Re: Getting the point across to parents that now is not the time...
There are some girls who have to spend the most uh.. potentially carefree years of their lives listening to indirect hints, open-ended remarks, "good natured" suggestions, have to put up with subtle blackmails, outright blackmails, subtle emotional games, outright emotional blackmailing, aunties checking them out from top to bottom and remarking on how it definitely is time now...thereby living in this sort of fear for their lives and themselves while they could be leading a normal life like just like anyone else. I have known girls who have had to put up with this and it definitely leaves a dent on their minds in some way.
The only thing left to be done if it indeed does bother you --Speak Up. And just make it as clear as you can. Ofcourse you have to have good reasons. The best and most genuine one being that you do have that much of a right on your life to decide when you would like to marry and definitely with whom. And that you wish to do so and so thing in your life and you dun want to put it off for later. Your family or for that matter anyone who cares for you will get it eventually. If they don't then, they never will. Stick to your point, they will give up sooner or later, may support you too. Once they realize you are serious they will come around, cos mostly they do wish you to be happy ultimately.
Re: Getting the point across to parents that now is not the time...
It's horrible .. I'm just scared of damaging my parents health..
You know nothing is going to happen to anyones health. If you were to get married to Mr " I'm a flirt and I demand that I to get to Englaaaaaand" today, will you fall ill?
So what do you guys think? Should I tell them that i want to marry but to the right guy..
Tell them and tell them again and keep telling them.
Re: Getting the point across to parents that now is not the time...
Ya knw wht, if ure mom is so set on u getting marreid when ure 18 then its her mistake for ever leaving Pakistan and coming to UK.. its parents in general, they oughta leave their pind mentality back in the sh*thole they came from.. its ridiculous.. What is the point of coming to a country, if ure not even going to remotely try to integrate into the larger culture, if ure gonna raise ur kids as if ure still living back home?? This is so frustrating!
Re: Getting the point across to parents that now is not the time...
sara, you're right about parents wanting to raise their children like they were still back home. i think many parents forget to realise that when they move to a new country there children will face different situation then they did, and parents need to learn to respect their childrens wishes.
my dad was very understanding he wanted me to finish school get a job and be able to support myself before getting married, my mom on the other hand, the day i turned 17 was all over my about marriage. eventually my mom learned to let me do my thing.
now and i'm engaged to a guy i chose on my own terms [we'll get married after i'm done school].
in the end i think that both parents and kids need to respect each other
Re: Getting the point across to parents that now is not the time…
I went through this stuff (sorta) in HS.. not with marriage, but everything else, wasn’t allowed to have freinds, a social life, xtracurriculars , or anything..I hated eveyrthing associated with culture, even religion (coz I wrongly associated it with culture ).. I hated my life, my culture, my parents for trying to raise me as if I was still in Pakistan, everything..
Now tht im almost 21 im realizing my parents are more errr for lack of a better word, SANER than alot of parents I know..they would never ever ever ever force teh marriage or some guy on me, they want me to finish my education. They’re not the “yeah u can date, go to friends houses overnight, stay out late” or “ure getting married to so and so in two yrs, no debate”..I am so thankful that I have parents whom I can talk freely to about how I feel and what I want now. I still wish I hadn’t been sheltered so much when I was in HS becoz I feel ive made lots n lots of mistakes in college that most 19, 20 yr olds wouldn’t have made, but hey whats done is done..
Re: Getting the point across to parents that now is not the time...
Sadiyah, among other good suggestions you have received in this thread, let me assure you that your parents are right when they argue that with age the potential 'ristas' do get diminish in diversity & number, far more so for women than for men. It has something to do with Desi culture but it actually happens in all cultures.
If you are willing to take the risk and consider waiting for a perfect one even if it means eventually you will end up with someone less apt than what is being offered right now, then by all means go for the risk as life for an adult is all about taking risks and making their own decisions.
Re: Getting the point across to parents that now is not the time…
Alhamdullilah The more I thank Allah (s.w.t) the less it would be. I have never been into this kind a situation and cannot even expect it in near future.My dad is very cool minded and he trust my decisions and me. He knows right now I am sacrificing myself for my long run career in my life…so has no prob with me gettin married right now or later.
My mom on the other hand, whenever I go back home she mentions about me gettin at least engaged. But when I lay my options infront of her telling her that I am right now tight on schedule and myself. There is noooooo way I let someone comes in my life.
