hii, i m having a love marriage soon but our parents are not happy and it took them forever to be ok with the marriage and now my family is planning the wedding. i have the hotel booked the dress and so onn.
but now the guys family is saying tht normally girls family run after the guys family and even get them hotel (they are coming from dif city) and tht we should get them tickets and pay hotel and even shaadi night should be booked from my side. is tht right?? also is is normal for girls family to run after them and ask them wht food they want and all this or should we just plan the wedding? They are complaining bec my parents didnt call them. WE just fixed the date and the never talked again.
i dont know wht to do!!!
Re: girls family & guys family
that's absolutely not true, these days, both families share all the expenses but it's true that traditionally the bride's side has more expenses; for example, the brides family pays :
- your dress, make up (and sometimes bridesmaids dresses)
- invitation cards
- hall and catering
- decoration
- photographer and film maker, MC
- favors
the brides family can pay the hotel and travel expenses for their own guests, but not for the grooms family and guests, that's really rude and disgusting of them to say that you should run after them
Re: girls family & guys family
yes my family did book the hotel, catering, cards, decoration, photographer and so on but now his family is saying (not to us but to my fiance) and he told me tht girls family does eveything and they are asking if i have booked a room for shaadi night. i meann whyy?? they are coming to get me and i ll just leave with them why would i book a room?
and should my parents call his family to tell them wht hotel we have booked for the shaadi and wht food we are getting and so on?
Re: girls family & guys family
if you can rely on your fiance you should tell him that there is no rule that the brides family pays everything and they're making it up, i guess your parents should let them know what they've done so far, but you need to explain to him that even if you could afford to pay the whole wedding, it's unfair.
the guys side should pay for your hotel for shaadi night not you.
Re: girls family & guys family
that is so sad and wrong :( i feel for you!! but yes cinnamonroll is right your parents shouldn't have to pay for your wedding night as after the rukhsati you are their responsibility not your parents. I don't think that its reasonable for them to say "run after us" it just makes me wonder how nice they will be to you after your wedding. please make sure that you can trust your fiance and if you can then he should get his family to agree on paying for the wedding night and also to explain to his parents how its not right for them to expect this from your parents. i think they are just doing this cause they didn't want you guys getting married but hopefully your fiance understands this.
even my fiance lives in a different city than ours and at first they were going to come over to our place for baraat (which is about 4-5 hours of flight) but then we decided to go to their city because we moved from there and most of our guests are there so its easier for both sides. we will be paying for our own accomodation and if they were to come to my city they would have paid for their flights and their hotels. we just decided to do it in one city cause this saves our guests money and plus the other way they would have been flying to us and then we would fly down there for valima so it adds up.
but regardless i think its not fair for the girls family to have to foot the bill for everything thats just ridiculous :( just try to explain in to your fiance and im sure he will understand. INSHALLAH everything will work out!!! <3
Re: girls family & guys family
No, you do not need to take care of the accommodations (tho I have heard sometins the bride's side pays ONLY for the immediate family of the groom -- but I haven't seen even that happen recently). The bride's side definitely doesn't have anything to do with anything POST-ruksati, HOWEVER, these days if your wedding is at a hotel they usually throw in a bridal room for free, so in that sense it's arranged by the bride's side.
Re: girls family & guys family
Also, I think just ignore this stuff unless they speak to you or your parents about it directly.
Re: girls family & guys family
So, your fiancee told you what his parents are demanding??? really?? are you also paying for the walima as the walima is paid totally by the groom side in MOST of pakistani weddings, including your jewelry and dress, plus the hall.
I'd say..... run mia.. run!!!!!!!!!!
Re: girls family & guys family
hhahahha thanks for making me laugh =) yeah my fiance tells me everything. his parents really dont like me and they always talk bad abt me and make up stuff but oh well thanks god my fiance always takes my side and always tells me.
and yes his parents never said anything to me or my perents directly since we dont even talk.
@holy_moly: u really made me laugh and no his parents said they will pay for everything at valima even for our tickets and hotel and bla blaa but i dont think my parents will take it so yeah.
