My MiL will be staying with me and the hubby for a few months this year. She’s currently becoming an Alima from a Arab affiliated institute( apparently it’s the oldest one around) and besides that her social circle is also primarily dars and other religious gatherings etc. while I have no issues with what she learns or how she spends her time, she’s recently become pretty vocal about certain things that she’s learning in school or that some aalim or dars friend will tell her. she’s also fundamentally becoming very unaccepting of other opinions or views. A few key decisions we’ve made regarding our soon to be born daughter have horrified her including our decision not to shave her head. She’s also so distrustful of everything related to USA that she won’t even trust the imans here. Like she wouldn’t even trust the imam to say azaan in her ear. She’s like how do you know he knows what he’s saying!! I think what bothers me more than her belief in these things is the thought that what she is saying is right. To me that’s dangerous. Today she repeated something rather horrific which she heard someone say in a dars. Namely that there " is a thing called female circumcision". And when I told her it was a barbaric custom that she should never mention again she started justifying it and said " I study these things so I know. You don’t know what you are talking about". I felt like screaming at her. I know EXACTLY what you are talking about you cow. I know more about FGM than your stupid dars friends will ever know. Yaar these ppl become such mindless drones with these darses. I am dreading her arrival to our place. She’s going to start imposing all her crazy beliefs on us and our kid. What should I do man???
Re: Getting the grandparents to respect your rules
i don't see any middle ground for two o you to cohabit the place so it's in your and her best interest to find an apartment for her so she and you could live more peacefully and maintain a good relationship. you visit them everyday or every other day.
Re: Getting the grandparents to respect your rules
And maybe this is being paranoid but I don't want to leave my kid unsupervised with her . I don't want to come home to my daughter missing her genitals! Reminds me of that case in Australia where the grandma got the girls circumcised!
Re: Getting the grandparents to respect your rules
And maybe this is being paranoid but I don't want to leave my kid unsupervised with her . I don't want to come home to my daughter missing her genitals! Reminds me of that case in Australia where the grandma got the girls circumcised!
no, i meant that your MIL and FIL stay in a separate place than yours.
Oh wow lol i thought i had it bad with the grandparents. Thank God mine are the normal kind that spoil ur kid with candy etc.
Talk to your husband and make it known what she's suggesting. FGM is ridiculous and un-Islamic. Idk what dars ur MIL is attending... maybe ur husband should make sure it's legit =/
Re: Getting the grandparents to respect your rules
FGM is so flipping dangerous. Please discuss this with your husband so you guys are on the same page. If he doesn't keep boundaries there's no point of you trying to enforce them.
Re: Getting the grandparents to respect your rules
There's really no middle ground here...you're a mother first.
So accept the fact that you will be the bad guy and make sure your rules are respected and enforced.
Re: Getting the grandparents to respect your rules
talk to your husband, and tell him to handle her and don't come in btw unless you have to. Agree to give up some small things like having a person your MIL trust do the azaan in the kids ear (my FIL did it over skype, he was honored and very happy) Also, shaving the kids head is really not something you need to fight over. If she is really pushy about it thn get it done. Even in the US you can find professionals who have experience having babies head and know about the Muslim rule of 7 days (please i don't mean to argue here regarding what's islamic and what's not.) i am just saying pick your battles.
Re: Getting the grandparents to respect your rules
If I were you,Id straight up tell her my rules.This is allowed,this isnt. I wouldnt even depend on my husband to talk to her.This is your child and you get to make the rules. Being a mother should make us stronger, not passive or weak that we cant even talk about how to raise the children WE gave birth to.
Re: Getting the grandparents to respect your rules
There's small things like azaan and shaving hte head and candy and whatever, then there's big things like FGM, FOH no ones steppign foot near my kid if they think that way.
Re: Getting the grandparents to respect your rules
My MiL will be staying with me and the hubby for a few months this year. She's currently becoming an Alima from a Arab affiliated institute( apparently it's the oldest one around) and besides that her social circle is also primarily dars and other religious gatherings etc. while I have no issues with what she learns or how she spends her time, she's recently become pretty vocal about certain things that she's learning in school or that some aalim or dars friend will tell her. she's also fundamentally becoming very unaccepting of other opinions or views. A few key decisions we've made regarding our soon to be born daughter have horrified her including our decision not to shave her head. She's also so distrustful of everything related to USA that she won't even trust the imans here. Like she wouldn't even trust the imam to say azaan in her ear. She's like how do you know he knows what he's saying!! I think what bothers me more than her belief in these things is the thought that what she is saying is right. To me that's dangerous. Today she repeated something rather horrific which she heard someone say in a dars. Namely that there " is a thing called female circumcision". And when I told her it was a barbaric custom that she should never mention again she started justifying it and said " I study these things so I know. You don't know what you are talking about". I felt like screaming at her. I know EXACTLY what you are talking about** you cow**. I know more about FGM than your stupid dars friends will ever know. Yaar these ppl become such mindless drones with these darses. I am dreading her arrival to our place. She's going to start imposing all her crazy beliefs on us and our kid. What should I do man????
Your frustration is one thing, but why the name calling? You wouldn't want her calling you a 'cow' either
Set boundaries with her 'politely' and let her know that religion is a very personal thing, she can believe or do whatever she likes and you will do whatever you believe in. And if she continues on about 'oh you don't know anything' just say it I don't want to discuss religion, thank you
Is she attending bohri Dars'?
Re: Getting the grandparents to respect your rules
I let little things go but hubby is so super picky. He asks for report of each kid and if they are a few ounces short on their feeding, he tells our moms off.
But FGM!!! I would never let anyone watch my kids if they believed in that
Re: Getting the grandparents to respect your rules
Usually I take side of parents, or at least try to see things from their perspective, but this is crazy in fact beyond crazy. I would never leave my child alone with a person who believes in fgm
Re: Getting the grandparents to respect your rules
Your frustration is one thing, but why the name calling? You wouldn't want her calling you a 'cow' either
Set boundaries with her 'politely' and let her know that religion is a very personal thing, she can believe or do whatever she likes and you will do whatever you believe in. And if she continues on about 'oh you don't know anything' just say it I don't want to discuss religion, thank you
Is she attending bohri Dars'?
Normally I would agree with you, but someone who believes that FGM is a real religious and legit thing doesn't deserve courtesy of respect. its just..mind boggling.
Re: Getting the grandparents to respect your rules
Shaving bbay's head is sunnah, not fard. But FGM is un Islamic as is doubting other Muslims (Imams in the U.S.)What does your husband say about all this?