Many families have grandparents at home who are usually a great help in raising the kids but sometimes conflicts happen due to differences in thought process, styles of parenting, etc.
Please share how dada dadi nana nani can affect the way we raise our children, their influence whether positive or negative.
Re: Grandparents and parents
Thanks hareem. Do you have any stories to share?
I've had the opportunity to live with my mother in law. She was a great help with the kids. She always had good advice but sometimes it was in conflict with what we know and practice today. Earlier I used to get all defensive and would try to prove that the old ways were no longer applicable. That caused more tension. Slowly I realized that as a dadi she too has a right over my kids and wants to be treated as a valuable elder. So I changed myself to be more accepting and flexible.
Re: Grandparents and parents
Dunno, but I think my dadi (well not the real dadi, dada's second wife actually).. was a negative influence over my sister. Don't ask how, maybe her badua actually worked whatever.
Re: Grandparents and parents
My daddi is the most amazing woman in the world, mashallah. She raised us after mum died. My dadda abbu too, is just the most kind hearted man ever. He's very strict and sometimes really difficult but AMAZING. Nana died when mum was little, Nani I met twice before she died, she loved to hug and kiss.
My family would not exist if it wasnt for my dadda and daddi. I loves them. A lot. They arn't very 'modern' or 'liberal' but their traditional ways are a blessing sometimes. They somehow make everything better.
My daddi is the most amazing woman in the world, mashallah. She raised us after mum died. My dadda abbu too, is just the most kind heart man ever. He's very strict and sometimes really difficult but AMAZING. Nana died when mum was little, Nani I met twice before she died, she loved the hug and kiss.
My family would not exist if it wasnt for my dadda and daddi. I loves them. A lot. They arn't very 'modern' or 'liberal' but their traditional ways are a blessing sometimes. They somehow make everything better.
mash'Allah! may Allah give them best health and sukoon both in this life and hereafter.
Re: Grandparents and parents
Granddparents are great to have at home because the child gets a sense of family and elders. However they are WAY TOO LENIENT on the kids. So my children do get confused as to what is right and what is wrong and what are the boundaries.
Positive: my children get to see someone in the home that prays 5 times a day and reads Quran regulary, get nutrious meals (instead of eating processed crap), learn interdepenedcies of families, makes Eid and other holidays so much fun.
Negative: Less structure in the house, conflicting parenting styles, grandparents bring old fashioned thoughts into today's lifestyle.
But overall - and I never thought I would say until I had kids - they are a blessing to have in your home :)
Earlier I used to get all defensive and would try to prove that the old ways were no longer applicable. That caused more tension. Slowly I realized that as a dadi she too has a right over my kids and wants to be treated as a valuable elder. So I changed myself to be more accepting and flexible.
Me too Niksik - I had an adjustment period. My mom never lived with her in laws and I was not raised up like that so when my in laws came to stay with us - I had a hard time.
I wanted things done a certain way and my home to reflect my choices but I let go. I learned that there are more than one way to do something as as long as it gets done it doesn't matter HOW it was done.
Re: Grandparents and parents
So what do you do when your kids nani or dadi:
Please add some more possible situations and discuss solutions.
Here's another one.
My good friend lives walking distance from her in laws and her 2 kids are always running off to dadi's home because there are other cousins there and they have a ball. My friend feels that they are getting spoilt as they skip meals and fuss coming home etc. etc. I told her to have a chat with her mother in law that she could have the kids come home for khaana so they can at least sit together at the table and eat.
I don't know...kids love fun and a relaxed atmosphere. Maybe that's why they are attracted to dadi's place?
Re: Grandparents and parents
the second problem is a driving me nuts lately. And no it is not my inlaws it my father who just doesnt pay attention. It is tricky situation, my father is the type of forceful personality who always likes to dominate others. It is very hard for him to udnerstand that although he is an elder, going ahead and cutting hair of my daughter is not a reasonable thing to do when me and my husband donot want him to. Twice i have talked with him in private but it falls on deaf ears. Thankfully my husband is a patient man and he doesnot make a big fuss of the issue that he could if he wanted. (coz honestly last time nana jan cut her hair it was a nightmare, a truly bad cut).
