Re: Giving people their space
Thanks for the advice everyone. This person is a really good and close friend of mine and this is why it's bothering me a lot. I truly just want them to be happy. And I was not sure if this person wanted me to inquire or give space but now that I ve been told to give space, I will do it.
Re: Giving people their space
Ok but if 2 peoples are in a relationship one ask other to give her/him some space and say " hey can you please give me some space i think i really need some and i will let you know when we can get to gether again" and then you NEVER hear anything from that person? what does that means? Like they dont want you to come back??
^yes and I just apologized for it and now giving the person the space. But, it does hurt a bit when your close friend doesnt share things. What you have said works very well with aquaintances and I can do it with them but with close friends, it is very hard to do esp when I constantly feel like I may come across as 'insensitive' if I just leave them alone.
I understand she's your friend, but that doesn't mean that she's obligated to share every detail of her personal life with you. It's possible that she's not ready to share the information yet. Or perhaps her family has requested that she not share with others. No, it doesn't only work with acquaintances. That's an assumption on your part. All relationships whether it's with an acquaintance, sibling, parent, coworker, neighbor, or friend have boundaries. And when you overstep the boundaries, you risk offending the person and possibly hurting the relationship.
**Take your mom, for example. If there's any person in your life that loves you unconditionally, it's her. But in spite of that....what happens when you keep bugging her? And especially after your mom has clearly told you to quit it or knock it off???? She's going to get irritated and lose her cool because you're not respecting her boundaries. So, if one the most closest people in your life (parent, sibling) can get irritated.....what makes you think that a friend would tolerate you continuously pestering him/her??????
You have "repeatedly" asked your friend what is wrong. Believe me, you've given him/her the idea that you care. **
I think if the person wants space then they should also not make the issue available to the world that they are having a problem right?..like through msn nicks or fb statuses and such..so if its up there, i inquired...
**Okay, so they shared the issue on the internet. I've seen people share a problem on the internet...but when others inquire....they say "Oh, I'm not ready to talk much about it yet". This could mean that they're not ready to have a serious/emotional discussion about the issue with another person at the moment. In other words they may not be ready to analyze the issue with another person yet. Many times, people just want you to listen as opposed to giving suggestions.
And showing concern for a friend can be done through OTHER ways besides asking them repeatedly to share issues. You can show concern by doing gestures that help take their mind off the stress: use of humor, an invitation to hang out/watch a movie, etc. **
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What if it is your best friend who does this to you? You ask them what's going on and they keep saying that. You are emotionally attached to them, it hurts that they are pushing you away like that. Best friends are supposed to share things! That also when you are so tight like sisters.
I have been on the other side of that situation. I have been the person who needed space but couldn't get any. If the person is going through something and they ask for space or are not willing to share, the best strategy is to just leave it upto them. Because if they don't want to talk about it, for their own reasons, and you keep asking about it, it will only hurt you more.
I wish this situation was handled better back then. Lost a friend over it (and some other stuff).
Re: Giving people their space
lol, oh wow - people actually end their friendships over 'space' issue?...I think it is definitely something that can be dealt with and people can talk about it and come to a mutual compromise. It's about openly communicating with them. If someone needs space, they should be straight forward about it ESPECIALLY if they know it is going to cost a good friendship. And vice versa. friendship is a lot more important than space. Your problem will be over in a few days/months but if a friendship is over, it can never really be moulded back together. it can be v simple if two friends want it to be simple. Some of these things can be difficult to understand. I am really not some super emotionally developed person nor are many other people - so if it comes down to being really close friends, being honest and just 'asking' for it really helps rather than assuming your friend to be some sort of a psychic and fully understand you a 100%.
Re: Giving people their space
Yeh Hula Queen you don’t know? People you know so well from years or something also sometimes break friendships because of this. I think what the problem is that there is a lack of communication. If the other friend won’t say anything or even that they need space then how will you know? If you knew the friend and thought you knew them well and suddenly they stop talking to you or something or seem like they have a behavioural change wouldn’t you get worried and actually try to ask them what is going on? I think it is them who need to chill because they are the ones with issues and they are the ones who need space. There is seriously no need to get angry or be judgemental and say things like ending friendship or some other things.
We need more people like you and me in the world. Seriously 
Re: Giving people their space
^I agree with you. This issue is not so big to lose a good friendship over. Quite frankly, these days, you should be grateful if someone actually cares about you from the bottom of their heart because people are very busy in their own lives. Secondly, everyone has problems, everyone goes through worst times..and I know that most regret comes from the fact that you were not patient with people around you who cared.
I have been on the other side of that situation. I have been the person who needed space but couldn't get any. If the person is going through something and they ask for space or are not willing to share, the best strategy is to just leave it upto them. Because if they don't want to talk about it, for their own reasons, and you keep asking about it, it will only hurt you more.
I wish this situation was handled better back then. Lost a friend over it (and some other stuff).
That is what we can do. Wish we would have handled things better. Now you experienced this and have been through this so hopefully next time if a situation like this comes to face you, you will face it better.
I agree with Hula, friendships and that also with people you like and care about are more important than space. Don't be so selfish. Don't suddenly block people out of your life when they were there many steps of the way.
