Grief

[yanzala]

i was thinking about making a threat about this from a long time, but seeing how much fun everyone is having with those colorful topics i thought this might just be too boring for anyone to reply, but finally i have come to decide that this is the only place where i can talk about this issue.

it’s not even a problem just my feelings that i wanted to share.

earlier this year my aunt died.
I wasn’t always close to her as growing up but in last 4, or 5 years i got really close to her. she was the only one i can talk to about anything at all. i have never been close to my mother at all. my aunt was the first person i have ever gotten as close to as normal people to their mothers.
she lived in pakistan and i am in america. last year when i went to pakistan i spent a lot of time with her and got even closer to her, i felt like she was the only person who gives me unconditional love. she doesn’t care if my grades are good or bad, she doesn’t care if i have good manner, if i am rude or anything at all.
she just loved me.
she worried overy my small problems, she gets happy to see me happy. she always notticed even the smallest things about me, and give me the importance which i always wished my own mother had given me. during my visit last year she was diagonose with cancer, but she was so strong and brave that she never showed she was sick.
when i came back to america i used to talk to her over phone and even when she sounded really really week she would say that it’s nothing bas kamzoori hai, i am fine. and i always beleived her. i really didn’t thought she would die so soon. i mean people live years after cancer and i was expecting her to live another 5, 6 years.
but one day while i was in my kitchen washing dishes listening to music i got the news that she died.
how could she die like that, i just talked to her few days ago for like over an hour and few days later she died.
i am not really a crying person, i never cry in front on anyone at all. so even when she died, i cried on my own but that was it. i didn’t talk about her to anyone and just missed her.
for a while i kind of dinied her death, i stopped thinking she has died, and even if this thought came in my mind i forced my self to move my thoughts to something else.
but it’s like there was a huge hole in my heart, i missed her so much that sometimes i would be just sitting in my class and just a thought of her would bring tears in my eyes and i had to try really hard not to just start crying in middle of the class.
several times i cried while driving because that’s where i am completely alone.
i cried for her when i get a bad grade in test, i cried, and missed her when i see a sad scene in drama, i cried for her reading sad books. i cried for her in middle of night, i just when ever i thought of her.
i feel like i want to talk to someone about her, but i just can’t. i always sound cold and without any feelings when i try to say something about her like i am pretending to love her, to showoff my feeling. but when i am alone i cry for her like she has died this morning.
once i tried to say something about my feelings to my other aunt (my khala, the aunt who died was my phoppo) she said, why are you being so dramatic over her death, you weren’t even directly related to her, if her kids and grand kids can over come her death, then who are you to be so emotional.
those words really hurt me, and then i really didn’t ever show my emotion about her to anyone because i thought people would think i am just putting an act.
i can’t bring my self up to looking at her photos that i took last year.
but, it’s going to sound really weired but i don’t want to stop missing her. i don’t want to stop crying for her. i like missing her, i like crying for her because i like to know that i still love her, if i stop crying for her, my love for her might fade away.
it’s been nine months, and i am not getting over her death.

thanks for reading, i just wanted to share my feelings because i really wanted to talk about her, and no one understand my feelings.

[Niksik]

Re: Grief

that's really sad :(

May Allah grant your phupoo a high place in jannah. The best thing you can do for yourself is to pray for her everyday. That will also bring peace in your mind and heart. Then, you need to overcome your emotions because think of it this way, even your aunt wouldn't have wanted you to stop your life, right?

[clothesmad]

Your underlying issues have surfaced somewhat in your post, i'm really sorry about your loss and i hope Allah grants her Jannat.

You mentioned that your not close to your mum and also about how you hide your emotions, it seems that in your aunt you could show those emotions that seem to be bottled up in front of your immediate family.

Why can't you share your feelings with your mum? do you have any sisters that you can talk to?

Grief is a very personal emotion, there is no right or wrong way to handle it, some people take years (others never) to get over grief.

