My FIL earns good income. he has his own business but he has alot of debt too(close to 2 corore). During my recent trip i realized my MIL spents good amount on her brothers and sisters. Her Brothers and sisters are well off too. but for unknown reasons she saves money and gives them. if we go to market, she would buy for her niece whatever i purchase as well. this is not few hundreds but in thousands. something that you give everyday is not a gift too.
She does not spent much on her own daughters and they are all in early 20s and ofcourse will be getting married within next few years. MIL instead of buying or making their dowery (she wants to give alot in dowary) she spents on her relatives. she has no considerations of debt that FIL has or how would they afford to marry off their daughters.
now hubby is concerned about his dads debt. I was annoyed that during my stay they didnt even cook good food, sil didnt get what they deserved while mil spents on her relatives. There is nothing hidden about her family as they are relatives and we know them well and ofcourse they dont need help.
I dont see anything wrong with hubby helping but if mil stops spending or giving away they can do far better and of course their debt will be decreased. ofcourse we have mortgage too and have to save to help them. MIL sees as money grow on trees and one dont need to work hard to get it.
she even told me to stay in pak and i can ask my husband for 5000rupees in the morning and 5000rupees in the evening!
I noted that MIL doesnt like her brothers and sisters to open their wallet but FIL works very hard, they have 3 daughters who are old enough to be married. doesnt she needs to think about them.
I am totally stressed as now we are saving every dollar to help FIL. and MIL has no regards as to how we earn or FIL earns.
I wanted to somehow tell MIL to start making dowery for her daughter. saving or even buying gold or whatever she wants to give. but i just couldnt do it.
If you're expected to help pay for the wedding, don't send the money to the in-laws (or at least that portion of it) and save it to give at the time of the actual wedding. In other words, you manage the savings plan.
but wat annoys me is they sort their finances they dont need help and we can contribute to our mortgage. how things are currently it seems we will have to give alot.
FIL he is the main breadwinner in the family in Pakistan. But hubby is to help or give money when needed or on SILs weddings.
Your MIL is not going to stop until FIL puts his footdown, and asks where the money is going. If she doesn't realize the importance of starting a dowry for her daughters or her husband's loans, don't expect her to care about your family. Best thing you can do, is assess the situation, is your husband aware of what is going on? If he is a reasonable guy let him know that perhaps his mom should stop spending on others. IF he is a mama's boy, don't say this, say, "hey maybe someone is stealing from their accounts, maybe you should tell your dad to do an audit of his personal finances, things do happen where like the electric co is double charging you, mistakenly. "Then maybe, your FIL will realize how much is actually going to your MIL, and will stop it.
If you cant do this, then try your best to keep money set aside, for your future. Have savings incase you or spouse, lose a job, or Godforbid someone has medical expenses. In everycase where I have seen someone sending money to a sibling/relative, there is always a situation, where the person giving needs money (for a kid's marriage/school/ or just plain needs cash) and in almost EVERY case, those same family members will not help, even if they can and will just plain stop attending phonecalls.
There are somepeople who only consider their brothers/sisters their responsiblity, and don't realize their kids are their responsiblity as well. These people NEVER change, and will always think of their siblings first. Your MIL is one of these people.
since our visit hubby just obeys his mum. but i have tried to talk to him. he doesnt want to do anything that would hurt his mum or makes her upset.
in pakistan there is no concept of banks all cash income and cash expenses. FIL believes all money that MIL is getting is spending on daughter. but she is not.
ofcourse FIL needs to question MIL too but she gets very emotional about everything so i never see him question about spending that money.
when i went i pak, i got mil to buy everything in kitchen. they basically had nothing to serve visitors or any guest. no dishes at all. what she said to me was that they needed to do shopping for kitchen but she didnt as didnt wanted to burden FIL.
Is it possible that your mother-in-law is not aware of your father-in-law's financial situation? If he handles the family's finances himself and has always done so and your mother-in-law has never been involved in the process (as in: he's never discussed the family's finances with her), it's possible she is completely oblivious to his debt and doesn't know how hard he works to run the family business.
