How big of a role do grandparents play in a child’s upbringing, especially in mmm say a traditional joint family setup like in Pak, or a more modern family setup as often seen outside of Pak… In both cases, how much do grandparents give an input and what happens when there are conflicts of thoughts? (simple example, i recently read a post where a mother wanted her sons to do housework but their dadi was against it as she didnt think boys should do ghar ka kaam).
I also just wonder, b/c all the women who have problems with their MILs, do those differences dissipate with the arrival of a child or does it just get worse…
I had to have an emergency C-sec and the dadi showed up inside the labor room while I was being prepped (grrrr) and inquired the nurses about baby's heartbeat and she was the first one I saw in the post-op ICU after recovering a bit from the anaesthesia and she was continuously present for more than 24 hrs after the baby's birth not giving me and hubby time with the baby alone to bond or even giving me time alone with the baby. Interfered with each and every tiny thing, including how I should feed him (i was a newbie, really wanted to be alone), made my baby wear dirty clothes without them being washed and ironed first, that she picked from a shop then and there and I had to be rude and kick her out of the room every time the ayah's had to come and help me change. It was HORRIBLE! actually both me and my mom were pretty ticked off that tears streamed down my face the entire night and I had to beg my OB to discharge us earlier the next day so we could go to my mom's place and get some privacy!
So once I go back to my hubby/in-law's place after 6 weeks, all I see her is being more interfering with my kid, since technically its their pota and more of theirs for them, and getting to hear all the time that she knows better since she's raised 8 kids! I duno what I'm gonna do :s
Grandparents love telling you whats best for your child whether they live with you or not. My dad feels offended that we listen more to google or to child raising books than our elders. But honestly some of the practises are just not advised these days. MIL thinks i am doing my daughter a disservice by not giving her a bottle of milk whenever she wants, and that i didnt teach her to eat, and that i have her on a schedule to make things easy for me (whats wrong with that?). And then your unmarried, single, not-themselves-parents relations want to give you parenting advice too. Its all fine and dandy to give advice but what they all forget is that ultimately WE are the parents and responsible for our children. If we dont take their advice, they shouldnt feel offended because in the end, we know our kids better because we spend more time with them.
With my mother, she respects the fact that i am the mom and lets me do my own thing. she does give advice but doesnt force me to take it. My own abbu and parents in law think i am doing alot of things wrong and honestly i am tired of defending myself. In the future as well, i plan on doing what i feel is best for my child. If i think my sons should do housework, then thats what i will teach them InshaAllah (somehow i see myself having this discussion with my inlaws about this in the future lol).
The way i see it, our parents and inlaws ahd thier own chance to raise their kids the way they wanted to. Now its ours. Ofcourse i will never tell them this but :D
^She was only 1 year old jab unhon nai bola thaa .... my husband was ready to give her tea, I told him no it has caffeine in it, don't.
Ab tau kabhi kabhi peene daiti hoon but still, I don't get how tea can cure a cold..... if the purpose is to give a hot liquid, why not hot chocolate or milk even.
haha very true. i love grandparents where they support parents and teach kids old values, religion, quran, bed time stories etc. sometimes kids need old values too. as a child i grew up with no grandparents from either side so i want my kids to have them around. they love, they pamper and sometimes kids need them to convince their own parents where they r wrong. but the sad fact is my kid’s paternal does nothing of the things i wish them to and maternal hardly gets the chance to be with them.
How big of a role do grandparents play in a child's upbringing, especially in mmm say a traditional joint family setup like in Pak, or a more modern family setup as often seen outside of Pak..... In both cases, how much do grandparents give an input and what happens when there are conflicts of thoughts? (simple example, i recently read a post where a mother wanted her sons to do housework but their dadi was against it as she didnt think boys should do ghar ka kaam).
I also just wonder, b/c all the women who have problems with their MILs, do those differences dissipate with the arrival of a child or does it just get worse.....
Children who have grand parents are very very lucky !
There will be difference of opinions when it comes to taking care of your child and upbringing but those differences can be ignored or adopted without having any negative feelings. I many a times don't agree with my own parents when it comes to my daughter but it's ok & manageable.
My dada dadi were more loving and caring than my nana and nani & my mother and my dadi had differences like all the saas bahu in the world but my mom always tells me that she loved me very much and always kept my interest first. Saas bahu relationship and relation with of your kid with dada dadi is completely different and I believe that if dada dadi are truly caring and loving they will become more kind and considerate towards the bahu after she gives birth to their grand child and same goes for bahu that she will become more kind towards them after seeing how much they love her child.
When my daughter was born and I woke up the first thing my ex MIL said to me was that in operation theatre there men too and you did not have much clothes on you.......aye haye kiya kar saktay hain sab chalta hai haina wahan konsa parda ? I was surprised that she was sneak peeking the operation theatre instead of praying for her grand child's life. When I asked my mom if they all could see the theatre she said she does not know how on the earth she managed to see you over there because they were not letting anybody stand near the door. Before she met me she got angry on my mom saying that "tum nay to kaha tha larka hoga" whereas my mom actually never said that.