Second is the trouble of him sneaking things that i have kept her away from. Like chocolates and drinks ,lollies and ice creams. Although on that i draw a line and take her away when i find him giving it to her. He tries to sneak her now and then so i have to be extra vigilant when those two are together.
I think the grand parents conflicts are particularily harder to deal with because you want to model a respect for parents for your child yet have some rules established. Ofcourse on the other side it is an extremely valuable relationship, i still have the fondest memories of my dado and she was an absolute legend but in retrospect she just didnt discipline us ever! I have no single memory of her scolding anybody no matter how grave the issue be.
[quote="Niksik"]
So what do you do when your kids nani or dadi:
[quote]
I let the child choose and say she picked out this one. If she picks the one that they choose - I don't get offended.
HAIR is such a big issue in our house. Everyone has an opinion. This one drives me insane and I hear things like... the hair takes away all the nutrition so that's why my kids are skinny. WHAT???????????
Don't have this issue
I don't BUDGE on this one. I don't care what anyone says - Me and my husband stick to the displicing of the kids.
Re: Grandparents and parents
njgal, the only issue I’ve had is with the hair as well 
However, I got hers cut off but I did mention that when the girls are older as in preschoolers, I’m growing them.
OK this skinny and hair length issue is something I got exposed to a few weeks ago on Eid when we went to visit a friend of hubby’s. His mom and dad live with him and his dad commented that the reason why my girls are so skinny because their hair is sucking up all the nutrition so I should get it cut right away.
I haven’t heard that before. But is that true 
Re: Grandparents and parents
It's not true Niksik. I have asked a peditrition (he looked at me like I was on drugs) and did tons of research.
I also had one of my friend shave her 3 years old daughter's hair so she would gain weight. Guess what - she is still skinny as a twig.
Your child weight has a lot what they eat and genetics.
And the funny thing is my children are NOT skinny at all. They are quite plumply but I always get that I don't feed them enough. :)
Re: Grandparents and parents
My hubby's parents are sadly deceased and never got to meet their grandsons. My boys treasured my Dad ("greepa") so very much and I am so very glad that all 3 are old enough to remember him and how very special he was.
My mom, "Grandma" to the boyz, is a mixed blessing. She is a big help, she undoubtedly loves them and they love her but at times there;s trouble. Grandma can be nasty, she thankfully usually directs it at me but occasionally directs it at middle son. Middle son handles it like a wise old soul, he told me that she;s mean cause she misses grandpa so when he grows up, HE will be her grandpa and then she'll be happy. So even in the bad times, my mom has taught some very valuable life lessons to the boyz.
Meantime, I do my best to distract her, keep her happy and avoid things that annoy her (which can be tough when everything seems to annoy her lol!) but perhaps the favor will be returned when I turn into a mean ole lady!
Re: Grandparents and parents
Grandparents play a very important role in the lives of children. So much so that they can effect their lives negatively or positively in a profound way.
It is important that grandparents and the parents alike have love and respect for each other to make things work. Both parties need to understand what their role is in the child's life and they need to stick with that without overstepping any boundaries.
I personally, have not had any experiences that I can share about my grandparents as I have never had the privilege of living with them or living in close proximity to them. :(
However, I have seen some grandparents making a childs life and their parents life a living hell and some who have very fond memories.
Re: Grandparents and parents
excellent topic, Niksik. Generational distance or gap between parents and grand parents has been there ever since the cycle of parenting began. The difference in the living and values and the kind of bonding that grand children can have with their grand parents is distinguishable from parental bonding, in many ways.
First, grand parents adorn grand children. So the love in almost all cases, is always there.
Second, parents who have good relationship with their own parents (grandparents to the child/ren) and cross- parents-in-law relations are good, too, will always be able to provide a nurturing relationship to their children and grandchildren.
& third, over time, and as children spend a long time with their grandparents, they will begin to develop a very special bond with them, sometimes, even more closely than with the busy parents, in today’s times. At least, this is what I have been observing in my cousins’ children. This is great in many ways. Because it allows the generations to become ever so close and also to be able to learn family values and seek them in a
reinforcement-based approach, from both the parents and the grandparents.