I am the kind of person who does leave a person alone if they tell me that they need space. However remember a person can say that fine i'll leave you alone and you can contact me whenever you feel better but still you do miss them.
A friend told me this once. If no one in this world went up to the people who were down, who were feeling bad and depressed then there won't be any cheerful people left in the world. Everyone would be down and depressed. No one would feel loved. You might think you need space but essentially deep down what you need is to feel loved. To feel that you belong. That feeling is given to you by your friends. Your friends are the ones that cheer you up and care about you, worry about you when something happens to you etc.
Excuse me for being a good friend and doing a good job and just trying to bring a smile on someone's face.
^I agree with you. This issue is not so big to lose a good friendship over. Quite frankly, these days, you should be grateful if someone actually cares about you from the bottom of their heart because people are very busy in their own lives. Secondly, everyone has problems, everyone goes through worst times..and I know that most regret comes from the fact that you were not patient with people around you who cared.
The issue becomes as big as you want it to become. If you will think too much over it and make your mind before hand that your personal space is more important to you than your friends then why make friends in the first place? Why bring people in your life only to block them out later? Just alienate everyone and be a shrew.
Sometimes people forget that since we are human beings, there is such a thing as emotional attachment. Sometimes the people you are close to, you do get emotionally attached to them. I think sometimes people mistake this for being possessive. This is when the whole speech of "I need space" comes in.
No matter how annoying some of my friends are or how possessive some are, even to the extent that sometimes I feel claustrophobic, I never gave them ultimatums that I am going to kick you out of my life. I don't have a right to do that. I don't have a right to cause hurt to someone. I don't have a right to make them sad and depressed. No matter what, when friendships break, people are affected by that. I can't see that happening to someone because you know why? I can't see that happening to me. The way you are with people is the way people are with you, just remember that for life.
The issue becomes as big as you want it to become. If you will think too much over it and make your mind before hand that your personal space is more important to you than your friends then why make friends in the first place? Why bring people in your life only to block them out later? Just alienate everyone and be a shrew.
Sometimes people forget that since we are human beings, there is such a thing as emotional attachment. Sometimes the people you are close to, you do get emotionally attached to them. I think sometimes people mistake this for being possessive. This is when the whole speech of "I need space" comes in. .
I agree. don't make friends if you can't do justice to them and be fair. Friendship is 100% sincerity, commitent and a responsibility. If you don't have a strong enough will for it, then stay away from people in your OWN SPACE.
That is what we can do. Wish we would have handled things better. Now you experienced this and have been through this so hopefully next time if a situation like this comes to face you, you will face it better.
I agree with Hula, friendships and that also with people you like and care about are more important than space. Don't be so selfish. Don't suddenly block people out of your life when they were there many steps of the way.
I am the kind of person who does leave a person alone if they tell me that they need space. However remember a person can say that fine i'll leave you alone and you can contact me whenever you feel better but still you do miss them.
A friend told me this once. If no one in this world went up to the people who were down, who were feeling bad and depressed then there won't be any cheerful people left in the world. Everyone would be down and depressed. No one would feel loved. You might think you need space but essentially deep down what you need is to feel loved. To feel that you belong. That feeling is given to you by your friends. Your friends are the ones that cheer you up and care about you, worry about you when something happens to you etc.
Excuse me for being a good friend and doing a good job and just trying to bring a smile on someone's face.
It is never one thing that results in a friendship ending.
For me it was this person's disregard for my space and lack of respect for my emotions and decisions that drove me up the wall. And also their lack of willingness to TALK like two adults during times of conflicts, as opposed to hurling insults.
I have learned a lot from this friendship ending; that I should have done something about this person a LOT sooner.
This one certainly wasn't a bad person, just didn't know how to let others be.
I am clearly not over this. It doesn't matter how much I try to see this situation from their point of view, I am still confused about why they acted the way they did. Even though, I know what made this person the way they were.
Thankfully, I don't hate them anymore.
Re: Giving people their space
^friendships never end one way; it is always a mutual thing. A lot of times your close friends invade your space when you have LET THEM come into your space in the first place. Did you place these boundaries when you first became friends with them? Usually, people involve others in their life, get them to come close and share, and then when they can't handle it, push them away. If this is not what you had done, then you can be upset with this person.
Secondly, sometimes people just don't know how to act in certain situations. A lot of times when their friend gets upset, they become confused and upset and can't see any other way than to try to come close and be there. They want to respect your emotions but they don't know where to draw the line. When you push them away, they get hurt and react. Sometimes, you will have to look BEYOND their action and feel where they are coming from. Try to see if what they are doing is out of love and care rather than to insult you and take over your space.
For example, sometimes we hate it when our parents try to interfere in our lives. Lets say..you are going out and you don't want your mom to know and when she inquires you, you feel upset. But...behind her inquire is care and utmost love. She has no bad intentions nor does she want to upset you.
Re: Giving people their space
My point is if your friend is sincere from his/heart, then try n overlook some of these communication, space issues and let them be a part of your life. All they want is to be your friend. Have patience with people and if they realize their mistake, then give them benefit of the doubt and forgive them. They don't deserve your hate. And a lot of people learn overtime - a friendship takes years to develop. If you are going to get rid of someone, then they don't get that opportunity to learn what you like and dislike.