Get closer to your deen, i know you may have heard this before, but honestly the closer you to religion the easier it is to manage, namaz, dua, Quran it all eases the pain.

[yanzala]

Re: Grief

thank for your reply niskik, INSHALLAH ALLAHTALA will grant her the highest place in jannah.
you are right that she wouldn't want me to be suffering like this. but i can't help it when i am feeling all alone, upset or hurt over something and i don't have her anymore to talk about my problems. i don't have anyone anymore. no one understand the things she understood.

[zobia]

Re: Grief

when ever you miss her, pray for her that she get a place in Jannah. and thats the best reward anyone can pray for.

ps. you dont need to overcome her death, instead you need to see your current and find pay your dues. cuz you also need to die one day.

[yanzala]

Your underlying issues have surfaced somewhat in your post, i'm really sorry about your loss and i hope Allah grants her Jannat.

You mentioned that your not close to your mum and also about how you hide your emotions, it seems that in your aunt you could show those emotions that seem to be bottled up in front of your immediate family.

Why can't you share your feelings with your mum? do you have any sisters that you can talk to?

*i wish i could have done that, but it doesn't really come naturally when in last 22 years of my life i have never had any heart to heart with her and one day just going to her and discussing my feeling wouldn't dramatically change things. all she would say are some proper words that i have heard million times before.
i do have a sister but she is 10 years younger than me, she doesn't really know what to say, actually she will get upset seeing me upset and that is not going to do any good.
*

Grief is a very personal emotion, there is no right or wrong way to handle it, some people take years (others never) to get over grief.

Get closer to your deen, i know you may have heard this before, but honestly the closer you to religion the easier it is to manage, namaz, dua, Quran it all eases the pain.

ALHAMDULILAH i pray 5 times a day (most of the days otherwise i definitely pray 4 times a day) i don't recide quran everyday, but INSHALLAH i will start it too.

[Sajalina]

Re: Grief

If you don't mind sharing, how was she related to you?

[DramayBazz]

Re: Grief

i can somewhat relate, i had a very close relationship with my nani, she had a total of 8 kids and 18 grandchildren so ya it wasn't as if i was an only and ladlee or something but on some level we just clicked and could talk. it was very hard for me to lose her suddenly and i took it the hardest, could not share her loss with others because the way i knew her, nobody really did.

i took all that sadness and sort of gathered it in a corner somewhere and now whenever i'm down or just lonely, i go to that place and i cry for her and for myself. maybe its a coping mechanism, but its normal, don't fret over it too much. to share such a beautiful rishta with a kin is rare and we should treasure it and hold on to its memory :)

[Bint_e_Naeem]

that's really sad :(

May Allah grant your phupoo a high place in jannah. The best thing you can do for yourself is to pray for her everyday. That will also bring peace in your mind and heart. Then, you need to overcome your emotions because think of it this way, even your aunt wouldn't have wanted you to stop your life, right?

Exactly what I was gonna say. Ameen.

Every time you feel like crying read Quran for her, do any good deed or give sadqa under her name. She'll be getting sawab for that & that is what she needs more than her niece crying for her. Praying in any form helps a lot to cope with sadness.

[yanzala]

If you don't mind sharing, how was she related to you?

she was my dad's sister

[yanzala]

i can somewhat relate, i had a very close relationship with my nani, she had a total of 8 kids and 18 grandchildren so ya it wasn't as if i was an only and ladlee or something but on some level we just clicked and could talk. it was very hard for me to lose her suddenly and i took it the hardest, could not share her loss with others because the way i knew her, nobody really did.

i took all that sadness and sort of gathered it in a corner somewhere and now whenever i'm down or just lonely, i go to that place and i cry for her and for myself. maybe its a coping mechanism, but its normal, don't fret over it too much. to share such a beautiful rishta with a kin is rare and we should treasure it and hold on to its memory :)

you are exactly right dramayBazz, when i miss her and cry for her, i feel like that my relationship with her is still alive, it didn't die with her, and even though i cry and miss her, it makes me happy that she is still the only one who is close to me.

