I’ve come across a girl that had a great thing going with a potential candidate for marriage. The guy and her got along and pretty much found common ground in the process of discovering each other’s personalities and goals in life.
The process reached the parents and no sooner did the guy’s parents find out that the potential DIL’s mother is divorced, they cautioned him not to proceed.
On his insistence they visited the girl’s home…did the standard “chai” thing and while they could find no significant reason to turn the rishta down, they commented that the mother was “a little firm”, “strongly opinionated” and “quite modern”.
Now the process has stalled. They don’t want to go back and he’s ticked off at them.
She’s upset and withdrawn.
What to do?
Have any of you heard of this sort of objection before?
Any recommendations?
do approximation, how many time girl going to visit mother ?
More then a week..NO
OR how may children she want
less then 4—NO
because if she says she want a big family, that means she want to do her own family, and don’t foresee her self being
too attached to her mother( MIL) after marriage.
Also find out if “firmness” in MIL came after divorce(good thing)
or firmness caused the divorce :nono:
stuff like that.
One of my cousins in Pakistan is facing a similar problem. Her father was killed during a robbery at their house many years ago. She is pretty. In the process of getting her Masters. Family is well-off. Any proposals that come for her, they all approve of her initially but when they go back and do their background search, the family history comes up and so far, no one has been able to look past that. I'm not sure how that's my cousin's fault or how that is even considered a bad thing for rishta? But for some reason people use this excuse (like this is what they tell the matchmaker) to reject her.
I think people will find any excuse to reject a rishta. If the guy is serious about this girl, he should put his foot down and let his parents know that this is it for him. Perhaps overtime they'll come around?
Don't know, but as the divorce rate is rising amongst desis, what is going to happen to our kids' generation, when they are trying to get married, and their parents divorces are held against them? It will be much more common in that generation to find find such girls. Do we reject those people because of interpersonal problems their parents had in their youth?
I borrowed from Zafra’s earlier post. Forgive the editorial license…
Yes, I know the guy isn’t the problem - his parents are. But how do you change how parents and people like this think?
BTW, I have an acquaintance - her parents are very happily married, no separation or divorce between them. But the thing is, the mom was the worst sort of interfering MIL, and her daughter is now divorced and at home with her young son. Which just goes to show, the mom’s marital status has no impact on the success or failure of a marriage.
^Partner's health will have much more of an impact in practical terms than a divorced parent..
So many on here have described their parents as being 'ill with diabetes, high bp' etc yet in that thread for some reason it's being thought of as usually not a big deal at all (and yes, I know it's not a big deal if a person looks after themselves properly but how many realistically do lead the ideal healthy lifestyle after being diagnosed as diabetic in our culture? Most of the aunties and uncles I've seen are still overweight, still eating the wrong foods and not very healthy)
So so sad. So now not only do I have to worry about myself, I have to worry about my child too. This whole forum is becoming super depressing. Doesn't anyone have any tales like these but with happy endings?
My parents divorced when I was 14. My two elder sisters married at the ages of 19 & 18 by choice (and against our parents wishes) so I was the only one of us three who went through the "rishta process". I'm sure there probably were a few people who thoo-thoo'd on our family situation, but of the three serious potential rishtas I considered prior to meeting my husband, NONE of them had any issues with my mother being a divorced single mother.
When my husband and I were getting married, my jait was a little upset, but that was more because he was good friends with my father and so didn't really like my Ammi for some stupid reason, but my husband put a squash to that real fast. Once we were married, I never really heard about it again.
As someone who has been in this situation, I would say that if a family is going to judge a girl on the basis of her parent's past/marital relationship, that's a family I would not want to be a part of.
if a family is going to judge a girl on the basis of her parent's past/marital relationship
I mostly agree with what you've said khatti. However, in some cases, the parents' past does provide a clue to their children's upbringing. Case in point - my cousin married this guy whose father left his mom for another woman (they never got a divorce though the dad still lives with the 2nd woman). The father participates in all family functions and the mom still lives with her in laws. They act like nothing has happened. My cousin is now divorced because her husband too had an affair. Not saying he had an affair 100% because of his dad, but I'm sure the level of tolerance shown by his family for his dad's behaviour had something to do with the fact that he found it perfectly acceptable to sleep with another woman.
However I don't think that divorced parents should be a reason to reject a rishta. Sometimes parents separating is a much better envionment for a child to grow up in than a toxic marriage.
my aunt and uncle had a separation in early years of marriage. they never divorced but lived separately with the kids living with my aunt.
but all my cousins from that aunt got married pretty easily. my aunt has 2 daughters and didn't face any such issue from potential rishtas for them.
also the separation of the parents or the divorce does not necessarily put negative impact on the kids, my male cousins have this thing in their minds very strongly from the beginning that they would do everything what it requires for a successful marriage because they don't want their kids to suffer due to a broken home.
-- that the child of this broken marriage could be less inclined to "make it work" come hell or high water because she saw her own mother struggle after breaking up with her husband
or
-- that the child of this broken marriage would work twice as hard to avoid being in the same situation as her mother
Or... The child is an individual and would make decisions and live life in a way that is based on many many many experiences, perspectives and interactions, and one event in her life does not dictate who she is.
My daughter is adopted. Do I know there will be people who will have issues with that? Definitely. Do I want her to be married in such families where they will think less of her based something that she had no choice on? Absofreakingly not.
-- that the child of this broken marriage would work twice as hard to avoid being in the same situation as her mother
in my personal situation, I would say this is somewhat true....I don't know that I've had to work twice as hard as anyone else, but the demise of my parents relationship definitely taught me life long lessons that shaped/formed my own views on what it takes to make a marriage work.
Alhamdullilah, today, I can say that in our families and circle of friends, my husband and I are widely regarded as the most stable/well adjusted couple, and I think it's because I was able to take the bad parts of how I grew up and turn that know how into something positive and constructive.
hard to watch this relationship go sour but I'm afraid that unless this guy does something significant to show that he will stand by his wife in the face of adversity from his own family, I'd have to advise her to walk away.
Alhamdullilah, today, I can say that in our families and circle of friends, my husband and I are widely regarded as the most stable/well adjusted couple, and I think it's because I was able to take the bad parts of how I grew up and turn that know how into something positive and constructive.