But lets see how it goes =)
Re: girls family & guys family
run…
Re: girls family & guys family
omg .... thats crazy that they actually demanded it!
but in a nutshell without asking for it - my parents still booked their hotel rooms (immediate family members only), arranged for a dinner the night before wedding for all of the baraat and out of town guests (ours and theirs) and also arranged for a brunch the next day for these same people. However, they did the same for us as well. They took care of hotel rooms for my immediate family, had a brunch, and although it is unusual - gave gifts to all of my family members (immediate and door ke), and even gave my close girlfriends (8 in total) gifts as well!
So nothing was asked for ... but it was done regardless. Even though i was not a fan of it when my mom initially spoke about what her intent was ... and i argued. After it was all over - i realized it was worth it and actually it evened out in the end and it just looks nice and very hospitable.
But i really dont like the fact that your inlaws expect it and actually are asking for it...
Re: girls family & guys family
Hey!
Congrats on getting near your goal of marrying your love, IA - it'll all work out. But as far as their 'demands', sad, but it does happen. And what they are saying is oh so wrong!
My brother recently got married, in a city about 10 hours away from where we live. We had ~ 100 Baraati that traveled from all over the world to attend (ah). For Our side, We arranged hotel accomodations, transports, food. We didn't ask the girls family for anything, as we know it is crazy busy. Though BOTH sides should (typically do) take care of each others guests, our families discussed that there is so much commotion, that we would each care for our own guests in respective cities. When their side (~ 50 people) came to our city, they took care of their guests. We arranged a special hotel accomodation rate for their guests in our town and placed information within Valima cards for their convenience. After the events, they had a sunday brunch in their home and we did the same following valima in ours.
As far as splitting the costs. As we each had the same # of parties in either city, everyone took care of their own expenses. The Major thing we split was photography/videography. Because that was both of our sides -- though for our mayoon function, there was only a few guests from the Girls side- so we covered that cost and did not split, it did not feel right.
Fixing the date, should be both families together. And since you did that, there is NO reason for them to act as though they had no idea. THEY ARE TO PAY FOR THE SHAADI NIGHT HOTEL!!!! (the bridal suite that YOUR hotel throws is- is typically where bride/her firends/family gets ready- not wedding night). Like seriously??!! How is that even in question? As well as THEY should arrange rukhsati car. that is not YOUR worry, you and your family have PLENTY to worry for... sheeeshhh! this is not traditional nor typical. He straight up told you that "brides family is to run after guys" ? --- I hope he told his parents that is wrong.
Honestly- these are your new family members. Rather than just going through your fiance, I would advise the parents to sit down and talk. You both be present as well. Avoid miscommunications and misunderstandings. Because unfortunately during wedding hungama- it VERY easily occurs. Your fiance seems reasonable, that he has stood fast by you and confides in you. However he is not alone, you have a lifetime with his family as well. Talking it out, you all will have a better understanding of each other, clear up what exactly it is they are thinking or talking of. I mean are they even taking care of the Valima expenses? Clothes? Your makeup/hair for that day?? There is plenty to talk about. Especially given these are the thought processes they are displaying at this time. I had a friend who hadn't cleared that with her in-laws. The day of her valima, when she arrived in this new state, she came to find out she had no makeup person, no hair person, had to rush around the mall on the morning of valima.
I wouldn't just 'ignore' the comments, because they will just grow and eat at both sides. Create more tension in what should always be the happiest of occasions. Sadly though in our cultures it does happen.
Inshallah, may your new future start with love, happiness and always last as such.
Re: girls family & guys family
yes my family did book the hotel, catering, cards, decoration, photographer and so on but now his family is saying (not to us but to my fiance) and he told me tht girls family does eveything and they are asking if i have booked a room for shaadi night. i meann whyy?? they are coming to get me and i ll just leave with them why would i book a room? and should my parents call his family to tell them wht hotel we have booked for the shaadi and wht food we are getting and so on?
In my experience so far, the shaadi room (the hotel the bride and groom spend their wedding night in) is usually booked by the guy's side. At least that's what I have seen so far.
