message loud and clear. You MIL is on your side, and has a good relationship with you, so there will be no love lost between this lady and yourself if you are direct in your approach with her.

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Re: Harassment to have kids

She's "irritating" you.....because you are letting her irritate you.
Her suggestion that you are a "bad muslim" doesn't make you one, does it?
Hmm.....what will be the consequences of letting her carry on?
What else can she "potentially" do to harm your situation? Talk to your FIL? Complain to your parents? Have her hubby talk to your husband?
Even if she does all of the above, she's the only one that's going to look like an idiot.
Give her the privilege....sit back and watch the show.

I know it sounds really simple but sometimes the simplest solution is the best one.
It allows you to keep your hands clean and let's the offending party dig a deeper and deeper hole for themselves.

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Re: Harassment to have kids

wowwww, who are you to look down on someones living space? Get off your high horse. :rolleyes:

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Re: Harassment to have kids

doa chamath maro uskai mooh par.

Or you really wanna piss her off - be like yeh I dont want to end up with 3 kids living in one room. We're making space for the kids first.

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Re: Harassment to have kids

Next time she asks you turn it around on her. Say instead of focusing on me lets focus on you, when is that 4th child of yours coming along. Keep pestering her until she gets the message.

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Re: Harassment to have kids

I know totally what you mean but why are you giving it so much thought. Every time someone mentions it, just smile and say bas dua karain inshallah. She will probably ask if everything is ok, repeat dua karain inshallah. Keep doing it until she stops asking. Best way to politely get your point across while being respectful. Easy to stoop low but takes a lot to be the bigger person.

Just be happy your husband and inlaws are so supportive and dont care. That is what should matter to you the most because what they think will affect you, not some random aunty.

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Re: Harassment to have kids

Personally, I would suggest talking to your mother in law and clarify your position. Tell her how you feel about this. She is also a married woman and I can bet she has come across such ladies more than you in her life. Let her know you could put the random aunty in her place but you don't want to and instead want to clarify that you and your husband have a certain plan.

Now IF, the lady is still acting naive, tell her straight up. Lady, I don't want to spend the rest of my life with three kids in a little room that is owned by my in-laws. I would really appreciate if you stopped thinking about me and focused on how to make your own life better.

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Re: Harassment to have kids

how kid is going to stop that? would he throw bricks out of the window, when you trying to build ??

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Re: Harassment to have kids

Well, don't worry because that is not how kids are born.