Do desis ever have them and would it be wrong to?
We’ve had a few people ask if they can be godparents to our future kids (not even thinking about getting pregnant, just wondering)..
Re: Godmothers and godfathers..
Why would it be wrong?
From my understanding of it, godparents are thsoe whom you choose to take care of your child in the case of your death. So if both parents die...the godparents will take custody of the child and raise them. Given that its about securing your child's future, I don't see how it' can possibly be wrong....It's not a pleasant or easy thing to think about but its a part of life..
Re: Godmothers and godfathers..
Why would it be wrong?
From my understanding of it, godparents are thsoe whom you choose to take care of your child in the case of your death. So if both parents die...the godparents will take custody of the child and raise them. Given that its about securing your child's future, I don't see how it' can possibly be wrong....It's not a pleasant or easy thing to think about but its a part of life..
I was just wondering cos I don't think I've ever come across it and I wasn't sure if there are Islamic guidelines when it comes to this sort of thing, esp as rules for adoption and even who should get custody of the children in the event of divorce are already laid out and quite strict.. I guess I was thinking maybe the grandparents or an auntie or uncle might have to be next in line if the parents died/something happened..
Re: Godmothers and godfathers..
That's true, I have never heard of any Islamic ruling regarding this...but given our family structure, I'm positive that the child/children would most likely go to a sibling...but unless there are clear guidelines or something set out before the death, it can get very complicated and even heartbreaking...
Re: Godmothers and godfathers..
it is same as we have Nikkah-e-Maah baap in our desi weddings :D
Re: Godmothers and godfathers..
Probably the word 'God 'attached in this term gives a negative vibe to Muslims :)
Re: Godmothers and godfathers..
my husband and i picked one of his best buddy to be our son's godparent (since at the time he wasn't married...we called him godfather.) i don’t c anything wrong with it. I mean what's wrong with some one u trust taking care of ur babies (children) if u pass away.
When we named him the godparent, he didn't know what that entitles, so we told him everything. He is now married and we are totally happy with our decision.
Re: Godmothers and godfathers..
We have named my sister as Godmother and Mr CO's best friend as Godfather (cue jokes)...both are very happy to take the responsibilty in case anything to us..Allah na kare.
Apart from my parents,we don't have any other proper family here who could take over...so we volunteered these two..:)
Re: Godmothers and godfathers..
Taken from Wiki…
A godparent, in many denominations of Christianity, is someone who sponsors a child’s baptism. Traditionally, godparents were informally responsible for ensuring the child’s religious education was carried out, and for caring for the child should he/she be orphaned. Today, the word godparent might not have explicitly religious overtones. The modern view of a godparent tends to be an individual chosen by the parents to take an interest in the child’s upbringing and personal development.
My husband and I recently went to an attorney friend of mine and drew up our individual wills, making sure to explicitely name who should recieve guardianship of the kids, in case something (Allah na karray!) should happen to the both of us. It felt very creepy at the time, but I am now assured that my kids will be raised by someone I trust.
Re: Godmothers and godfathers..
I've never heard of the term "godfather" or "godmother" used among desis. BUT....I do know several desi couples who have wills/trusts where it states who they'd like to raise their children incase they become incapacitated or die. I don't think it matters how you "refer" to that person (ie. the couples I know don't refer to the person they choose as the "godfather" or "godmother"). But the concept is similar. At the end....it's about having a "plan" for your child if something were to happen to both the parents.
When in the future I have kids...I plan on doing the same. But I don't think I'd ever actually refer to the person as the "godparent". Personally, I don't feel the need to announce to the world who we, as a couple, have chosen for our child. The only people who would be aware of our "choice" would be us, the couple we choose, and of course...the lawyer. Actually, knowing many desis....this "public declaration" has the potential to cause quite a bit of drama among many families.
Deeba: I'm curious...the people who actually asked you whether or not they could be the godparents....are they desi Muslims?
Re: Godmothers and godfathers..
Probably the word 'God 'attached in this term gives a negative vibe to Muslims :)
Perhaps they should do a bit of research (Googling really isn't that difficult) before dismissing the concept altogether as something negative.
It's kind of like the jokers who say "THERE IS NO ADOPTION IN ISLAM" when it's really all about semantics....while the values and concept are the same.
Re: Godmothers and godfathers..
