I think she’s the type of person who wears the same kind of stuff and you’re buying to your taste. Maybe she doesn’t like your taste of clothing? Like my mother wears the same rose pink colour of lipstick and if I buy her plums, fushias, reds for the sake of diversity and my taste then it’s useless no matter how pretty the colours. She’s going to throw them back in the drawer and forget all about them.
Try to buy the exact kind of stuff she has. If she doesn’t wear them either than stop making the massive effort or better yet make it joint effort with your sil.
Are the clothes you buy her even the right size? Too tight? Too loose? Clothes are always tricky to give as gifts because it’s not just about style but also fitting and people have very specific tastes. I would avoid giving clothes and choose other practical gifts that she can use daily. How about a nice watch or sunglasses or purse?
Well old people get that way & my mum’s exactly like ur MIL (hates going out much & likes her own food kina person) so dragging her to spend a girls day out is a frustrating process while my MIL is all like ‘chalo chalo’ types so I get where the above posters kina took the post in a tad bit wrong direction..
Let me tell u few brutally honest things about old people
They are resistant to change, if u like buying different things each time the same doesn’t apply for her. You may get her some nice lawn print of Sana safinaz yet she would like the gul Ahmed simplicity (just an example) she clearly is a strong personality and has a defined taste, just observe that and you’ll be fine. It has nothing to do with your relationship with her.
It’s quite frustrating to buy my mum and dad gifts (specially clothes, gold my mommy readily accepts hahaha) but over the years I have learnt that its not the colors, brands, design that I want to see them in rather what they have been wearing & will continue to wear. Such is the nature of giving gifts
Dont judge ur relationship with her based on this.
Yes, you should still buy gifts for your MIL. Based on my own experience and maybe even that of others, gifts such as formal clothes/perfume/jewelry/shoes/purses tend to remain in the closet or drawer or on the dresser until a special occasion comes up or the mood to wear strikes. Gifts and any kind gesture for that matter help to promote affection between rishtay. And even if the recipient secretly doesn’t like the gift or doesn’t use it as much, it still sends the message that you thought of them and that you value/care about them.
If you were to suddenly stop giving mil gifts then you risk standing out in a less than positive way especially if devrani continues to give presents. I have heard so many cases of in-laws that avoid/ignore/mistreat their bahus…and the fact that your mil looks forward to chatting with you when you return from work is perhaps a more telling indication of her equation with you than the gifts alone. That she looks forward to interacting with you is maybe more of a compliment to you as DIL. I’ve seen cases of relatives who can’t stand each others’ presence but expect gifts and despite fulfilling the formality of giving expensive presents…the relationship doesn’t have much substance. It’s MashaAllah commendable that you think of your mil as well when buying for your own mom; not ever DIL does that. I know it’s easier said than done but if you have an overall good relationship with mil, then don’t let this get in the way of that.
may be the clothes you are gifting her are the formal ones and as you mentioned she doesn’t go out much, she might not get the chance to wear them. You can buy her the casual daily wear comfy clothes which she can wear at home. Cardigans, shawls for winters.
Or apart from clothes, you can gift her cook books or cooking shows DVDs as you said she likes her own cooked food so i am assuming she is into cooking.
some cooking appliances can also be an option.
Thanks all. I’ve tried to get stuff I think will suit her taste and get my sister in laws approval. My sister in law got her a light green cotton shirt with White embroidery all over which she wears all the time. I got her a very very similar light green one in chiffon (it’s really high quality chiffon so has a beautiful fall and is the same cut as the one from sister in law) It’s just nicer than the cotton one so it can be worn at formal events. There have been various dawats and weddings over the last year and she hasn’t touched it once opting instead for outfits she has worn over and over again including some that are now fraying (and its the same social circle so one would think she might just want something different)including a few that my sister in law brought her. She isn’t particularly fashionable and I so agree I don’t have the same taste as her BUT my devrani has great taste and always buys her trendy and nice stuff which isn’t what she would buy herself so it can’t be that she dislikes anything too fashionable. Like I said mine and the devrani taste is very similar, mother in laws is different to both of us but devrani always buys according to our shared taste. The clothes are all tailored to her exact size so that’s not the issue. I’ve tried other things like shawls and again they never get used. Perfumes she gets gifted all the time and watches she doesn’t wear. The kitchen is so full of kitchen stuff and the house is so full of ornaments and books that it would be silly to get anything more.