How ridiculous and I am NOT referring to the dadi of the baby :halo::p.
Anyway, back to the original question - my dadi and nana passed away when my father and mother were very young and, therefore, I never got to see either of them. However, I was very fortunate to have spent some years with my dada and nani and those are the BEST memories of my childhood if I may say so. I was the oldest grandchildren in both sides of the family and, therefore, the apple of everyone’s eyes. My grandfather is the one who inculcated the love of books in me and my nanni was more like a mother than a grandmother. I was practically raised by her up until 16 years of age. May ALLAH TALLAH bless their souls, ameen!
P.S. I can’t help but thank ALLAH TALLAH to have me blessed with parents who weren’t even 1/nth vile, vicious, and toxic, like some parents here on GS, and allowed me establish a very beautiful and strong bond with my both grand parents which is something I am going to cherish ALL my life.
just something ive seen alot and would like to share:
alot of times in uneducated families.....its believed that the sons kids are more superior than the daughters.....so for example if the son has a kid....that kid is given more priority by his dadi and dada....rather than a daughters son.....i sometimes see this as being very unfair....because alot of times some kids only have their nana and nani living nearby and dadi and dada live far away....so its totally unfair that their nana and nani treat them second class and give more preference to their grandkids from their sons side.....i have seen this alot where I live and I wouldnt want my own kid to feel left out or treated second class by his nani or nana.....cuz sometimes i see this thinking in them too.....from the way they treat my sisters and brothers kids....theres a BIG difference ....they treat my brothers kids better than my sisters...
Btw it's usually the opposite!! Nani and nana are always closer because it's their daughters children ! Son ke silsilay mei tu there's the bahu involved right.. So the maternal grandparents are always more loving but that's my point of view. And coming back to the topic, I think grandparents should have a say in how to raise the child but to an extent. They shouldn't want to overrule the parents but there's no harm in asking them for advice. Advice that's personal and catered right to the situation is always better than that in self help books. :)
I think my daughter is so blessed. Both sets of grandparents live ten minutes away. Her nana, dada, and dadi don't work so they are always dropping in to play and give me a chance to take a break. They took care of both of us after she was born and I was recovering from surgery. Sure, there are small annoyances, but those are nothing in comparison to the love and support we receive from them.
Yesterday my MIL and FIL stopped by after a weekend out of town. Bunny was so excited! She started dancing and bopping and showing all her tricks.
She interacts with each of them differently.
Because of her nana she sits easily without support and says "Allah." Because of her dadi, when someone calls her she says, "gee!" She loves to cuddle with her nani and take walks with dada. She's even become attached to her per-nani who is visiting!
I think they encourage us to move her to the next stage when we're scared, but they back off if we say that the doctor said to do things differently, etc. Like MIL gave Bunny ice cream and cheese (telling me later), but when we said no dairy yet, she stopped. Same with my mom.
Anyway, we love her relationships with her grandparents!
^i think it would be really useful. I requested one a while back.
I just want to add that no matter your own personal issues with your relatives, it's best not to let those interfere with your child's relationships. The more people who love them, the more people they love, the better.
There may be some exceptions out there but, mostly, grandparents would want only the best for their grandchildren. Their ideas and concepts of what is best for a child and what is not may not match with those of the parents but that most certainly doesn't mean they harbor any malicious feelings for the grandchildren.
I think my daughter is so blessed. Both sets of grandparents live ten minutes away. Her nana, dada, and dadi don't work so they are always dropping in to play and give me a chance to take a break. They took care of both of us after she was born and I was recovering from surgery. Sure, there are small annoyances, but those are nothing in comparison to the love and support we receive from them.
Yesterday my MIL and FIL stopped by after a weekend out of town. Bunny was so excited! She started dancing and bopping and showing all her tricks.
She interacts with each of them differently.
Because of her nana she sits easily without support and says "Allah." Because of her dadi, when someone calls her she says, "gee!" She loves to cuddle with her nani and take walks with dada. She's even become attached to her per-nani who is visiting!
I think they encourage us to move her to the next stage when we're scared, but they back off if we say that the doctor said to do things differently, etc. Like MIL gave Bunny ice cream and cheese (telling me later), but when we said no dairy yet, she stopped. Same with my mom.
Anyway, we love her relationships with her grandparents!
awww..... :) MashaAllah, your bunny is lucky to have both sets of grandparents around her.
Kids who have love coming from both sets of grandparents are really very blessed. Me and hubby didn't have that while we were growing up and since alhamdulillah both sets of parents are alive and well...we decided we would come back to the country where they all were, so that our first born could get this love. All nana, nani, dada, dadi just adore Jr. and it is wonderful to see the interaction between grandchild and grandparents....
Regardless of how inlaws treat the bahu for the most part the love they have for their grandchild is very very genuine.... and it really is wonderful to see the happiness in their eyes when they see their grandchild.... I do wish more and more parents put aside their differences and welcome the grandparents into their kids' lives.... parent's ideas and prejudices can keep valuable love away from the kids....
and I am NOT referring to the dadi of the baby :halo::p.