I've never heard of the term "godfather" or "godmother" used among desis. BUT....I do know several desi couples who have wills/trusts where it states who they'd like to raise their children incase they become incapacitated or die. I don't think it matters how you "refer" to that person (ie. the couples I know don't refer to the person they choose as the "godfather" or "godmother"). But the concept is similar. At the end....it's about having a "plan" for your child if something were to happen to both the parents.
When in the future I have kids...I plan on doing the same. But I don't think I'd ever actually refer to the person as the "godparent". Personally, I don't feel the need to announce to the world who we, as a couple, have chosen for our child. The only people who would be aware of our "choice" would be us, the couple we choose, and of course...the lawyer. Actually, knowing many desis....this "public declaration" has the potential to cause quite a bit of drama among many families.
Deeba: I'm curious...the people who actually asked you whether or not they could be the godparents....are they desi Muslims?
No, neither.. so things get more complicated :(
Re: Godmothers and godfathers..
i guess thus far i assumed if something should happen to us they would go to shared custody between either set of parents but thinking about it more makes me realise that would be an impossible situation. for those who have chosen godparents, are you afraid it might cause a schism in your family if they are not immediate family members you have chosen?
Re: Godmothers and godfathers..
No, neither.. so things get more complicated :(
Oh yikes! What is your relationship with them? Very close friends? Since you're not even pregnant....I'd just tell them that it's way too early to decide that. Let them know once you do become pregnant, the issue can be discussed them. Of course, if you're THAT close to these people...then I'd just tell them flat out (but politely) that since they're not Muslim....it would not be possible since you'd want your children to be raised in a Muslim household.
Re: Godmothers and godfathers..
i guess thus far i assumed if something should happen to us they would go to shared custody between either set of parents but thinking about it more makes me realise that would be an impossible situation. for those who have chosen godparents, are you afraid it might cause a schism in your family if they are not immediate family members you have chosen?
I'm not a parent...BUT my 2 cents in this matter come purely from a legal perspective b/c I've seen MANY situations involving children where legal disputes get ugly.
Do NOT assume ANYTHING when it comes to your children. God forbid something happend to both you and your husband....after that...when it comes to deciding who will raise the child...emotions will rule. In-laws who have been best friends can become enemies and entangle themselves in a nasty court battle with the child stuck in the middle (trust me, I have seen this happen in real life quite a few times). Think about it....the child needs to live in ONE house right? Well....who will decide which grandparents house is the "best" place to for the child? Or who will decide which siblings house is the best? What if the grandparents live in different cities? Or states? Anyway....the point is that is really is best for the child if you and your husband choose a guardian for him/her in case something happens to both of you.
Honestly, personally I would not choose my parents OR my husband's parents as guardians for my future children. Why? Because due to their age, there's a high risk that they'll experience health problems. Also, due to the MAJOR age gap......I don't want it to be a situation where my child grows up in a house with "old people" who don't "get" what he/she is going through. And as you already wrote...I also would never want my parents to feel "left out" if we chose his parents...or vice cersa. I would not choose my own siblings...or his siblings for this very reason. Because once we're gone....I feel that my own family AND his family....will not be able to treat the situation in a rational manner...and put aside their own personal feelings.
And b/c of this...I would choose a VERY close friend of mine. Someone who's not related to the family by blood or marriage....but still someone who I would trust with my own life (and my child's). In addition....when drafting the will....I would NOT reveal to my family what I'm putting in that will. Because quite simply...its really none of their business. Its upto my husband and I to decide what is best for our child. There's no need for me to share that decision with anyone else b/c it will do nothing but cause drama. I would ask the particular couple I have chosen if they're ok with my choice. If they agree...then that's it. Just them, us, and the lawyer knows. No reason to reveal the contents of that will/trust to ANYONE unless both of us die (or become incapacitated).
Re: Godmothers and godfathers..
^ except once you're gone and the will is revealed, it could and most likely would, end in hard feelings, resentment and possibly even a legal battle to get the children placed with family as opposed to friends. in a way that makes it everyone's business, not just yours, the lawyers and the godparents.
this is a very tough decision.
Re: Godmothers and godfathers..
Just to add some of what Paheli said - a godparent is a social announcement and really doesn't have much precedent in a legal context - in the absence of any other formal appointment of what the parents wanted, the courts would look at the who were the godparents, but other family members could easily contest that appointment and then it would become a custody battle.