Is it possible your mother-in-law is not aware of your father-in-law's financial situation? If he handles the family's finances himself and has always done so and your mother-in-law has never been involved in the process (as in: he's never discussed the family's finances with her), it's possible she is completely oblivious to his debt and how hard he works to run the family business.
how she is not. I am. My parents are. All extended family knows about debt. doesnt she see FIL when he comes home all tired. he can not even rest as he received calls even at night. i was there. seen it.
regardless when you have your own kids to provide to why would you spend on your sibblings or their kids even if they dont need to.
how she is not. I am. My parents are. All extended family knows about debt. doesnt she see FIL when he comes home all tired. he can not even rest as he received calls even at night. i was there. seen it.
regardless when you have your own kids to provide to why would you spend on your sibblings or their kids even if they dont need to*.*
I hate to say this, but some people are rather absent minded and cannot read between the lines and must have things spelled out for them. She may know that there is a debt but does she know EXACTLY how much that debt is? By "debt," she may be assuming its a smaller, more reasonable amount and not be aware that it's $200,000. Do you know if your father-in-law has ever spoken to her specifically about this?
The reason I bring up this possibility is that an acquaintance of ours had a similar situation. The husband owned a successful business and despite doing well, had incurred quite a few expenses establishing and running the business and his wife was accustomed to lavish spending. The wife only curbed her extravagant spending when he told her just how much money went into running the business and how much his actual debt was. It seems that knowing the actual amount and seeing the financial details of it made her realise just serious the matter was and curb her spending a bit.
Tread carefully, don't talk to your MIL about this, she will create a scene where everyone will blame you for upsetting her. And then she will get more cash to compensate. If your close to your SIL speak to them about this situation.
I suggest when you do give cash, give it straight to the FIL, and then for the wedding, if you can directly pay the bills for it then do it. I know, most definately if your sending cash, MIL is giving it to her siblings.
To reduce the amount your hubby will send, I suggest, opening an account like a 529 plan (to save for college, or a 401k plan) a 401k will get pulled directly out of his paycheck and there is a penalty for taking the money out before your 59. Just try to have some savings for your family. Speak to him as well, and ask if you can set a limit into how much you will send to the inlaws. 200k is alot of money. There is going to come a point (God forbid), where if your husband sends to much, you guys might be in debt as well, and then who is going to help you? Mention this to him.
I hate to say this, but some people are rather absent minded and cannot read between the lines and must have things spelled out for them. She may know that there is a debt but does she know EXACTLY how much that debt is? By "debt," she may be assuming its a smaller, more reasonable amount and not be aware that it's $200,000. Do you know if your father-in-law has ever spoken to her specifically about this?
The reason I bring up this possibility is that an acquaintance of ours had a similar situation. The husband owned a successful business and despite doing well, had incurred quite a few expenses establishing and running the business and his wife was accustomed to lavish spending. The wife only curbed her extravagant spending when he told her just how much money went into running the business and how much his actual debt was. It seems that knowing the actual amount and seeing the financial details of it made her realise just serious the matter was and curb her spending a bit.
After I came back, there was meeting held at my Inlaws house by FIL's brothers to discuss his debt. After this meeting I really knew the extend of debt.
Even, if MIL does not know about the debt, shouldnt she just stop giving to her sibblings and rather save that for her own kids or for the sake of her husband.
After I came back, there was meeting held at my Inlaws house by FIL's brothers to discuss his debt. After this meeting I really knew the extend of debt.
Even, if MIL does not know about the debt, shouldnt she just stop giving to her sibblings and rather save that for her own kids or for the sake of her husband.
In your MIL's mind, her siblings are her first priority, and she probably thinks her husband should be responsible for the kids. She is not going to change until your FIL steps in or your husband says something because they are the ones giving her the cash. Frankly, she wouldnt care about the debt. You just try to save what you can.
Your MIL is trying to make you think its not her fault by showing you she didnt have any kitchen appliances/dinnerware. Don't fall for it.
If your FIL knows this and he is not doing anything then unfortunately there is VERY little that you will be able to do. On your part, if your hubby is expected to pay for sister's wedding, you can take control of that money and use it when the time comes.
And who said women are the most oppressed creatures.
Why wud he give so much cash to her in the first place. Reminds me of hide your incme from spouse thread.
