Who foots the bill in your cultural / family background of the wedding expenses? The valima? The girl’s dress? The jewelry? The post-shaadi dawat clothes? The baby’s birth? The baby’s expenses down to clothing?
I have seen in some family backgrounds, it is the girl’s family that is expected to do all of the above. Would you marry into a family from that kind of background if the guy is insisting he isn’t like that?
I’ve seen some marriages falling apart because the girls’ family can’t keep up with the wishes of the husband’s family.
I think most of the time you know up front what kind of people they are... it's sad to say but if their demands are very high before the wedding, you can only imagine what will happen once the wedding is over. My in-laws never demanded anything so I was lucky that way.
When it came to the wedding expenses, everything was divided right down the middle. From the food, venue. I didn't want my in-laws to pay for my dress but they still did pitch in. I chose it out myself and they paid for half of it. Everyone mostly bought their own clothing, as everyones tastes are different. I've had a cousin who's MIL bought her wedding dress without really asking her and it wasn't something she liked but she sucked it up and wore it anyways to make her happy. I think it's important to discuss all this though when the rishta is pakaa as expenses do pile up.
For our future baby's birth, my husband and I will do all that on our own. We aren't going to be looking for money from anyone. I don't expect my parents or my in-laws to help with that as we're quite set Mashallah and will be able to handle the expenses on our own. I think once you're a parent, you need to man up and take care of your child on your own. You've made the decision yourself to become a parent and so the responsibilities should all be yours.
In our culture, traditionally, it is the guy (note, the guy himself, not the guy's family) that is expected pay for all of the expenses related to the wedding, including the engagement party, mehndi, and wedding. In short, everything. These days though, it is common for both sides to contribute to the wedding, but it is not really divided equally. The guy is still expected to shoulder the majority of the expenses (as not doing so implies that he cannot provide for his future wife). Even if the girl does contribute, it is usually limited to things related to herself, such as the dresses, shoes, accessories (though not jewellery), hair and makeup and things of that nature.
In regards to children's birth and upbringing, it is the parents of the child (the parents themselves, not their families) that are expected to cover the expenses related to the child. To my knowledge, there are not any specifications as to exactly who should pay for what for the child.
in India, expenses are borne by girls family for all the expenses taking place at her place [or rented shaadi hall] while walima expenses are paid by groom's family.
bride's family ends up paying ten folds what the groom's family does. it's sad and immoral that a heavy burden is on the bride's family.
In our culture, traditionally, it is the guy (note, the guy himself, not the guy's family) that is expected pay for all of the expenses related to the wedding, including the engagement party, mehndi, and wedding. In short, everything. These days, it is common for both sides to contribute to the wedding, but it is not really divided equally. The guy is still expected to shoulder the majority of the expenses (as not doing so implies that he cannot provide for his future wife). Even if the girl does contribute, it is usually limited to things related to herself, such as the dresses, shoes, accessories (though not jewellery), hair and makeup and things of that nature.
In regards to children's birth and upbringing, it is the parents of the child (the parents themselves, not their families) that are expected to cover the expenses related to the child. To my knowledge, there are not any specifications as to exactly who should pay for what for the child.
I have heard the pushtoon families are like this too. Afghan culture, in this regard, makes a lot of sense.
I don't think the Pakistani families are like this.
I have heard the pushtoon families are like this too. Afghan culture, in this regard, makes a lot of sense.
I don't think the Pakistani families are like this.
What I described doesn't necessarily reflect all Afghan cultures. It is primarily our culture (Pashtuns) that insists that the guy shoulder the entire costs of the wedding.
From what I've observed, Tajiks and Uzbeks tend to divide the wedding costs a bit more equally, although the guy is still expected to cover a more of the costs. My husband's sister married a Herati (non-Pashtun) gentleman and from what I saw, they were a bit more egalitarian in dividing the wedding expenses and divided the costs along the lines of 60/40 as opposed to expecting the him to pay for everything.
