Into what I am doing wrong.
Here is a brief intro of me and my wife.
I am the youngest of my family, very loved and doted upon. Although I have a few skills, I never completed my education or acquired skills to hold a steady job. I am extremely good looking 
alhamdolillah. Very close to my family. Although I was loved very much by my family and friends, I am a decent person. No real bad habits to speak of, a bit temperamental, but then who isnāt. I havenāt done any moral crimes in my past single life and have had a shareefana living. Also I am pretty good at domestic things like cooking and cleaning and have successfully lived on my own.
My wife, although not the youngest, is probably one of the most responsible members of her family. Highly educated and had a good career. She was a pillar in her family and has skills which landed her a very good job, even though it was in a different state, away from her family. She made good money and has a lot of investments that bring in decent income per month enough for us to live together and save. My wife is also close to her family and supported her family and siblings most of her life.
We, my wife and I, knew each other before the wedding and were madly in love with each other at a point in time. Later we had a few major differences and things almost broke off. There were a few things which made us kind of suspicious about the whole arrangement and we were not sure if the other side was serious. Thankfully though our in-laws along with my wife came to Pakistan and cleared everything. They even admitted that our suspicions were justified because they had not cleared the issues. We got engaged and our engagement was a very happy occasion for all of us. All misunderstanding were cleared.
We had our wedding in America, in the state where my in-laws lived. My parents and my siblings went to USA for the wedding, even though none of my close relatives live there or any of my friends could attend the wedding. Although my in-laws have a few relatives in Pakistan, including my brother in law, it was because my in-laws wanted the wedding in America, we decided we will go and live there.
My in-laws were very helpful during our stay in USA and took care of most wedding arrangements for us, including my shadi ka suit and stuff, booking the hotels, arranging for our accommodation. We however paid for everything and I am thankful for everything my in laws did. It was of decent quality and probably a lot better than what we would have had in Pakistan. I was still sad that none of my close relatives or any of my friends could attend.
Our first tiff started probably on the night of our walima. The original reason for my un-happiness started on our wedding night. After the nikah my sister told me of what happened in the bridal room. After the qabool eijabs, my sister joked with my wife about her being a part of our family. And now she will find out what it means to be a khar. My wife laughed at my sister and told her now they will find out what it means to be a Butt. My sister told me later at this offensive exchange and this little thing switched my mood off, although I didnāt mention the reason to my wife and decided it was not the right time to discuss. I was also quite dis-heartened that my family will go back to Pakistan and I will stay back in the US. Considering how close I have always been to my family, this was a real downer on me and nothing after the shadi and the walima lifted my spirits. My agony was written on my face. Although I have been to America a few times on vacations, I had never lived in a foreign country before. No friends, no family. The plan was that we will move to the state where my wife used to work as she had her house there. We had plans for a short honeymoon immediately after the wedding and a proper one later. My wife, got sick immediately after the walima and when she got better and we were both ready to go to the honey moon, she made a decision on her own that since my family be going back to Pakistan shortly, I better spend the time with my family till they are in USA, considering I was not going to meet them for sometime, even though my parents and I made it clear and even insisted that we should go away for 2 days. I am not bothered about the fact that we didnāt go but more because the decision was made solely by herself and I was only informed and not consulted. Funny thing is my parents had plans and did spend half a day at the resort we were supposed to go to.
Anyway, after shadi, we moved into my wifeās house. New city, new atmosphere, completely different atmosphere that I am used to was difficult. Being a family man the house used to katnay ko doRta. Initialy I tried to look for a job, but unfortunately my skills were not good enough so my attempts failed. Not totally though as I was able to get some low paying short assignments. My wife did initially support me during this time and told me that inshallah things will get better. I am a hard worker and with more experience I will eventually find a good job or start a business on my own. I have some inherited money that will be good to start a business.
Since we were in a position where none of us needed to work, there was not a big pressure from my wife for me to find a job, or a real need so I attended a few schools and inshallah in time I will have a steady income.
The initial days were a bit difficult. My wife is older than me and she was busy during the day with house work and the remaining time either reading or with her womanly things. I got little attention and felt ignored. She was good and loving at times, like she has a habit of eating fruit at night and she would force me to eat with her. She is a good cards and chess player (I am not) so she tried to teach me how to play.
