SO I have 2 guy friends Bilal and faraz, who’ve been my buddies throughout undergrad and graduate school. They know and like my Husband, knew him before we became engaged and have been friends with him but only for 2 years while I’ve known these guys for 9 years…we would go to movies, hang out or go out to dinner often and they are like my brothers.
So my husband is in a conference in Hawaii ( i know bad luck and guess who’s joining him tomorrow..!!!) I’m bored at home so I called up my buddies to do something and the funniest thing happened…we made plans to do dinner tonight but Bilal mentioned that faraz was like oh it doesn’t seem right with M not there…
I lauged at this and said but we all used to go out for dinner all the time but now i’m married it’s not right??!
They said yeah…it’s like they have to respect the fact that i’m married and the role i have and be respectful of m…heheheh my husband is very much a cbcd so he doesn’t mind at all and knows and trusts these guys…
I just thought it was funny..sweet but funny and wondered if anyone else ran into this?
well, i'm engaged, but my guy friends dont rele seem to mind it, i dunno if thats gonna change when i get married, i guess i'll have to wait n see
my fiance knows most of my friends so he rele doesnt mind either, i think he also knows that if he showed some hesitance about me going out with friends i would get rele angry
:D
I think one needs to develop certain boundaries when one gets married. After marriage, you are mindful of your spouse where as earlier you didn't necessarily have to worry about or consult with anyone in order to go out, etc. Rules of the games do tend to change a little bit, as per my married friends.
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*Originally posted by sweetpie: *
I think one needs to develop certain boundaries when one gets married. After marriage, you are mindful of your spouse where as earlier you didn't necessarily have to worry about or consult with anyone in order to go out, etc. Rules of the games do tend to change a little bit, as per my married friends.
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I have NO intention of changing my friends after i marry...i've already discussed it with him n he agrees
I don't thinks it's about "changing" friends, it's more about taking on a different role as a married person. As much as we'd like to keep the same friendship, the rules of the game do change slightly as sweetpie said. As an umarried person you can hang out with your friends whenver you want, but once you are married it changes. You have to take your spouse into consideration.
sorry sweetpie, i know you didn't say the dramatic part. It's edited now. :-)
^ Sehar, actually I didn't mean that rules of the game have to change drastically but they do change as is natural. You simply ease into this new lifestyle after marriage. It doesn't mean you have to lose your friends, just that now you have someone who is more important to you in the scheme of daily life than friends.
I understand what u two are saying...what I meant to say was that i'm not going to think twice when deciding if it ok for me to go out with my guy friends because i'm married...if its a one-on-one kinda outing then i understand that it doesnt look too good(altho i think its alrite sometimes) but in a group it rele shouldnt matter...of course my hubby would be more than welcome to come but sometimes its better to take time off from one another and go out separately
even if its ok with u, baaki log to baatein banatay haen na...its best to avoid such situations esp after marriage...
this is something just not done in desi culture...ppl still have issues with girls, non married girls, having guy friends...phir shadi shuda larkion k lyay guy friends to baat hi alag hae...
in the west tho anything goes...u can have any lifestyle u want...nobody gives a buck...
but imagine being married in pakistan and going out with guy friends...impossible...unless u r in a group and ur husband is with you...then too the guys wont be your friends...itll be husbands friends...in pakistan girls usually end personal contact with male friends/ classfellows after marriage...the max i've seen is a close and trusted friend of her husband taking a girl out for some work to do because ur husband cant make it...werna to i have never seen married girls go out with their guy friends in pak...that concept itself does not exist...
hmmm...just personally what i have observed...
i think it totally depends on ur comfort level and the society u live in, u dont want ppl say stuff abt u...and the standards r very different if u r living in pak or abroad...
another angle in this whole thing is...after u have kids...then the whole pic changes...coz when ppl say stuff then kids r affected as kids move in that society...
i dont hang out with guys now...except on rare occasions in mixed groups...and i think i personally would like to limit my contact with guys/ former classfellows/ guys i knew at uni etc after marriage to formal salam dua and thats it...
i think their just prob more conscience of hanging around a married female friend rather than a male one.. im sure if u were the one who had gone to a conference.. and ur hubby wanted to go out to the movies.. it would not have even crossed their minds that u were away and that they should wait for u to come back..
i mean lets jsut say… u went out to a conference.. and ur hubby went out to the movies and dinner with female friends… hmm ok i think id be arrite with that.. but thats not the point… the point is.. im sure the friends would feel uncomfortable hanging around ur hubby without u there haina?
ive just had a very good friend married (male).. even though we’re still as close as before.. i mean he still treats me the same.. in his retarded goofy way… but i have unconsciencly built a barrier.. i mean i’ll stop myself from saying a few things.. its not that what im going to say is going to be taken the wrong way.. its just that the boundary is much more compact now… thaz all
larki_punjaban … wouldnt u compromise at all if ur hubby said not to go out…
what i truely believe is… that friendship is more like a tree.. which is harder to break.. it doesnt need as much care (a lil in the beginning for it to grow).. whereas marriage is more like a delicate flower.. it needs constant attention and care.. hmm neways my two paise on it
^ listen to sadzzz , (She knows what she is talking about) "thumbs up"
Friends might be most important part of your life before marriage but after marriage its your partner. And reason of getting married is to be with the partner physically and mentally.