*Edit: I also wanted to add that we don't do the whole gifts to in-laws bit (to either side), so that *somewhat takes away some of the cost.
Girls side pays for wedding n lengha n jewellery for the wedding.
Boys side pays for walima n all it's expenses.
As for children, that's up to the parents to bring them up, why would the girls parents be expected to pay for child's upbringing? My own mum bought all my first child's equipment - cot, Moses basket, travel system, swing n changing table. Well I picked it n she payed for it, but it wasn't expected of her, she did it cause she wanted to.
Who foots the bill in your cultural / family background of the wedding expenses? The valima? The girl's dress? The jewelry? The post-shaadi dawat clothes? The baby's birth? The baby's expenses down to clothing?
My husband & I planned and paid for our entire wedding. Our parents had already told us that they wanted to know how much we spent b/c they wanted to contribute. BUT husband and I agreed to set a budget where we ourselves could afford to pay for it out of our own bank accounts. My dad told me he wanted to pay for half the expenses....FIL said to same thing. So we got the checks for those amounts on the wedding day.
I don't know of any family (my own extended or friends) where in-laws paid for ALL baby expenses. The parents of the baby pay for majority of it. Grandparents on BOTH sides contribute....but its the responsibility of the couple who chose to bring the baby into this world to foot majority of the bill.
I have seen in some family backgrounds, it is the girl's family that is expected to do all of the above. Would you marry into a family from that kind of background if the guy is insisting he isn't like that? I've seen some marriages falling apart because the girls' family can't keep up with the wishes of the husband's family.
My in-laws are like that. After dating my husband/being engaged for almost 3 years, I KNEW that my husband wasn't like that. Both of us were also settled in our careers so I knew that not being able to afford something on our own wouldn't be an issue. Marriages fall apart b/c husband and wife aren't on the same page and aren't willing to work as a team, and stand up for one another.
What if you're the bride, and you say, sorry, suck it people, we're not doing an all out *show for the biradari to see and wah wah. I plan on my wedding being under a coconut tree at a beach.
If your fiancé is ok with a beach wedding, and if BOTH of you are able to resist pressure from family, then I don't see why not. We did (or did not do) plenty of things at our wedding that our parents didn't agree with. And I know others (desi couples) that do the same.
In our family
Mehndi mayoon shadi: all expense by girls family
Mehndi, valima: all expenses by guy or guy's family
if its a jonit mehndi then expenses are split among both side equally
Shadi dress: by girls family
Valima dress: by guy's family
baby's birth: guy bear all the expenses and if he can't then his family but girl's family is not expected to bear any expense.
baby's clothes etc, the couple, the girl's family, the guy's family- all contribute in shapes of gifts.
what do you mean by post shadi dawat clothes?? most girls wear the ones they get in their Bari, jahez and gifts from friends etc.
In our case it went something like this:
Wedding expense - we split for the joint reception and then had one on our own, which we financed ourselves.
Jewelry - we gave some (jewelry, not money), wife's side gave some but everybody gave what they wanted, it wasn't agreed between both parties or anything.
Girl's dress - I know we gave one from our side.
Post shaadi dawat clothes - each side gave what they wanted, no mutual consultation.
Baby expenses - not applicable yet but will be from his and/or her parents when applicable. Grandparents can give what they like, but no agreed amounts etc beforehand.
In our part, the guy has to provide jewlery, clothes of bride (for mehndi, barat, valima), even hair brush, shoes and makeup kit, bangles and other items. All these things are packed in a suitcase or two and sent to the girls' house few days before the mehndi . Someone from the groom side (usually sister or aunt) takes these items and hands them over the girl family.
The expenses on the mehndi day are done by respective families on their own. The girl gets her clothes, shoes, makeup stuff etc from the guy so usually they don't have to buy anything for her. The other expenses on that are their own. Its up to them how small or large event they want to have. The guy doesn't get anything for the mehndi function and it's up to him to make it a lavish affair or a simple family event.
