Well I have stepchildren! And my father hates them. He hates it when they run around the house, play and laugh and when I hold them in m arms and talk to them and play with them. My father never accepted my wife’s kids in the first place.
Is theer any way I can change his attitude? Any advice?
Re: Handling my father's dislike for my stepchildren
Well I have stepchildren! And my father hates them. He hates it when they run around the house, play and laugh and when I hold them in m arms and talk to them and play with them. My father never accepted my wife's kids in the first place.
Is theer any way I can change his attitude? Any advice?
In the end, don't let your father's views get to you.
Re: Handling my father's dislike for my stepchildren
Always know and remember in your heart that It is a great thing you are doing not just looking after but actually showing love to another mans child. Where a father would normally get so much sawaab for looking after his kids, you are earning yourself double sawaab in preparation for the hereafter. Tell your father you are merely trying to sow the right seeds for your akhira. NO point living in this world and not doing anything for tomorrow. Who knows how many of your sins big or small are being wiped away just because of you showing love to these children. And if this explanation is still not enough for your father then you must just let him be and agree to disagree with him. Read the Quran and see how much it promotes looking after orphaned children. Again you are doing a wonderful thing. Pls don't let your father get you down. There are ppl in the world who would do anything to have a child let alone ones own child. Ppl like me basically desp to have a child but who knows if I will get a chance.
Re: Handling my father's dislike for my stepchildren
Always think those children as your own, rest will fall in place.
Re: Handling my father's dislike for my stepchildren
Its something from God . Some people have softer heart and some don't .
Re: Handling my father's dislike for my stepchildren
Always think those children as your own, rest will fall in place.
Ditto. You reap what you sow. The fact you are clearly concerned about the way your Father is handling the situ demonstrates that you are gladly accepting these children as a part of your life. Kudos dude.
I assume that before your marriage to your wife you were aware of children from the previous relationship and the fact the children would remain with you and your wife after the wedding? If this is the case then I think it's simply a case of (perhaps!) your Father has issues with the fact they are not his blood grandkids so thus their running around etc gets to him more than his own grandkids would because they are his own. Does that make sense? I've seen a lot of this happen amongst elders in particular. It's sometimes the way they are wired.
As much as this is a personal question I am going to ask it anyway (feel free to not answer it) do you have biological children with your wife or do you plan to have any InshAllah? If your Fathers attitude remains the same staying in the same dwellings (if that is what you do or choose to do later on) may be problematic simply because accepting a difference in behaviour towards children grates at you and causes sadly a lot of tension. It may never happen but it's worth being prepared should you face this hurdle because it doesn't matter how much you try you cannot change others-and I know this from a lot of experience.
Re: Handling my father's dislike for my stepchildren
Some people don't like it when kids run around the house and are being noisy (be it their own or someone else's)...it can actually get annoying. That's another possible angle to consider. If you know that your dad prefers peace and quiet more, then have the kids be mindful of that. Now if you notice that your dad is unhappy when you are interacting with the children, then talk to him about it...from an Islamic light.
Apart from ^that^, spend some time with your dad also. Maybe he thinks that you care more about your wife and kids than him? That's possible too. So give dad some time as well.
Aaaand.....get ur kids to interact with your dad. If they are also distant with him, it will increase the gap. It may take some time, but eventually he'll soften fingers crossed. They can start with baby steps like greeting him with the salam and maybe asking him how he's doing, kind gestures like fetching him things he needs without his asking, offering to help him out, making a card for him too on father's day....u know little things like that. Children don't always know how to interact with elders and they have to be taught and encouraged/reminded frequently.
Re: Handling my father's dislike for my stepchildren
You sound like a kind and decent human being. Please don't let your unkind father harden your heart. Be yourself and perhaps tell your father that what he dislikes is one of the greatest kindnesses decreed by God Almighty.
Re: Handling my father's dislike for my stepchildren
RV maybe right OP. Perhaps a bit of extra effort is needed from the kids to show Papa they love being around him etc.
Also how is your Father with other grandkids?
Re: Handling my father's dislike for my stepchildren
Thank You all for ur advice guys.
My dad isn't the kind of persopn who changes easily. He's very stubborn when it comes to old values about blood and relations. He has a very conservative mindset on this issue. He never wholeheartedly supported my marriage in the first place.
And I am the only sibling who is married, so there are no other grandkids, but I guess he'd like them more.
Re: Handling my father's dislike for my stepchildren
Thank You all for ur advice guys.
My dad isn't the kind of persopn who changes easily. He's very stubborn when it comes to old values about blood and relations. He has a very conservative mindset on this issue. He never wholeheartedly supported my marriage in the first place.
And I am the only sibling who is married, so there are no other grandkids, but I guess he'd like them more.
If he won't change then it's good you know that; it's a case of making do with the situ.
As I said kudos to you dude. He never supported the marriage so in essence this is something that is a part and package of that. But that's not to say it won't change.
Perhaps RV's suggestions are something you can put in practice? How does your Father feel about Fathers Day? Maybe the kids can do something with him, or go out together as a family? Or is that too much too soon?
Whatever you plan to do OP good luck and stay happy.
As long as everyone knows their limits (e.g. the kids don't annoy DadaJaan during naps etc) you can make the situ workable. I've seen it done so know it can work. I'm not saying your Father will change or come round to the idea but he will in time begin to get that these kids are a part of your life and if they make you happy then there isn't much harm in him being supportive and dealing with them or them running around but it will take a lot of time, blood, sweat and tears. Stay strong.
You may however hit a few teething problems when other siblings have children. But as long as your own marriage is strong and the children understand they are loved by both you and their mother it shouldn't be an issue; InshAllah.