Its very easy to keep friendship but its very hard to keep marriage. because a single mistake of either partner can break it.
it dosent matter how much trust is there between partners but if someone really wants to come between / one of the partner wants to get out "Take My Word On This" this is the easiest way.
larki_punjaban : you might be just getting married for say "I also have a husdand too".
amelie: i think you have good caring friends, and i also think they tried to tell you indirectly that now there should be some boundries between you and them as you are married now. so if i were you i will respect their opinion.
I am with my partner physically and mentally but that doesn't mean i have to be with him 24/7 or that I can not do things because he isn't around....we are seperate beings walking on the same path together...side by side..
Ok so one of my friends is going through a divorce adn alll of us arre working hard at keeping him busy. Friday night my hubster was leaving the next day for a conference and had to work late so i invited my friend over for dinner....and we hung out. Alone.. at the end hejokingly told me to thank hubster for the date... However, it was also my husbands idea that I do stuff with my soon to be divorced buddy alone SO that he is not always doing stuff with his couple friends and missing beinga couple..this way he can just chat with me...get a girls perspective and often talk about things he can't with a guy.
I think there are definilty people who will percieve it incorrectly...and that is why my friends want to make sure I and my husband know that they want us all to do stuff together not just with me alone...
Sadzz you've made some good points too...
and as i thought about this today it's not that my guy friends see it wrong...or that i do or my husband does but what they are concerned about is what others will think of me...and my husband and they respect us enough not to do anything that would put a tinge of negative on us at all...sweet na?
yeah… its not really about what u personally think how ur going to affect ur married buddies life… its just cus society has made these invisible rules.. and we step out of the norm.. it creates problems, regardless of the fact that the people involved in the relationship (marriage and friendship) dont seem to mind.. and this is all innocent to them… the society creates certain boundaries… sucks but oh well
i mean maybe if u went and lived in an isolated place… no one would care.. ur friends wouldnt even hesitate a bit… maybe hmmm
larki_punjaban ... wouldnt u compromise at all if ur hubby said not to go out...
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yes, if he had a real problem with it then i would rethink it but he doesn't have a problem with me going out with my male friends cus i've known them for at least 10 years...
Ok so one of my friends is going through a divorce adn alll of us arre working hard at keeping him busy. Friday night my hubster was leaving the next day for a conference and had to work late so i invited my friend over for dinner....and we hung out. Alone.. at the end hejokingly told me to thank hubster for the date... However, it was also my husbands idea that I do stuff with my soon to be divorced buddy alone SO that he is not always doing stuff with his couple friends and missing beinga couple..this way he can just chat with me...get a girls perspective and often talk about things he can't with a guy.
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Are you sure things are going fine between you and your hubby? This just doesn't seem to make sense.....at all!
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*Originally posted by sweetpie: *
^ Sehar, actually I didn't mean that rules of the game have to change drastically but they do change as is natural. You simply ease into this new lifestyle after marriage. It doesn't mean you have to lose your friends, just that now you have someone who is more important to you in the scheme of daily life than friends.
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Are you sure things are going fine between you and your hubby? This just doesn't seem to make sense.....at all!
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corrupt angel. I don't know exactly what part you're questioning but i'll start with one and answer the others. If a friend is getting divorced he's going to miss being a part of a couple, seeing other couples especially newly married couples is going to make him miss that even more.....further as a friend we both want him to feel free to talk about things easily and not feel like he's raining on our new marriage etc...rather we're his friends and he can talk about anything with us..which he has. Honestly, my biggest concern is that he work out everything now,,,get out his hurt and anger and confusion so he is better prepared and has less baggage the next time inshallah he meets and marrys someone.
as for my husband and i, thanks for the concern BUT Yes, all everything is fine with my hubby and i...we are also extermly secure in each other's feelings and talk about anything with each other, hurts, concerns, worries....plus we have our limits and know we're not going to cross them. Further, he doesn't expect or want me sitting at home watching TV till he comes home...he'd rather I have me go out and meet friends if he's busy at work/school. BUT my husband is not the typical desi guy who wants his wife's world to revolve around him 24/7......
What is interesting is how quickly people on the board get judgemental and can't percieve that a guy and girl can hang out and nothing is up...or that a husband should have a problem with it.....which is exactly why these guys are careful, not because sthey are worried about us but mroe about what others say...
thats an assumption u had no right to make, have all the facts before u pass judgement 