[yanzala]

Exactly what I was gonna say. Ameen.

Every time you feel like crying read Quran for her, do any good deed or give sadqa under her name. She'll be getting sawab for that & that is what she needs more than her niece crying for her. Praying in any form helps a lot to cope with sadness.

you guys are right about reciting quran, i am very ashamed that i am very lazy when it comes to reading quran but INSHALLAH i will over come my laziness and start reciting quran on daily basis.

thank you so much :D

[maena]

Re: Grief

Yanzala, i can kind of relate. Three weeks ago a friend of mine passed away in a car wreck. She wasn't a relative or even an extremely close friend, but i worked with her in a research lab and saw her everyday and shared an office with her. I broke down when i heard she was gone. She was only 26 and was going to get married in May. Weeks later, i still find myself constantly thinking about her and every conversation i ever had with her and getting upset. I can't even imagine what her poor fiance and family are going through. Even though i'm sure she's in a better place and i try to be grateful for the time i knew her, short though it was, there is something about death that just lingers. I hope time manages to heal the pain for both of us.

[yanzala]

Yanzala, i can kind of relate. Three weeks ago a friend of mine passed away in a car wreck. She wasn't a relative or even an extremely close friend, but i worked with her in a research lab and saw her everyday and shared an office with her. I broke down when i heard she was gone. She was only 26 and was going to get married in May. Weeks later, i still find myself constantly thinking about her and every conversation i ever had with her and getting upset. I can't even imagine what her poor fiance and family are going through. Even though i'm sure she's in a better place and i try to be grateful for the time i knew her, short though it was, there is something about death that just lingers. I hope time manages to heal the pain for both of us.

INSHALLAH. maybe ALLATHALA grand her jannat and give you and her family sabar-e-jameel.
i am not sure if u have had those feelings to is that people just does not understand your feelings or relation with the person who has died, unless it a sibling, parent, or a grand parent, people just doesn't understand why we are so sad. several time, even from my own family i got those sort of comments that why are u being so emotional when u weren't exactly directly related to her, as she wasn't my mother or grandmother, she was just my phoppo.

[lovelybabe]

Re: Grief

I feel sorry for your loss. You have to understand that its completely normal for you to take the time afterlosing someone in such and unexpected and quick way. I guess you'll come to accept and adjust with the reality of the situation in time and maybe you'll find a way of to deal with your loss.

I was very much attached to my grand mother and after losing her, I was more or less in similar situation for over 2 years. To be honest, its been 6 years now, and when I think of my country (i;ve moved since then) I still see her as part of the family back home but in less than a second I realise she's not there anymore. It still hurts when you think of all the times and how you could have changed some things and maybe spent more time with the person you lost, but I don't think we miss them any less or care any less about the loss of a loved one as time passes.

[yanzala]

I feel sorry for your loss. You have to understand that its completely normal for you to take the time afterlosing someone in such and unexpected and quick way. I guess you'll come to accept and adjust with the reality of the situation in time and maybe you'll find a way of to deal with your loss.

I was very much attached to my grand mother and after losing her, I was more or less in similar situation for over 2 years. To be honest, its been 6 years now, and when I think of my country (i;ve moved since then) I still see her as part of the family back home but in less than a second I realise she's not there anymore. It still hurts when you think of all the times and how you could have changed some things and maybe spent more time with the person you lost, but I don't think we miss them any less or care any less about the loss of a loved one as time passes.

you are right
after her death i don't feel like going to pakistan anymore. i can't go and stay at her house because it's not my phoppo's house anymore, it's my cousin's place. i have lost a home now. the way she used to make me feel home and how comfortably i used to be in pakistan during her life, i just can not live that way anymore in pakistan.