Goood thing aint got anyone in relatives and my parents don’t want me to get married in relatives shew. My mom believes Ill find someone on my own and just tell them…if not I totally trust my mom’s opinion and will give a thought to a guy that she will like for me and If I end up not liking a guy then I totally have a right to say no
Saadiyah yea I agree with ahmedjee..he has a point :k:
Re: Getting the point across to parents that now is not the time…
I have told my mom that i am not getting married until i get out of med school and she totally shot down the idea. She said that I should atleast get engaged in the next year or so and that a lot of ppl go to school after they are married She’s very much into rishtas these days and it is kinda scaring me cuz someday there is gona be a rishta that she’ll really really like and then my shaamat. Whatever Allah thinks is best.
I dont know how old you are, but even if you do tell em you’re not ready for marriage etc, they are still gonna keep looking. Just make sure that you dont just totally make up your mind abt a certain age you wanna get married at. Keep your options open :halo:
Re: Getting the point across to parents that now is not the time...
As far ur question or original theme is concerned. It never came to me, even if it would, I would do what I wanted to (actually I did what I wanted to).
But on the other hand when u say "magic number for girls" then I have to agree with your parents, age factor is a prime key for females in desi society. Unfortunately you will see a 42 years old baba getting married to a 20 years old girl in pakistan but u might never hear a 42 years old getting married to even a 42 years old (single/never married) male.
Re: Getting the point across to parents that now is not the time...
OMG someone i can relate to...mine were/are the same. They want me to have a good education and everything, but everything else is a no-no. In the last year it has got worse (not allowed to talk to boy (what do they want me to do ignore every guy who says hello????). I kno they care about me and everything, but it just seems as if they're worried/scared that i'll bring shame on the family by doing something wrong. What do they think i'm going to do?...as far as i'm concerned there's not enough hours for studying, never mind anything else!
Re: Getting the point across to parents that now is not the time...
nuzzie, I can very much relate to your situation. Just like you I don't wish to hurt them or be a nuisance, but I just can't seem to accept what they have in mind for me, as I don't think it'll work out or that it's worth it.
I have tried getting my point across, but to no avail. I feel quite restricted. I have clearly said no to the one from back home, but they haven't yet been informed, as perhaps the individual is still considered a good match. As for the other one, I'm simply not interested.
I tried to sort of get myself to change my mind and do what they want me to, but it doesn't seem to be working because I'm well aware that it won't work out. I don't want someone coming here from back home and building his future at my expense (i.e. starting from scratch where I'll have to sacrifice big time).
Besides, given that I have significantly different religious views I'm sure the marriage will either go bad or would be a drag. I've tried explaining this point as well, but doesn't seem to be working; rather I'm told to change my views or be accommodative (which more or less means give up what I believe in).
I do know of someone with whom things would work out, but given that he's got elder siblings in line, his parents won't come for another two years. I don't see it as a problem since I've got another 2 or 2.5 years of school remaining. However, my parents aren't okay with the other side not showing up.
As for those suggesting that if I know what I'm doing is right then I should take matters in my hand, I'd love to, but this doesn't seem like an option.
Re: Getting the point across to parents that now is not the time…
Awww Sadiyah
You want it bad enough, (or don’t in this case) then keep saying no, however tiring it is..would you really want to end up being in a miserable marriage just coz ur parents said so? And liek someone said before, deep down, ure parents love you and want to c you happy, so no they wudnt wnat u in a miserable marriage..Most importantly, you CANNOT give up your views on religion and hwat you believe in. If you can compromise on everything, do NOT compromise on religion just for some guy or his mother or your mother.
I’ve been told too, to change my views, to be more accomodating, and while I know that compromise is a big thing in relationships, there are a few things that i do NOT want to compromise on, however ridiculous n “maaadraarrrnnn” it may make me look to others. I know the things that can go wrong in certain situations and all I get is “Allah de sapurd”. I don’t believe in going into things blindly and then just praying for the best. I ask questions, i like to find out information, its my life, I have a right to know. I firmly believe tht Allah helps those who help themselves.
Re: Getting the point across to parents that now is not the time…
Another thing.. is that guy really interested in marriage with you? Are you sure he’s not using that age thing as an excuse? I’m asking because you shouldn’t turn away every potential rishta that comes along coz of him if ure not sure of his intentions with you.. IMO there’s nothing worse than someone who waits around for someone else for a number of yrs, only for that other person to realize htey dont wanna get married, they dont feel the same towards you etc..(it can go both ways-guys/grls) its alot of heartbreak and a waste of time/energy/emotions.. I dunno how ppl can take such a risk when they date someone seriously
Anyway, it’s okay if you didn’t like the guys tht came along for the reasons u stated, but don’t turn the idea of rishtas away, coz like others mentioned, there is the age factor. I told my parents to look for a guy in Amreeka, coz they don’t know ne one there (not very social) so tht’ll buy me some time
Re: Getting the point across to parents that now is not the time...