On the barat day the girls' family is the host and the trend is that they invite their own guests as well for that day and the groom also arrives with his guests. Normally a rough estimate of guests is given prior to the event to make arrangements easy. The guy doesn't pay his share or contribute for the barat day expenses. If the barat is going to another city then he has to arrange transportation of all his guests himself. After the rukhsati some females from the bride side accompany her to the her new home. Their arrangements have to be made by the guy as well (if the chachi of the bride is not happy how you treated her then you know what will happen afterwards...).
From the valima day onwards all expenses are done by the guy. Again on valima day the guests will be from both families. A rough estimate is given as to how many people will come from girls' side. If the girls' guests are coming from another city then their transportation is also responsibility of the guy. It means he will have to make sure they attend his valima and get back to their homes after it.
Later when kids come, its the guy and his wife (if working) who will manage all the expenses. Other people can give gifts but that's about it.
What if you're the bride, and you say, sorry, suck it people, we're not doing an all out *show for the biradari to see and wah wah.
I plan on my wedding being under a coconut tree at a beach.
That's how we did it. There was A LOT of opposition because I didn't even have biryani on my menu (my mother was horrified that I wanted a picnic menu) but I didn't want anything that reminded me of a traditional wedding. I still think about it and it was just perfect...absolutely perfect. My jaw was hurting from smiling...and even though both sides made a BIG fuss before the day...afterwards...we got so many compliments on how different everything was.
In urdu speaking culture, the guy's side is supposed to pay for the girl's clothes for ALL of the events, however, I found out when I married a punjabi guy, that punjabi's only pay for the valima dress and that is it.
I personally did NOT care. But this was something my mom felt "odd" about because of the whole "cultural difference."
In our case, it did not really matter whose side pays for what because my husband and I paid for ALL of our wedding events from our own pocket (mehndi, shaddi, valima). Both our families are poor and so it was understood from the beginning that we have to save up and pay for our own wedding, which we did.
In my family(+extended family) everybody's expected to pay for themselves so at my cousins weddings they split all expenses in half, but one of my other cousins got exploited by his in laws, they made him pay for everything, but he didn't really complain because he's loaded with $$$.
I think the paradigm is shifting in Pakistan;before it was expected that girls side would pay for most things(like how it is in India)but now it's the other way around, I think it's because of the wahabi incflunce cause of zia, as much I hate him for radicalising Pakistan he managed to uproot a lot of Hindu traditions(not implying there's anything wrong with Hinduism, just some customs).
I think the paradigm is shifting in Pakistan;before it was expected that girls side would pay for most things(like how it is in India)but now it's the other way around, **I think it's because of the wahabi incflunce **cause of zia, as much I hate him for radicalising Pakistan he managed to uproot a lot of Hindu traditions(not implying there's anything wrong with Hinduism, just some customs).
Expecting the groom to cover the expenses of the wedding isn't a wahabi concept. Most cultures outside of the subcontinent do it that way. Cultures on the subcontinent are unique in doing things the other way around.
Expecting the groom to cover the expenses of the wedding isn't a wahabi concept. Most cultures outside of the subcontinent do it that way. Cultures on the subcontinent are unique in doing things the other way around.
Well the reason why this has happened in Pakistan is because of the wahabi influence, and I'm not sure if you're an expert on 'most' cultures.
Wahanism obviously can't change an entire culture;the Afghans have been wahabists or Orthodox Sunnis yet they still prioritise pakhtunwali over Islam.
^I did not claim to be an expert on all cultures. I simply stated that it was not a strictly wahabi concept.
I never said it was, all I meant was that wahabism managed to uproot some negative customs that we've inherited from our Hindu ancestors(only speaking for indic Pakistanis), though these archaic customs are still followed in rural Pakistan.