However she had a bit of ghussa and at times would show it and we have had fights. I felt as if she was trying to change me into a person that I am not. Even though I was not forced to get a job and bring some money home, I felt that pressure. Very depressing situation for me and I hated living in America, considering I had spent my whole life in Pakistan, a very different and loving culture, something I was used to. I hated being on my own while my wife was busy doing house work.
My parents and family called me regularly, almost every day and I also called them and those were my good moments.
We continued having fights during the first few months and situation deteriorated. My wife is older than me and is a temperamental and bossy person. I have never done anything that she didnāt like but for some reason I always get vibes that she is not happy with me.
Our first big fight occurred when I decided, right after moving that it will be a good idea that I back to Pakistan for a short visit. She opposed it and even got my parents involved in the fight. My mother and father got involved and gave some tips to my wife on how to handle the situation. Although she cooked everyday, she never asked me if I would like to have something special. Now my mother knew about this as I shared everything with my mother and sister. I remember my wife told me at the beginning to tell her if I want anything in particular but I wasnāt comfortable in putting up any demands so I didnāt say anything then. But during this fight where my parents got involved my mother mentioned this. I do give credit that immediately after the fight, she did sit down with me and drafted a menu of things I like and even though the menu was not followed 100%, I do not have any complaints there.
I did make a few friends in the US who were either brithers or husbands of my wifeās friends. The only āmeā activity I have during the entire week is one game of golf, otherwise I am always available to help my wife if she needs it in any household chores which I want o do to keep myself busy but my wife wont let me, even though she has not said no.
When we moved into the house, it was very girly, even the bedroom was painted pink. Although she did make a few adjustments in the house it is not entirely there, we are still using pink bedcovers.
My wifeās biggest complaint against me, that has been the reason for many fights, is primarily respect. I have never ever spoken to her in a loud voice, except for a few times when we fought and I was provoked by some baseless allegations against me. I love her and have never done anything knowingly that would annoy her. If there is anything that annoys her then probably she should tell me and I am the kind of person who wonāt repeat it but our communication has kind of broken down and every time we talk, she brings in old stuff, that we have already discussed and kind of resolved and blames me, from there onwards the fight just escalates and issues donāt get resolved. During the fight she speaks non stop, barely letting me or my mother talk. We donāt even get a chance to say what we want to say. My mother is a very nice person, but she is also losing her patience with my wife and her aggressiveness.
As I have already mentioned how close I am to my family, I share everything with them and give them a true picture of what is going on in our life. I have not hidden a single thing as I am an honest person and they know. My ammi has even advised my wife to get up early in the morning as she sleeps late and get up late as well, but she has not listened to that. My mother has advised her how I need love but my wife seems totally uncaring when it comes to my needs. She perfectly knows how difficult it has been for me in America. It is not like she or her family didnāt know that my skills to finding a job immediately are zero to none. We never hid anything from her or her family.
Her other complaint against me is that I am not very intimate. Heck my whole life has turned upside/down, I am going through depression who has the will to become lovey dovey. Inshallah as time passes and I am in a better frame of mind our relationship will improve.
To all those who are going to say that my mother should stay out of our fights, please note that even though my mother knew everything as I was updating her, she didnāt get involved herself. It was my wife who ran to her complaining about me when our fights were getting out of hand.
My in-laws donāt know the real situation that we are going through, mainly because my wife donāt want to tell them the truth and is protecting them. She does not have the courage to face the reality and tell them. She is protecting them. I do have a decent relationship with my inlaws and I have gone out on golf games with my brother in laws when they visited our town.
I am getting sick and tired of my wife eventually bringing up old issues in the fight which we have discussed before. Once discussed I think they should become history. Why is she not satisfied, why do old things keep coming up?
Oh one more thing I hate is comparison. My wife has a habit of comparing me to letās say her friends husband. She is kind of a meesni and passive aggressive about it and doesnāt say it outright, but it is still hurtful. Like the other day she mentioned what a nice house her friendās husband has bought and what a wonderful car they have, without ever mentioning that the money is not her friend or her husbands but actually from their parents. Oh yeah and a few weeks back she was going on and on and on about her brotherās accomplishments. Enough already soI had to shut her up by telling her how hurtful it is to compare me to somebody else. It is not like I am not trying
So people what do you see wrong in our marriage and should it be resolved? There is a lot more that I have not said and probably not presented her picture properly but truth is she has her own faults.
We fight, we cry, we both love each other very much. We want to fix things but donāt know how to? So please give some advice.
