Re: Guilt trip
Hate those men who care about the girl's past, as if they come from heaven. Yeah I had a bf 5, 10 yrs ago, you gotta problem with that then the door is open. By the way, most men really don't care about that, they just want you to be faithful with them now and make them feel like they are the only one.. aren' they the true gentlemen :)
Re: Guilt trip
A conscience does not prick without reason.
I personally would hate it if the person I end up spending my life with takes away my autonomy of deciding what I want for myself. Yes nobody is perfect, but that does not mean we decide for someone else how much imperfection he should deal with.
And yes, you don't have to put everything out there. But for me, the right way of doing that is to drop the relationship as well. Either tell and stay (if he wants to stay as well) or don't tell and back off.
One big question is, did the guy ask? If he did, did the girl lie? What if the guy asks in the future? Will the girl lie and/or hide? Both are forms of deceiving IF the guy in question cares and asks.
Re: Guilt trip
Ditzy so what was it, 5 years, or 10 years? Or both 
Re: Guilt trip
I don't think there's a need to tell someone everything about your past at all however if someone specifically asks and you lie to them then that's deceiving the other person. If for whatever reason you're uncomfortable talking about the past you should straight up tell that person that you know I have some history which I'm not proud of and would rather not discuss If the other person continues to ask though then you do owe them the truth.
Btw you could easily not tell the truth and most likely not get caught because even if some info about it came up you could brush it off with a million excuses. But that just really comes down to your own conscience and how you feel about lying about this issue.
Re: Guilt trip
So you have a past. Had legit bf's here and there (only 1 at a time) and were sexual with them, but did not have sex. So, no bad reputation stuff or any drama.
You know you are a changed person and that past is exactly that, the PAST. And its not a past that will come to haunt you. Your lifestyle now is completely clean. Other than this, you have a clean record.
You have matured and now are in a serious relationship, but you know that to this guy having a past really matters. So you lie, and dont tell him about your past bc you dont want to ruin this and bc you are not that person anymore, so you simply think it is not worth mentioning.
Deep down you feel guilty for lying. But on the other hand you know for a fact that telling him the truth will only ruin everything between the two of you and open a whole new can of worms.
So, ladies, would you spill your beans and tell him anyway, and let him take whatever action he wants and loose him and everything that otherwise could have been perfect? Or do you keep your past to yourself, and think of it as a new beginning?
no i wont tell anything to him..itz like apnay paoon per aap kulhara maarna when u know in ur heart that u wont do anything like that again and u r guilty over that..plus Allah wants us "k hum doosron ki aibon per perdah dalain,na k sab ko btatay phirain"..when Allah wants us to do this for OTHERS then y can't we forgive ourselves for own own mistakes when v know it is very much a chance that it will destroy our present..so therez nothing wrong in it that we hide our past mistakes...
Re: Guilt trip
you shouldn't lie if it matters to him. If you don't tell him, and you get married, down the road he finds out and leaves you (men have done that) you are only one to blame. Majority of women are saying, don't tell him, lie to him etc.. that's why men should NEVER trust women, always should do your own investigation before going forward. If it her past matters to you so much then there is always lie detector to confirm all your doubts, if she isn't willing to go for one, time to find another girl :) haha
Re: Guilt trip
:k:
The thing is…I know many people dont agree with what Mirch has said. But its practical advise.
I dont think its deception or lying at all. If its a past that has NO bearing on your future…then there is no reason for anyone to know. I dont agree with this mentality to putting all the cards on the table…no matter what they look like. Be honest about the man you are today…and thats it.
Razz, show him the woman you are now. Thats his business. The past…is not. If someone asks me about my divorce and how it happened…I tell them. Its on paper…I cannot avoid it. However, that piece of paper has nothing to do with the kind of partner I will be to a man. Nothing. As far as Im concerned, its MY past. Im the ONLY ONE allowed to be affected by it. No one else has the right to pretend to be wounded knowing I was married to another man.
It makes sense Princess when you say it like that. It does.
However, I would try and think of what will happen and who will benefit from knowing about this past of Razz’s. I dont see how it will contribute to a healthy marriage or relationship.
Its HER past…it has nothing to do with HIM unless she had a baby or is still reeling from the consequences of her past. Unless he will be directly affected by her past…I dont think he should necessarily be told explicit details and history. Its none of his business.
