I knew someone back in new york who had dated a guy for three years. and when they finally got married, their marriage did not last more than a year. i am sure there must be a lot of other cases that you have seen. but what I Am trying to understand here is that are three years not enough for a person to understand another? it also makes me skeptic about the whole dating process.
maybe a good girlfriend/boyfriend does not necessarily make into a good spouse.
what do you think?
Re: good dating/ bad marriage
i guess once you have long bf/gf relationship, you are used to it and expect that to continue after marriage. affair is not a marriage so when we think both are same, then this happens.
unless both changes after marriage, more responsibilities, house, family, bills and keeping love life alive etc
i guess dating is like time off/ holidays that you enjoy with some one you prefer/like/love. Living life with someone is bit different if not entirely.
bf/gf do also make happy couples as they understand each other better.
Re: good dating/ bad marriage
Well as i m also gonna be going through this transition. I can say that expectations changes. Every relationship commes with responsibility and expectation.. Lets say when you pick your GF/BF you look for the best potential friend and mate, things you have in common and all. and you expectations usually are that she/he loves you, spends time with you and understand you. Yet when you are married to that same person, you expectation increase to can he/she be a good parent? how much they make? how are their living styles(messy, clean freak) and how they act with your family.
It is possible that some one could be a good mate and understand you and they would pass for gf/bf yet not a good parent or disrespects family or even have a messy lifestyle.
Both people need to realize this that their relationship is going to a next level and be open to high expectations n more responsibility.
and to tell you the truth after marrriage things arent that sweett lubby dubby anymore so thats another change which makes some people believe that he/she is not in love with me anymore....
Re: good dating/ bad marriage
dating is like acting out Jackyl N Hyde. the best in him/her is always out while the worst is hidden for later [usuallly after marriage or after the first child]
Re: good dating/ bad marriage
No two people are the same. No two situations are the same and no two intentions are the same.
I am sure there are lots of people who are very happily married and in love regardless of dating or knowing one another beforehand.
Re: good dating/ bad marriage
If I was allowed to date 
I would have been able to answer you today
oh schmuck
Re: good dating/ bad marriage
"...but what I Am trying to understand here is that are three years not enough for a person to understand another?..."
even the whole life is not enough for understanding someone :)
actually we humans are really complex and we dont understand ourselves. We keep surprising ourselves every other day.
So the problem actually is people actually take marriage to be exactly like dating. While it is not. Marriage is a more practical thing. Where you can only find happiness keeping the other person happy and sacrificing yourself for their happiness and in return getting happiness yourself.
Marriage only works when you work on them. Like any other relationships. Just dont take things for granted and dont pay much attention that you can understand someone more than they do themself.
Girls who think their boyfriends are “gods” end up going through this situation when they find out all they wanted to do was shag them! Once that occurred its downhill from there.
Re: good dating/ bad marriage
i also think when ur dating..at the end of the day u will be sleeping in ur own bed in ur house and he she will be in their own house...so u have some away time..but in a marriage ur suddenly in a very intense atmosphere
Re: good dating/ bad marriage
Personally, I think some love marriages fail because you think you know the person and arent mentally prepared to accept surprises. No matter how much you know the person, you never really know them until you live with them FOR A WHILE and mentally prepare yourself for some ups and downs. IMHO, lots of love marriages work out very well also Mashallah.
Re: good dating/ bad marriage
Dating for 3 years would be alot.
but broken marriage can be alot of other reasons too.
i also think when ur dating..at the end of the day u will be sleeping in ur own bed in ur house and he she will be in their own house...so u have some away time..but in a marriage ur suddenly in a very intense atmosphere
tell me about it!
I hate SHARING my room!
Re: good dating/ bad marriage
if i strt n answer to this i thnk mst of gs wil end up planin a sucesful murder lol so i l jst sit bk on this 1.
Btw wher hav the teachings of islam gone n what as muslims believe who hav been existin frm the creation of Adam as say bout havin b/f n g/f, n wot hapens if we lose touch wit ur own religion? Islam is wht am talkin bout :@:
Re: good dating/ bad marriage
people build up expectations and then are disappointed when the partner stops "trying" after marriage.
like...he's going to be careful when he visits your home and goes to your bathroom.
you marry him. don't expect your bathroom to be amazingly clean after he used it.
Well, that's just an example.
tell me about it!
I hate SHARING my room!
