We are often faced by people with whom we find it difficult to interact. These people may be related to us.
Sometimes there are ways to resolve such conflict by speaking to the party and finding a way to move past the differences. Other times, despite making best efforts, we find that we are unable to socialize with such troubled personalities. (The characteristics of such people may be that they are two-faced and hypocritical. They may tell half-truths or hide behind excuses when they are called out on their questionable actions.)
Can someone please post some hadees and guidance on such relationships?
How did our beloved prophet show us to behave towards such people?
Socializing is never an obligation in Islam. If you see that the other party may pull you into unnecessary gossip, backbiting or other negative situations, or their presence is an emotional burden on you, then staying away from them is fine and somewhat according to sunnah.
Hazrat Wehshi killed prophet’s uncle during the battle of badar. Later he embraced Islam. Prophet forgave him but asked him never to come in front of him because hazrat wehshi’s presence was painful for him for obvious reasons.
Islam teaches us to be at our best behavior. one is not allowed to sever relationship with blood relatives and one must do his/her part to keep that relationship. we must try to do our part in maintaining a relationship with our blood relatives to please Allah and do it as an obligation ordained by Allah.
Islam teaches us to go and visit our blood relatives even if they do not like us. say salaam to them, make a weekly call, send gifts etc.
just to stay happy, and out of conflict, I have a policy of avoiding all relatives at all costs, don’t think its endorsed by Islam or hadees, but surely works.
While I am in control of my own actions and therefore cannot blame someone for “pulling” me into any sort of unsavoury situation, I find it difficult to see this person without his hypocrisy coming to mind and being top of mind when I communicate with him.
I find it near impossible to forget the deceptions and ill behaviour he has exhibited in the past. This causes me to doubt and question everything that he does and says now.
I get it. Perhaps this is why I am troubled. In the past I have willingly forgiven his bad behaviour. I have often neglected his attacks and chosen to take the higher road.
What I don’t get is how do I keep from being the victim of this person’s hypocrisy yet again?
‘Sila rehmi’ is the pivotal teaching in Islam. I don’t remember exact wording of a hadess which says if you want to have barkat in your rizq, don’t break your relationships. In Arabic Rizq cover everything and just not material earnings. It covers your children, their good fate, as well.
Probably Surah e Noor contains the verses which revealed for Hazrat Abu Bakr (RA), when he said that he will not meet or help some of his relatives who were involved in badmouthing Hazrat Ayesha (RA) after incident of ifk. These verses were revealed with instructions not to break-up your relationship with such people.
@Muzna There is this famous hadees which says ‘achi aur meethi baat / muskrana’ bhi sadqa hai. Everyone can smile and say good words to those whom he/she likes. IMO this hadees comes into picture when we meet people we don’t like.
Yes…I recall hearing of this hadees…I would love to read it myself if someone could find it.
I agree that its easy to be courteous to those that we like; this doesn’t even require effort. So truly it must apply to those situations where we are in the company of those we do not prefer.
I don’t have a problem with being tolerant. I have done that and will continue to follow this practice.
But what of those relatives that are hypocrites to the point of being malicious? What of those that would poison minds and talk of you behind your back yet be polite to your face?
I do not wish to break relationships but it is becoming more and more difficult to face someone that you know is working against you in the background.
Perhaps the answer to my question is as simple as having patience.
I read fully through your link.
While it does not address exactly what I am looking for, there is enough indication in there for someone that wants to have an answer.
I do not wish to cut off relations as Islam clearly guides us not to, but I am troubled with the consequences of keeping up those ties. So my conclusion is to seek greater patience, tolerance and protection from the fitna that this person creates through ibadat and prayer to Allah swt.
I thought the link was very heavy handed.
Personally, I try to keep relations to a hello/hi level. My main compass is to make sure that this relationship isn’t detering me from my religion; if it is then I gather that Allah would rather that I stay away then continue to sin (however small or large). But I’m no Alima dude; I’m just trying to untangle my own struggles.
What if you do keep the ties with relations but in doing so you find that you become more negative and cynical? For example every time you speak to this person in your mind you can’t help but make assumptions that they will somehow use this interaction in the future to put you down or to complain about you? Every time you are around this person in your mind you are thinking bad about them. How do you live with these kinds of people but not lose your positivity and the ability to think good of others?
I guess consciously knowing that they have a bad impact on you and not letting them.
It’s not our choice how they act but it is our choice how we react.
@Muzna I read one ayat..I don’t remember exact words but it was something like * agar wo apko takleef pohchaye tou unse ache tareeke se alag ho jaye*
As I only remember this ayat so I dont know if this was for relatives or other peoples.I will look for that ayat again and will post here.
My marhooma dadi used to say ‘gand ko gand se nahin pani se saaf kiya jata hai’. I don’t know what was behind this philosophy. She was not well versed with the meaning of Quran and hadees. She used to recite Quran every morning but in Arabic, but she kept on repeating this in different phrases like ‘jis daali main phal hota hai, wo ziada jhukti hai’.
There are incidents in Prophet’s life when he kept on trying to change the heart of those who were his bitter enemy. You might know that hypocrisy is a very detailed subject in Quran, but the Prophet never named any hypocrite or behave with them differently to feel others that those people were hypocrite. I don’t remember the name of Sahabi to whom Prophet revealed names of such hypocrites and instruct him not to reveal names to anyone. During Hazrat Omar (RA) caliphate, he invited that sahabi and insisted to tell names, but he denied as instructed. Finally, Hazrat Omar asked if his name was included in the last, to which he replied ‘No’.
This all indicates that one should be very much careful in dealing with all kind of people. Hearts can change at any time and good behavior is the best tool.
Sound advice in the link. I have relatives who’ve been both subtly or overtly malicious. We go to their funerals, attend their weddings, Salam dua whenever we see each other but we don’t have a constant day to day contact that exposes us to their negativity. Neither do they want to spend more time with us than necessary so it works out fine.