Re: Guilt trip
^ Reha, this is not about what is necessary from a practical point of view. Relationships are not practical and emotions are not robotic- we all know that. Person A might be unhappy with a 'fat' woman. Person B may be unhappy with a 'non-desi' woman. Person C may be unhappy with a woman with a past. Girl D might be embarrassed about having a husband with a fobby accent. It happens. It's about preference and I think it's unreasonable to instill too much logic or business like attitude in preference.
The point here is, IF he says it MATTERS to him AND/or he has ASKED, she absolutely owes him one of two things: the truth OR**** she should say that there was something that she has left behind her and does not wish to share and she is a changed person now. After that, it is entirely the guy's right to decide what he wants to do. It's his right. And there should be no blame on him regardless of what he decides. I can't say this enough. Even the thought of taking this right away from the guy I love makes me feel horrible. But that's my way of thinking.
She can even tell him 'my past is none of your business' (in a polite way), but she should be mature and adult enough to accept the consequences. These are simple ethics.
Come on guys, don't take away his autonomy when he has clearly told you it matters. That's one of the least things you can do for someone you claim to love. Help them uphold their values, principles, rights and preferences as long as they are not impinging upon others' or harming the society or criminal.
How a guy SHOULD feel, in a totally logical world (such as one where past does not matter) is not how he DOES feel. Let him be who he is and feel how he feels. Don't decide for him, please.
Most people on this forum repeatedly keep describing how it SHOULD BE. And your argument is sensible. But that's not how IT IS.
Us bechare ki kya galti hai agar uski sonch alag hai to? Kyu uski khushi compromise ho jaye taake aap apni perfect relationship establish kar sako?
I would say the same if the genders were reversed.
Re: Guilt trip
you shouldn't lie if it matters to him. If you don't tell him, and you get married, down the road he finds out and leaves you (men have done that) you are only one to blame. Majority of women are saying, don't tell him, lie to him etc.. that's why men should NEVER trust women, always should do your own investigation before going forward. If it her past matters to you so much then there is always lie detector to confirm all your doubts, if she isn't willing to go for one, time to find another girl :) haha
Same can be said for guys lahori. But good to see that your post was not as charged and anti-female as it usually is. This is an improvement from previous posts. I was starting to get worried for you. lol, jk.
Re: Guilt trip
Oh we men don't care about past ,
yeah when its our own :D
Re: Guilt trip
So you have a past. Had legit bf's here and there (only 1 at a time) and were sexual with them, but did not have sex. So, no bad reputation stuff or any drama.
You know you are a changed person and that past is exactly that, the PAST. And its not a past that will come to haunt you. Your lifestyle now is completely clean. Other than this, you have a clean record.
You have matured and now are in a serious relationship, but you know that to this guy having a past really matters. So you lie, and dont tell him about your past bc you dont want to ruin this and bc you are not that person anymore, so you simply think it is not worth mentioning.
Deep down you feel guilty for lying. But on the other hand you know for a fact that telling him the truth will only ruin everything between the two of you and open a whole new can of worms.
So, ladies, would you spill your beans and tell him anyway, and let him take whatever action he wants and loose him and everything that otherwise could have been perfect? Or do you keep your past to yourself, and think of it as a new beginning?
make up for it.
every day... love him more every day..
my child..
Re: Guilt trip
rule # 82283:
never do something that u are ashamed of for the world to know.
but in this scenario since u have changed ,its better u hide all your previous mistakes and take a new start.
Re: Guilt trip
[QUOTE]
The thing is...I know many people dont agree with what Mirch has said. But its practical advise.
I dont think its deception or lying at all. If its a past that has NO bearing on your future...then there is no reason for anyone to know. I dont agree with this mentality to putting all the cards on the table...no matter what they look like. Be honest about the man you are today...and thats it.
Razz, show him the woman you are now. Thats his business. The past...is not. If someone asks me about my divorce and how it happened...I tell them. Its on paper...I cannot avoid it. However, that piece of paper has nothing to do with the kind of partner I will be to a man. Nothing. As far as Im concerned, its MY past. Im the ONLY ONE allowed to be affected by it. No one else has the right to pretend to be wounded knowing I was married to another man.
