Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde that was treated at the emergency room for a concussion and severe head wounds?
A: She tried to commit suicide by hanging herself with a bungee cord.
**
Q: Did you hear about the blonde who almost caused a car wreck?
A: The spare tire in her trunk blew out.
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
If money doesn’t grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
Why do you have to “put your two cents in”…but it’s only a “penny for your thoughts”? Where’s that extra penny going to?
Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?
Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?
proof that santa doesnt exist-4 NERDS!
There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world.
However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the population reference bureau).
At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming there is at least one good child in each.
Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming east to west (which seems logical).
This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get onto the next house.
Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are not talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks.
This means Santa’s sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second - 3,000 times the speed of sound.
For purposes of comparison, the fastest man made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a pokey 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.
The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized LEGO set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself.
On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that flying reindeer can pull 10 times the normal amount, the job can’t be done with eight or even nine of them -Santa would need 360,000 of them.
This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).
A mass of nearly 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth’s atmosphere.
The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake.
The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reaches the fifth house on his trip.
Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to acceleration forces of 17,000 g’s.
A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim considering all the high calorie snacks he must have consumed over the years) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo.
Therefore, if Santa did exist, he’s dead now. MERRY CHISTMAS!!!
u no u drink 2 much coffe when…
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Juan Valdez names his mule after you.
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You chew on your roommate’s fingernails.
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You can jump-start your car without cables.
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You do twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it’s not plugged in.
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You can’t remember your second cup.
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You have a picture of your coffeemug on your coffee mug.
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Starbucks has a mortgage on your house.
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Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
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You don’t sweat – you percolate.
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You grind coffee beans in your mouth.
y is math always sad?
bcoz it has 2 many problems
How to be annoying(a guide)
**Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you “like it that way.”
Drum on every available surface.
Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
Staple papers in the middle of the page.
Ask 800 operators for dates.
Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings.
Sew anti-theft detector strips into people’s backpacks.
Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
Specify that your drive-through order is “to go.”
Set alarms for random times.
Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.
Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
Honk and wave to strangers.
Dress only in clothes colored
Hunter’s Orange.
Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
Tape pieces of “Sweating to the Oldies” over climactic parts of rental movies.
Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary mints by the cash register.
ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
only type in lowercase.
dont use any punctuation either.
Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
Pay for your dinner with pennies.
Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: “Do you hear that?” “What?” “Never mind, it’s gone now.”
Light road flares on a birthday cake.
Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
Stand over someone’s shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.
Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
Drive half a block.
Name your dog “Dog.”
Ask people what gender they are.
Reply to everything someone says with “That’s what YOU think.”
Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.
Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a “real hoot”.
Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don’t want to fall off “in case the big one comes”.
Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers’ brains, such as "Feliz Navidad.
While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it’s a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each A.
Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
Chew on pens that you’ve borrowed.
Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
Wear a LOT of cologne.
Ask to “interface” with someone.
Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your “superior mental processing.”
Sing along at the opera.
Mow your lawn with scissors.
At a golf tournament, chant “swing-batatatatatata- hWING-batter!”
Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn’t rhyme.
Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about “psychological profiles.”
Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a “magic picture”.
Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.
Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you’ll be saying more any moment.
Never make eye contact.
Never break eye contact.
Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
Construct elaborate “crop circles” in your front lawn.
Give a play-by-play account of a person’s every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice.
Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
Make appointments for the 31st of September.
Invite lots of people to other people’s parties.
How to be annoying in an elevator**
**1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
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Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
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Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: “Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!”
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Whistle the first seven notes of “It’s a Small World” incessantly.
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Sell Girl Scout cookies.
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On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
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Shave.
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Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: “Got enough air in there?”
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Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
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Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
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When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
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Lean over to another passenger and whisper: “Noogie patrol coming!”
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Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
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One word: Flatulence!
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On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go “plink” at the bottom.
-
Do Tai Chi exercises.
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Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: “I’ve got new socks on!”
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When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: “Oh, not now, motion sickness!”
-
Give religious tracts to each passenger.
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Meow occassionally.
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Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
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Frown and mutter “gotta go, gotta go” then sigh and say “oops!”
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Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
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Sing “Mary had a little lamb” while continually pushing buttons.
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Holler “Chutes away!” whenever the elevator descends.
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Walk on with a cooler that says “human head” on the side.
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Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce “You’re one of THEM!” and move to the far corner of the elevator.
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Burp, and then say “mmmm…tasty!”
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Leave a box between the doors.
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Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
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Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers “through” it.
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Start a sing-along.
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When the elevator is silent, look around and ask “is that your beeper?”
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Play the harmonica.
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Shadow box.
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Say “Ding!” at each floor.
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Lean against the button panel.
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Say “I wonder what all these do” and push the red buttons.
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Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
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Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your “personal space.”
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Bring a chair along.
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Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: “Wanna see wha in muh mouf?”
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Blow spit bubbles.
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Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
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Announce in a demonic voice: “I must find a more suitable host body.”
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Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
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Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
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Wear “X-Ray Specs” and leer suggestively at other passengers.
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Stare at your thumb and say “I think it’s getting larger.”(
) -
If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler “Bad touch!”**
didnt read it all though - too long
bizz hasnt replied!
if you write soo much, I might not ever be able to reply on time