The point RedVelvet made is the one I’m a bit concerned about. If I stop getting gifts might look bad but also don’t like wasting money and its kind of hurtful too if I’m honest. Especially because my mother in law keeps using the stuff that my devrani buys and keeps saying how lovely those things are to me
^The next time she praises devrani’s gifts… What if you were to nicely say… “Ammi/Aunti…aap ko meray gifts nahi pasand aaye? Agar nahi aaye to we can return them and get something that you like better or maybe you can come shopping with me and pick something of ur choice. And that way I’ll be more happy knowing that you got something that you love and will enjoy using.” Try this…say it very very nicely…and maybe it’ll give her something to think about. She may not be doing this intentionally, Ruby.. It’s possible she may not be aware. You can word it in a way that doesn’t sound accusatory. Maybe this is better than you bottling the hurt especially when you live with mil. Over time it can lead to resentment that might start showing up in your interactions. So, consider bringing it up in a tactful way.
^The next time she praises devrani’s gifts… What if you were to nicely say… “Ammi/Aunti…aap ko meray gifts nahi pasand aaye? Agar nahi aaye to we can return them and get something that you like better or maybe you can come shopping with me and pick something of ur choice. And that way I’ll be more happy knowing that you got something that you love and will enjoy using.” Try this…say it very very nicely…and maybe it’ll give her something to think about. She may not be doing this intentionally, Ruby.. It’s possible she may not be aware. You can word it in a way that doesn’t sound accusatory./
Twice now she has asked herself whether the gifts can be returned (including the one that was very similar to the outfit she loves) I said I would try buy my husband got really angry and told her it’s very ungracious to behave tht way when someone gives you something. It’s too late to return anything now so would seem disingenuous to say let’s return them now but maybe I do need to say something to see what the issue is. I just don’t want it to come accross as trouble making. Even things said politely can sometimes come across that way. I do want to get to the bottom of this and understand what’s going on.
okay, so now we know that she has already asked you if the gifts can be returned, this clearly shows that she doesn’t really like the gifts. I don’t see any other angle to this as to why she is not using the dresses you gift her than the simple reasons that they are not to her liking.
In my view, when she herself asked you for gift return, that was the time that you should have asked her what type of gift she would like instead or if she would like to have some specific fabric,style color etc.
the comment by your husband to her about being ungracious, might come across to her as you guys are not really care about her likes and you are giving her things that you think would be appropriate for her without taking her likes into consideration. May be for her the best thing is to keep quiet and simply not use the gifts instead of creating fuss over it.
Just frankly ask her why she wanted to return those gifts. If it was your mom, you would ask her if she liked your gift and if not then what does she want in the future.
Be confident and ask once and in the future it wont happen again.
Really . I don’t understand why people look for issues. She doesn’t wear them she doesn’t wear them. End of story. No need to create an issue for yourself either privately or publically. Just move on. I never turned around to check if my mil wears what I gift her
@ruby17 next time you need to get your MIL a gift take her shopping with you. That way she’ll pick what she likes. Don’t stop giving her gifts. It’ll only reflect badly on you especially if your devrani gives her gifts.
Seeing as how this thread is about gift giving I have a question. I don’t want to derail the topic but this looks like the right place to put it. If not I apologise and please ignore it.
My question is say you give gifts to certain people like family members but then you find out that they give your gifts away to others, what would you do?
One posted suggested something I liked…go in for a gift with your SIL next time or make sure you go shopping with her for the gift.
When you give her the present, just say that I hope you really like Ammi…SIL helped me pick this out for you. She always seems to know what you like so I got her opinion this time! Be super nice and see what happens!
in my opinion, if you have given someone a gift, then that thing now entirely belongs to that person and its up to that person how and if he/she uses it. While it is general etiquette to use the gift someone has gifted you and also let that person know that you are using it to harness the good feelings but there might be scenarios when someone chose to pass on that gift to somebody else and there could be various reasons. Example, someone has given you a fragrance or fabric that you feel allergic to so you really can’t use it and you gift it to someone else or you got the dress in a cut that you don’t feel comfortable wearing or at times you need to buy gifts for others but you are short of money so you give them the gifts someone has gifted you. or you already got so many of same kinds of gifts(happens at time of weddings)so you pass it on to others. I don’t think there is anything in these scenarios to feel offended or hurt.
Why not take her out and have a cup of coffee with her and may be go to a nice place where you guys could talk and where you could appreciate her for all the good things she did and why she’s the reason to a lot of the happiness you’ve in your life.
That could be great gift.
Or why not you try admiring her in front of the whole family and tell her that you love her as your own mother?