Re: Giving people their space
Sometimes it's difficult to talk out problems. When I have a friend who is stuck in a situation and they do not want to immediately talk about the issue, I'll text them or IM them instead. They sometimes prefer that because if it's something emotional, they don't want to cry in front of someone.
Your friend could be asking for some space because she thinks you're prying, being too nosy.
If you feel the need to help, then just tell your friend that you'll give them some space but if they need to talk, they can get a hold of you anytime. She'll remember something like that and approach you herself when she wants to.
Re: Giving people their space
^umm well, the thing is that this person is very close to me - we talk almost daily. And then all of a sudden, there comes some problem that he/she does not want to share and almost does this weird silent treatment/slight frustrated tone with me - I would react. When I am pushed away, then yes, I am offended. I have worked so hard to create this open communication network with you - atleast realize that I am not doing this to add to your misery. Atleast, you can trust a friend that much to not doubt their sincerity and care. I refuse to buy this "space" arguement here.
And very honestly, if people break their friendships over THIS - SPACE! then they have not come across truly horrible people in their lives.
^umm well, the thing is that this person is very close to me - we talk almost daily. And then all of a sudden, there comes some problem that he/she does not want to share and almost does this weird silent treatment/slight frustrated tone with me - I would react. When I am pushed away, then yes, I am offended. I have worked so hard to create this open communication network with you - atleast realize that I am not doing this to add to your misery. Atleast, you can trust a friend that much to not doubt their sincerity and care. I refuse to buy this "space" arguement here.
And very honestly, if people break their friendships over THIS - SPACE! then they have not come across truly horrible people in their lives.
Perhaps it's a problem involving his/her family and they would have to reveal very private details that they do not want you to know about... it could be because they do not want you to judge them because of what is going on in their life. Just extend the offer that you're there for them. If your friend is a guy... I don't know, my male friends usually open up to me but it takes them more time.
Yeh :k:
Re: Giving people their space
By the way those people that are saying that friendship ending is a two way/mutual thing than it is not. Sometimes the other person just cuts ties. They tell you they are going to do it, and sometimes they don't even tell you and they do it. I hate that. At least tell me what I did wrong so next time I make a friend this kind of thing doesn't happen because I really get hurt when best friends become friends or they cut me off. It doesn't happen always but generally I am speaking.
^friendships never end one way; it is always a mutual thing. A lot of times your close friends invade your space when you have LET THEM come into your space in the first place. Did you place these boundaries when you first became friends with them? Usually, people involve others in their life, get them to come close and share, and then when they can't handle it, push them away. If this is not what you had done, then you can be upset with this person.
Secondly, sometimes people just don't know how to act in certain situations. A lot of times when their friend gets upset, they become confused and upset and can't see any other way than to try to come close and be there. They want to respect your emotions but they don't know where to draw the line. When you push them away, they get hurt and react. Sometimes, you will have to look BEYOND their action and feel where they are coming from. Try to see if what they are doing is out of love and care rather than to insult you and take over your space.
For example, sometimes we hate it when our parents try to interfere in our lives. Lets say..you are going out and you don't want your mom to know and when she inquires you, you feel upset. But...behind her inquire is care and utmost love. She has no bad intentions nor does she want to upset you.
I really hope your post wasn't directed at my issue, specifically and that you are just talking about these issues in general.
As far as space is concerned, mine was an existential issue that began during the course of the friendship. It was BIG and the person couldn't understand it. Their "solution" for me was to snap out of it - which I find beyond disrespectful. This was only one of the issues. Another very close friend was able to judge the situation and keep their distance and tried to tell this person about it too. The second friend cared enough to see what I needed at a time of huge crises in my life, not what** they **needed to do to feel better :). And THAT is what care is, otherwise it is called being selfish.
It would be selfish of a friend to expect anything from a friend when they are going through hell, and then throw things in their face when they are recovering. Not worth it. SO not worth it. Oh, and did I mention not being willing to talk about the stuff without sarcasm and insults?
It was indeed a cumulative effort of a couple of years.
Ah, I don't know when I am going to get over this!
Re: Giving people their space
My apologies that your situation got pulled into the topic. Sorry for reminding you of something that is definitely hurtful for you. I did not mean that. I was sort of speaking just from my situation and perspective.
All I am trying to say that sometimes in tough situations, people really don't know what to do. They are not selfish and trying to make themselves feel better. Sometimes, their 'love' keeps pushing them to do something. For example, I had someone very close suffering from severe depression (almost suicidal) and I absolutely love this person and truly, my heart just went into this PANIC mode and completely bonkers that if i dont do something about it, I will lose this person. Alhumdulillah, this person had recovered very nicely and I am just really happy about that. The fact is that it is NOT AT ALL easy for people to decide whether you should be with someone or leave them alone in times of their crisis. Sometimes, they wish they could just leave you alone with your circumstances but they cant get themselves to do it. They are not selfish. People have different ways of caring and I think to realize that, you need time.