I've said to my friends and I'll put it out for the folks on GS - to ALL parents, the FIRST thing you should do when you have children, and for those who have not already: prepare your will and appoint a LEGAL GUARDIAN for your child(ren) through your lawyer. It's not that this document is not irrevocable (it could be, but would be more difficult to challenge), but this is the best way to have your wishes for your child's care and upbringing honoured.
My sister and her husband have appointed separate executors to their will and a separate guardian for their children. They discussed the appointment with each of us and the rest of the family so that everyone knows what their intentions are and the lot of us are in agreement with the responsibilities we will be taking on.
Re: Godmothers and godfathers..
^ except once you're gone and the will is revealed, it could and most likely would, end in hard feelings, resentment and possibly even a legal battle to get the children placed with family as opposed to friends. in a way that makes it everyone's business, not just yours, the lawyers and the godparents.
Firstly, once you're gone...and a will is revealed that states who you chose as your children's guardian....then people's "feelings" become irrelevant. Now of course, different states have different laws so you should definately consult a reputable lawyer in your location....BUT...at least in my area....the ONLY reason the "parents chosen couple" would not gain custody is if the court deems then unfit to become parents of the child.
You and your husband are dead and custody immediately goes to your "chosen couple". Of course, ANYONE can sue and try to get that custody. However, anyone who wants to dispute your choice has to prove to the court that the parents you chose are incapable of providing a safe home for that child (physically and/or emotionally). So while they're going through the court battle...the child will be living with your chosen couple and will continue with their life....UNLESS the other parties can prove that the child is in immediate danger. BUT if no one has immediate custody...and no one can come to an agreement as to who the child should live with immediately....then guess where the child goes to while the lawsuit is pending.....Foster care (not always but the possiblity of this is really high if NO ONE can agree on who the child should live with).
In a group of Indians...there needs to be a chief in order to maintain order. Without a designated guardian for the child....EVERYONE becomes the "chief". Considering BOTH sides of the family had a loved one die (ie. you and your huband)....emotions will run high b/c BOTH sides will see the child as a "connection" their own child. Hence.....any rational thoughts immediately following these types of tragedy generally goes out the window. In a perfect world, everyone should stop and think about the child and what he/she is going through. Unfortunately, in MANY cases...people get so wrapped up in their own grief and desperation to hold onto their own loss (ie. the 2 people that died)....that the lose sight of the child.
Of course no parent would choose a guardianship for their child if they thought that those people would not make proper parents. ANYONE make sue to try to get guardianship. But when a guardian is chosen by the deceased parents....in order for them to lose custody.....the court would require actual proof that the child will be in danger by living with them. And yes, in that situaion...people "feelings" will become irrelevant. And again....while everyone is busy suing each other....the child has a designated home to settle into (hopefully with people they already know and are comfortable with).
And also....look at the flip side. You share your will will your families...and it causes drama. Well....if BOTH you and your husband don't die before the kids turn 18....then the guardianship never becomes an issue. BUT....that will not take away the anger/resentment etc. that have already taken place as a result of will being revealed.
As I said already…I’m not a parent. But being a legal professional, every single day I deal with situations where families tear each other apart simply b/c they’re thinking with their heart instead of their brain. I completely agree that for families…these types of situations are difficult. However….from experience….I also know many of these horror stories can be prevented if the parents themselves use their brains instead of their hearts when it comes to making decisions regarding their children.
The “bad” thing isn’t the court battle b/c ANYONE can sue for ANYTHING the want. The issue is where will the child live while the court battle is going on. And of course…..while working with the lawyer….discuss with them about the possibility of your choice being challenged in court. And ask them the laws in your state regarding that.
Re: Godmothers and godfathers..
prepare your will and appoint a LEGAL GUARDIAN for your child(ren) through your lawyer. It's not that this document is not irrevocable (it could be, but would be more difficult to challenge), but this is the best way to have your wishes for your child's care and upbringing honoured.
Very well put! Courts aren't really concerned with whether or not others "like" who was chosen. From their point of view....they have a legal document signed by the mother and father of a child where they state who they would chose to raise their children. Now in order for them to NOT honor to wishes of the parents....the suing party better have some legally valid reasons...not just their "feelings".
Let me also add that litigation can also be costly. Lawyers will continue suing as long the client wants to continue....it's billable hours for them so they get paid either way. But "suing" doesn't always equal to "winning". :)
Re: Godmothers and godfathers..
OR it could make for a premise to a romcom :@: Life as We Know It (film) - Wikipedia