I mean some things are supposedly common sense or common courtesy but quite a few (hosts and guests alike) lack it… me unfortunately being one of them
Maybe i’m speaking out of naivete but it seems kinda hard to be a gracious host, esp wiht desis, you hav to be available at the drop of a hat (its happened so many times we’re getting ready to go out, and someone calls and says “oh we’re coming over” or my dad will invite some of his relatives over the night before when my moms JUST run out of rice and atta and its too late at night to go shopping ) and take all their nakhray wiht a huge smile on your face…I esp hated it when guests would stay for hoursssssssssss, we’re all sick but they keep going and going and going and there’s no way you can even ask them to not come over because ur sick coz “bura lagta hai”…
everone says guests are “khuda ki rehmat” but like how much can you take before you have enough? In my case, as a first-time host I was kinda rude…but thankfully it was my best friend who stayed over so she did tell me off for being an ass, whereas if it was a relative, it’d probably blow up into this huge family argument and all that crap, so I know where I went wrong…Its esp gotta be nerve wracking when ur a newlywed, living wiht inlaws or not!..
Im especially allergic to those aunties and bratty kids who want to do everything from peeking into your cupboards to staring and asking questions which they really have no business to.
Thats always been a tough one for me, esp being raised gori and in usa. My background is one where potential guests arrange a visit far in advance - at least a week. Then stay for a few hours, share a meal and go home. Never ever ever drop in on anyone unannounced or with short notice. If visiting out-of-towners, never stay more than a couple of days. Its a colder way of life I guess but then again, in this fast-paced society, who the heck has the kind of time to handle desi-style entertaining? Anyway, I stick to my gori ways as far as being a guest, esp now with my 3 littles. Its very burdensome to have my whole gang and I realize that. As far as being hostess, I do as much as I can but we dont entertain too often. The few parties we had were quite fun and everyone had a blast. I cooked for days before hand and so did my hubby. It wore us out lol but it was fun but not something we;d be able to do more than a few times in a year.
yup, me too, shoor! but we dont have a lot of family in toronto so whenever they do come over, i'm pretty happy to host them! :) the good thing is that my fam has been in canada for so long, they've learned not to just drop by the desi way. they call beforehand and make sure we're home and vice versa. plus we're all so busy and live so far, the when we get together its an event and a party and so much fun. i think it adds value to the whole experience. the only people i would feel comfortable dropping in on would be my parents.
sara, i remember those days in karachi... i sympathise. i remember mum going thru a lot of crap at times cos so much family would come over but she couldn't even complain to anyone. ugh.
I dislike when people stay over for ages after dinner. Its very uncomfortable. Their is another peeve with out of town relatives. They come over for couple of days and invite everyone of their acquaintaince in the city to my house. So i am being a hostess 24/7. Then the aunty requires for me to sit and make small talk with most of her friends. Now that is where i draw the line. Its bad enough that you are inviting your entire freaking social circle to my house without even consulting me first and then they are your friends why do i have to sit through with them all the time? So yea i am not considered very social but it suits me. Soon i am going to change my tactics so that i can avoid the hassle altogether.
yeah somegroovychick, you are right when you say it adds value to the whole experience when there aren't that many get togethers in too less a time. I live in bombay and too many of my father's close, somewhat distant and most distant relatives are based here, so it's the opposite of your situation in my case.
im sorry, mrs.saeein, this is slightly off topic, but i couldn't help remembering this superb comment that came my way recently. one aunt, a distant relative who came to visit us from another town, upon entering my room remarks:
"Ooh, look at your rack so full of books. You have been reading since childhood, hain? you must have read all the books in the world, no? (the last bit said with a smile that graciously puts up with the fact Im so dumb that I have to read.)
I guess newly wed women are more nervous are more concerned and somewhat nervous about this...that everything shud be perfect etc etc.
I know that when we started inviting my hubby' uncles and aunts over, I just wanted everything to be perfect and likewise when his parents or sister came over.
Gradually I have grown more self confidence and become more routined so things go smoothly.
What I dislike is when some ppl stay for very long not showing consideration to you when u r just exhausted after all that kicthen work.
But hey I love being in the kicthen and stay busy if we have guests over and I dont click very well with them, then I let my husband be social with them.
But generelly I do like to invite ppl over for a meal. Its sunnah:)
yeah somegroovychick, you are right when you say it adds value to the whole experience when there aren't that many get togethers in too less a time. I live in bombay and too many of my father's close, somewhat distant and most distant relatives are based here, so it's the opposite of your situation in my case.
im sorry, mrs.saeein, this is slightly off topic, but i couldn't help remembering this superb comment that came my way recently. one aunt, a distant relative who came to visit us from another town, upon entering my room remarks:
"Ooh, look at your rack so full of books. You have been reading since childhood, hain? you must have read all the books in the world, no? (the last bit said with a smile that graciously puts up with the fact Im so dumb that I have to read.)
I got you beat, my tayyi came over and saw my room and said "oh your parents must have built it according to your size?"
I got you beat, my tayyi came over and saw my room and said "oh your parents must have built it according to your size?"
that could have been like a joke between friends but in this case it was just being too boorish. or a lack of something in yourself for which you make yourself feel better by saying something like that.
Heres a kind of mistake I made without intending to...we have desi relatives who live about 4-5 hours away. There were 2 weddings one year and we decided to stay at a hotel. Its very difficult to be "host" to my gang, esp with the eldest and his issues. And we felt it would take some pressure off of the relatives who were busy with wedding preparations and guests coming from here there and everywhere. Anyway, the family was really very hurt that we did that. Goris would tend to protest but without real sincerity - they'd see it as kind of a welcome relief. Desis were truly hurt. I felt bad about that.
mama, i think that what you did was what i would have done too. i know people, families of 5 grown adults, who have camped out in other family's houses for the entire summer- 3 months in all- and left their hosts with $500 hydro bills. and these are affluent people who can afford hotels. its disgraceful. its one thing to be desi and yes, stay at someones house, its another to move in for 3 months, make a mess, and not even offer to cover some of the bills! i just find that is taking advantage of your hosts' hospitality and niceness. a hotel is more comfortable for everyone, i think, you get your own space, your hosts get theirs.
its different if its just you and your hubz- you probably dont take up much space. but kids add another dimension to it all. i'd only feel comfortable doing that with my bro or my parents. and only if they had a large enough space so we could all fit- camping out in someone's living room isn't comfortable for anyone involved.
I don't mind guests coming over - in fact with there just being the two of us I look forward to it....HOWEVER, I draw the line at those guests who only come over when they have a matlab - like there's a wedding they have to attend in town or as a stopover.......they treat the house like a hotel!!!!
I like hosting guests from overseas - especially all my mama's...! Oh and my bro in law who is with us right now - he is so low maintenance - surprising for a 21 years old male from India!!!!!!
) and take all their nakhray wiht a huge smile on your face…I esp hated it when guests would stay for hoursssssssssss, we’re all sick but they keep going and going and going and there’s no way you can even ask them to not come over because ur sick coz “bura lagta hai”…