I’m currently on holiday and was in Cape Town last week, where I learned that there is also large Muslim community. This community is the descendents of Indonesian and Javanese indentured servants brought to South Africa by the Dutch East Indian Company during the 17th and 18th centuries and are referred to Cape Malays. During my time in Cape Town, I met a couple of people from this community and, in speaking to them, learned a couple of interesting things about their culture.
Interestingly enough, when we were talking about weddings and wedding traditions, the lady I was speaking to told me about how they go about meetings during the “rishta” process. Arranged marriages aren’t as common in their community anymore. However, when people do go this route, she stated that she’s observed that the process isn’t as rigid and methodical as with other Muslim groups. She told me that at such meetings, the host (usually the guy’s family) must invite the family of the potential prospect to their house over for a sort of dinner party at which both families, including the prospective couple, talk, become acquainted and discuss issues related to the prospective match. She mentioned that the prospective couple must be present for the length of the dinner, is encouraged to talk and get to know one another and that it is considered quite rude for either them to be absent or leave early while the guests are still there.
I found the fact that the prospective couple is expected to be present and talk to each other throughout the entire meeting to be quite interesting as it is similar to how we go about things in my culture. Although we don’t do the elaborate dinner thing, it is also considered rude for either the prospective bride or groom to be absent from the meeting as this is interpreted as lack of interest. It is also considered bad hospitality for the girl/guy to leave early before the visitors leave. For this reason, I’ve found it quite strange to read stories on life1 about how people went to a girl/guy’s house and the girl/guy only came out for 5 minutes to serve/have tea and left or how someone’s family came over for a meeting but the guy/girl didn’t come themselves.
So, I was curious, how do different cultures/communities go about conducting meetings potential prospects in the arranged marriage setting?
Re: Getting to know a potential spouse in different cultures
In Arrange marriages, traditionally the couple could only meet after wedding. There are many stories around (where the couple was not from same family), they could only see each other in mirror during 'Aarsi e mashaf' custom.
Re: Getting to know a potential spouse in different cultures
In South Africa there's a big population of South Asians too. As far as the process of looking for a prospective bride is concerned, its similar to what you have written. If the marriage is not in the family usually the groom's family (nowadays the groom is also a part of that group) goes to the girl house on chai (tea). In some families they allow some sort of interaction between the girl and boy that day, but in typical arranged marriages like muqawwee mentioned the groom and bride usually see each other on wedding day.
Re: Getting to know a potential spouse in different cultures
my family went there, had to check out 2-3 pictures…
I saw my wife on the day of my nikkah, and met her first time a day after… aarsi mashaf is not done in my family, not that common in Punjab. kan akhion say daikhna paRta hay.
Re: Getting to know a potential spouse in different cultures
or one could do the traditional kyrgyz/kazhakh way, put a sack over a girl when she isnt looking, tie her up and take her to your parents, who will then hold her hostage until she says yes. <3
aarsi mashaf is not done in my family, not that common in Punjab. kan akhion say daikhna paRta hay.
(which again is becoming common) so had to be content on Nikkah that day.