After Rukhsati, its up to the guy's side what they want to do. If its a hotel they want, then they pay for it. They take the girl away on the day of the baraat...she goes with them to wherever they take her...it makes no sense for the girl to pay for that too.
The shaadi function is from the girl's side...its not for the guys to dictate what happens that day so for them to want to be chased after is pretty stupid IMHO.
I would ignore all of this...if they bring it up then tell them plain and simple: its up to THEM where they choose to take their new bahu...so if its going to be a hotel...you would be more than happy to let them know of local accommodations but that's about it.
Re: girls family & guys family
anything after the rukhsati is on the guy and his family
the rukhsati stuff is on the family and no that does not traditionally include accommodation for the groom and his family...haan agar aapki apni khwaahish hai toh koi issue nahin kuch log karte bhi hain but its unfair to demand that of the girls family n to expect them to run after u because why? because ur ladke waale? really? but ur not god so shove ur attitude
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yeah i told my fiance i thousend times that i dont understand why his parents talk like this, they are all after money money money and talking so much nonsense bull****!!
this is really making me mad right now but thanks everyone for sharing and telling me how it really is!
i mean yes my fiance never went to a wedding before and hes the first in his family getting married so he has no idea and wht parents say is right. i mean he is telling me to ignore it and just get hotel for shaadi night and hes going to pay it but he will tell his paretns tht i payed it and so on but really wht will my tell my parents like ohh btw i have booked the hotel for shaadi night?? they will get mad and i dont want them to know abt it bec its just abt fighting and i dont want to mess up stuff now. it took them 4 years to be ok with this shaadi so i m just doing wht ppl are telling me and thts it!
i know its not right and its such a shame but wht can i do? They really hate me even though they dont know me.
we just talked on the phone liek 2 -3 times and my fiance always says tht things will be ok later if they see how nice i am. his paretns really think i m just marrying him bec of THEIR money lol! like really i do work too and earn money but life is not abt money and god this is making me so mad!
And i even told him and he knows my brother got married last year too and we helped the girls family where we could and asked them for help and everything.
And its so funny i know we did stuff for my brothers wife to we got her a suitcase with evrything in it 20 dresses and gifts for her whole family and when i asked my fiance abt wht hes getting me he said nothing just a ring. like i m not accepting anything i m happy to finally getting married but is so funny how ppl just want to take and now to give.
Re: girls family & guys family
Uhhh...they sound like real gems. Good luck to you.
Re: girls family & guys family
Sounds annoying but sadly happens to alot of people
Why isn't your fiance being more supportive?
He could just book the hotel himself and tell his parents that it's been taken care of and thtat they don't need to worry about it
Wedding does add tension and stress on everyne... so try and not let it get to you. iA everything will turn out for the best and your life together ahead will be full of love from everyone :)
Re: girls family & guys family
they don't sound a very nice bunch of people. I hope things turn out smoothly for you IA.
Re: girls family & guys family
aww i know a case where it was pretty much the same a luv marriage and the boys parents werent very happy with it. They didnt give anything except the valima outfit & when the bride wore her own bari clothes after they said **haww its so lightly worked **n yeh woh.so she said phir ap kuch bna deytay:D.
Be nice but dont let them think they can steam roll u.
Re: girls family & guys family
Hi Mia,
So sorry to hear things have been so stressful :(
I know you are in the middle of crazy wedding planning, but I would suggest that if you haven't done this much already, you also make sure to take time to really discuss expectations for your future life together with your fiance. Are you going to be living together with your in-laws straight away? Under what circumstances might you move in with them later (e.g. as they get older)? How would you be expected to contribute to household expenses if at all? What are the expectations about your say in decisionmaking if let's say you are no longer earning because you want to stay home with small children? What say will they have over decisions like your children's care and education? What say will they have over your decisions with regard to work, or possibility of you and your fiance moving to another city to work, for example?
It could well be that things will get easier with time as they get to know you, but the more you communicate now with your fiance and make sure you are playing on the same team the better.
Warmest wishes...