I'm thankfully never going to be in this situation, i have very understanding and supportive parents who have always allowed me to make my own decisions. Not only has that made me a strong minded person, it as allowed me to live my life by my terms.
Re: Getting the point across to parents that now is not the time...
Sara, it's not about limiting myself to one individual. I just don't think it's worth getting married to someone just for the heck of it or because most desis get married at a certain age. I think it'd be pretty meaningless and would be bound for disasters.
Re: Getting the point across to parents that now is not the time...
its better to be married happily then just married....pray isthikharah and and make loads of sincere dua...and leave matters with Allah, if its meant to be it will be.
be patient and keep talking to your parents. thats the key keeping the relationship strong with your parents, don't be angry with them (although its hard not to) just stick to your points and arguements if thats what you feel.
these things do take time.....but inshAllah you're parents will see your way of thinking and get over you saying no to a proposal, they wont hate you for it.....although for a while there maybe hard feelings but believe me they are your parents they will definitely get over it.
Re: Getting the point across to parents that now is not the time...
the inevitable situation that all us desi girls face esp. the ones whose parents have moved here from back home and carry with them the same mentaliity i.e. above 21 or 22 there is no chance of you getting married.
I told my parents to let me finish school before looking at rishtas and thankfully they were ok with it. I also had the advantage of living in a small town where the desi population is close to .1% and me not being some gorgeous babe which worked to my benefit.
They key reason is that I wanted to become financially independent and most parents do understand that in today's time. I would go ahead and let them know that you want to at least have some sort of financial independence. since you are agreeing to an arranged marriage, there is always a risk that things won't work out, and you want to let them know that if that happens at least you won't end up relying on them and will be able to survive on your own. Hopefully that's a credible point to let them re-evaluate their pushing you into a rishta.
Good luck and I can completely relate w/ the frustration hugs
Re: Getting the point across to parents that now is not the time...
Sorry everyone.. I haven't been online for the past few days..
Sara I agree with you entirely about parents making you confirm to the culture as in Pakistan... When I was younger and even now a bit.. . my parents ended up entangling me in a stricter desi/pakistani culture than girls who are actually from Pakistan..to home in the values of being pakistani..
There have been many a days in my "vital Teen Years" where I was forced to dress in technicolor salwar kameez to go to non unfirm days and if being the only brown coloured girl in the whole school wasn't enough .. i stood out by looking like a revolving disco light..
It got to the point of my mum not buying any casual english clothes.. so I used to steel my brothers clothes and get changed outside of the house before going to school..
My dad saw me liek that a few times and realised it was unhealthy..and calmed down .. but still very strict about certain things..
I have friends from Karachi who are way more westernised than i am and think what the hell is going on... Even wearing long skirts brings lectures form my mum for beign too westernised.. hello what is a lengha..?
I agree with you guys and thanks for the advice.. I am getting old.. and do want to get married and like sadiyah I have been waiting for Mr "Friend" to bring his parents to my home but it hasn't happened after 5 years of Friendship ..so Sadiyah as Sara has already said please don't ignore all other guys for the "one" unless you are both sure that you want it..
I am stuck between a rock and a hard place and never looked at other guys as my focus was on Mr "Friend" and only him.... only for him to turn round and say no I don't want to get married..
Now at 26.. I am thinking of just jacking everythign in and getting married to a guy who i know is totally uncompatible due to parents pressure...with the intention that I can get a divorce as soon after the marriage.
To be fair on my parents they have asked me about nayone I know (Who is in the same zaat) and to ask him to come to our house..
But how do you tell them that there is no one and the one you want won't come..
Re: Getting the point across to parents that now is not the time...
Nuzzie, if the one you want won't come, you need to let him go. It's been 5 years already. Don't waste your life for someone who isn't giving this whole situation any real importance. Give others a chance. You never know, you may just meet someone else who you really click with.
).. I hated my life, my culture, my parents for trying to raise me as if I was still in Pakistan, everything..
im realizing my parents are more errr for lack of a better word, SANER than alot of parents I know..they would never ever ever ever force teh marriage or some guy on me, they want me to finish my education. They’re not the “yeah u can date, go to friends houses overnight, stay out late” or “ure getting married to so and so in two yrs, no debate”..I am so thankful that I have parents whom I can talk freely to about how I feel and what I want now. I still wish I hadn’t been sheltered so much when I was in HS becoz I feel ive made lots n lots of mistakes in college that most 19, 20 yr olds wouldn’t have made, but hey whats done is done.. 
She’s very much into rishtas these days and it is kinda scaring me cuz someday there is gona be a rishta that she’ll really really like and then my shaamat. Whatever Allah thinks is best.