[/QUOTE]
@ reha: i get what you're saying but do you advocate lying then to the other person just to hide your past?
like princessjojo said i think the other person has the right to know the truth if they ask it. and if you don't feel comfortable talking about it you can tell the other person but its still their right to continue to ask for it. lying to protect yourself from things going wrong is fairly selfish not to mention its a bad start for a new relationship.
Re: Guilt trip
:k:
If its not important, hiding it from the person makes it one.
And if the matter does come up, make up excuses, whoa!! First the guy is concerned about her past, she didnt tell him, then if it comes up…lies & more lies…
But then everyone has their reasons for what they do
All i know is* life is already so twisted, we dont need to add our own twists.*
Re: Guilt trip
I understand what some of you are saying about being honest about your past…but came across some of this info.
Allaah says: “Every son of Adam is prone to err, and the best of those who err are those who repent.” Narrated by al-Tirmidhi, 2499; classed as hasan by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Tirmidhi.
There are some cases in which there is nothing wrong with one spouse concealing things from the other, and** it may be wise to do so, because disclosing them may lead to negative consequences, and there is no purpose to be served by disclosing them.**
**Both spouses have secrets from before marriage**, **and private matters which must be** **kept private and hidden**, **known to no one except Allaah, and they must repent from them if they are sinful. **
..... they should be frank with one another in matters that have to do with their married life and raising their children,and making plans for their married life to be successful.
Source: Islam Question & Answer
Basically, a good man will understand that you are human and sinned, but also repented and regretted and will not love/respect you any less. If he does not understand, then you will have to deal with what arises, but know you will have done nothing wrong in remaining silent about your sin. Your sin was against your own soul. It is now only between you and Allah. Your repentance is enough.
Prophet sallallaahu alayhi wa sallam commanded us to conceal the faults of other Muslims saying: “Whoever covers up the fault of a Muslim, Allaah will cover up his fault(s) on the Day of Resurrection, and whoever exposes the fault of a Muslim, Allaah will expose his faults.” -Ibn Maajah This is because such acts spread evil within the community.
Source: Those who openly sin – II
yeah you have guilt, but guilt comes with wrongdoings regardless…it won’t go away, but know that you have a right to be silent about your sin , repent, and may Allah forgive and help you with your future relationships.
all the best
Re: Guilt trip
Come on guys, don't take away his autonomy when he has clearly told you it matters. That's one of the least things you can do for someone you claim to love. Help them uphold their values, principles, rights and preferences as long as they are not impinging upon others' or harming the society or criminal.
How a guy SHOULD feel, in a totally logical world (such as one where past does not matter) is not how he DOES feel. Let him be who he is and feel how he feels. Don't decide for him, please.
Most people on this forum repeatedly keep describing how it SHOULD BE. And your argument is sensible. But that's not how IT IS.
Us bechare ki kya galti hai agar uski sonch alag hai to? Kyu uski khushi compromise ho jaye taake aap apni perfect relationship establish kar sako?
I would say the same if the genders were reversed.
true...from a ethical point of view and yes honesty is great.... However, If you do tell.... ( remember you have the right to be silent) then accept the consequences (him leaving you...maybe) but I mentioned before, a good man who is meant to be your husband will understand that you sinned and repented and both of you can move on to your future together.
honest men also respect honest women..so who knows..if Allah wills it...then if you do end up telling him your past if he asks, then he might be OK with you being honest and won't leave you.
Bless!
Re: Guilt trip
I wish that only if we could remember all of the Ayat and Hadees before doing something bad we wont need to use them while trying to hide our deeds.
On another note, if the thread was about a man asking about how to hide his past ‘mistakes’ then all the ayats and hadees would have been about fornicators and deceivers burning in hell. All the women would have advices him to shave his head and go live on a mountain top he no longer deserves to live a normal life.
Re: Guilt trip
^ teek baat hai...but thought I'd point it out....using Edal's method of quoting ayats....
and my post was for both men and women.
in the first place, don't do shyt...and if you..then just shut up about it and go pray for forgiveness and not do it again. simple baat hai yaar
not saying to go live on a mountain top. :)
Re: Guilt trip
Sorry pock you’ve mistaken this with an interview request thread.. Hello, wakey wakey!