Yeah its like having a roommate. That's how you have to think of it as. If you've never had an experience with roommates and you lived alone or with your parents the whole time, things might be difficult.
You have to really set boundaries and talk about living scenarios when you're contemplating marriage. Like, feel free to discuss who is taking out the trash, who is cooking and when, who cleans the bathroom and when, whether you want the TV on or not when you're working, do you WANT a tv in your home to begin with, what is your role with your children, who picks up the kids after school and drops them off to soccer, what you forsee your life for your kids, does your daughter have to wear a hijab?
I mean like really try to pan out your life and see what decisions you'll have to make in the future, and you'd be surprised at how much you'll be disagreeing on...and your spouse will make it evident at how flexible they are.
Re: good dating/ bad marriage
Two things:
A good girlfriend or boyfriend does not necessarily make a good spouse. The expectations people have from relationships are different. You go on a date, have dinner, maybe a movie, talk a little bit and then go home...separately. Your problems dont bleed into each others' lives and there is a certain aspect of your partner you never really know...sometimes that aspect makes all the difference. You're not dealing with joint assets, bills, families, etc. Some people are just really good friends while some are in love and then you'll find those couples where only one person is in love and deluding themselves. There is too much uncertainty in a relationship and that can be both good and bad depending upon the people involved. For a guy or girl who doesnt want marriage right now, it works really well. You may have great conversation, but will that make you good partners? I dont know, I dont think so.
The second thing, understanding. This is a small word for a huge concept. Understanding does not only mean spelling things out before you get married, it also means letting little things go after you get married. You could date for ten years but unless you live together and share every aspect of your life from what brand of toothpaste you prefer to how you like your eggs...you dont know each other completely. Understanding doesnt really come into play until after you've signed the dotted line. What constitutes knowing each other? Their profession? Assets? Family background? I dont think so. I think it means knowing if your partner is a morning person or not, what side of the bed they like to sleep on, if they need to have the last word in an argument, if you can handle that, how they deal with stress or anger, how they communicate with you in those situations, etc.
Thats what knowing/understanding a person really is and you wont get that until you're married. People should mentally prepare themselves for surprises.
Re: good dating/ bad marriage
^ well said :k:
You don’t know someone until you start living with them.
if i strt n answer to this i thnk mst of gs wil end up planin a sucesful murder lol so i l jst sit bk on this 1.
Btw wher hav the teachings of islam gone n what as muslims believe who hav been existin frm the creation of Adam as say bout havin b/f n g/f, n wot hapens if we lose touch wit ur own religion? Islam is wht am talkin bout :@:
lol why am i nawt suprised with ure answer :@:
Re: good dating/ bad marriage
i justttttttt came home an hour back frm my bestfrnds place i have talked abt her so much on GS its not even funny!
she dated her hubby fr 8yrs he was completely fine just had some few anger issues all along but nothing major at all..nw after marriage he completely changed n hit her so bad she wld have bruises everywhere,his familyy was her khalas family who had willingly loved n accepted her even they turned a blind eye n refused to save her cuz tht wld mean to accept their son had a problem! to top all of tht he had a sex addiction whch at first the gurl just thought while dating was normal since they loved each other so much but after marriage his habbit of watching porn n making her watch too n wanting her to try stuff whch basically was painful n harm in islam was everyday story wen she begged him not too she only further got beatings..after 2yrs of their marriage they hav a one yr old daughter.they are now seprated cuz she cldnt take it anymore,both side parents are trying to work out something but he is so angry fr leaving him and going hes lieing abt her n ruining her reputation in the family.things like she has n affair n all while the whole family is witness tht she in 2yrs dint even go out of the house fr her own shopping her MIL shopped fr all the bahus the essential stuff.I being her close frnd met him so many times before marriage n NEVER VER xpected him to fall this low.My frnd is going to continues theraphy as she is so scared of his thought she trembles all the time whiletalking n has constant breakdowns.
to think that someone u loved and had a strong relationship wid for 8yrs of ur life,wid whom u had dreamt seeing "the happily ever after" disappointed u so bad tht he shook up the core person who u were n made u weak,scared,beaten up girl.Bichari is trying to hang onto her parents fr support but they keep thinking hw much cn dey do fr her sumtimes her mom cries n says tang aakar this is ur naseeb u hv to go handle it! Any day now her in laws n her mad husband can create a new drama its so messy im scared she dosnt end up doing sumthing harmful to herself...to think some one u loved fr 8yrs cld make u so miserable?!!