getting immune/developing resistance

Lifestyle Relationships
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“as u grow old in life, things start to get taken from you, but u only learn that when u start losing stuff…”

… and i started wondering.. that slowly, yet gradually, i’m developing a resistance about this losing-stuff… and lately its not been bothering me, but making me think more than once that is losing stuff bad? or developing this resistance is bad? (that u dont feel/care any more).

7 years ago, pick a friend, ANY friend, that if he/she needed some help, i was present first, and the longest..

now, i usually listen to the problem, kinda shake my shoulders, and mumble to myself, DAMN! THATS HOW LIFE KICKS SOMEONE’S ASS! (and then LEAVE it at that)

muzna once said on a different topic: “maybe thats cuz the stuff u’ve been through” and i think she was right, even if we take this phrase and apply it here..

and part that really pushes buttons for people is that i dont even get embarrased in admitting that i am selfish and self-centered :konfused:

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Re: getting immune/developing resistance

When we are young we are more energetic and want to do more in less time. I was like that too in my university days. But not anymore,because I guess I realized that I have priorities of my own. I would still love to help and reach out for someone, but I guess dont want to pay a price for it myself. (but still i do it whenever I can :smack: and get lectures from my loved ones)
It seems selfish but life changes, we develop our own world and priorities, and sometime like to live in that nutshell forever.

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Re: getting immune/developing resistance

We are more idealistic when we are young and as we get older we realize that everyone doesn’t think the way we do. People are selfish in general and with time it rubs off on us all.

I know what you mean about the change in relationships with friends. I’ve noticed the last year or so that the energy and time that use to be spent on friends is now spent on family and myself.

I bet your friends realize how busy you are and that it is unrealistic to remain the same Faizan. :)

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Re: getting immune/developing resistance

no.. not really.. i’m like lost in my own thoughts, and in my own world, and here’n there when i get flashes of “DUDEEE! LOOK AROUND U” then i realize, i’m missing on a lot of things lately…

5

Re: getting immune/developing resistance

^ so u r like that with everyone? including ur family? or just with people outside?

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Re: getting immune/developing resistance

what do you personally think is the cause of that?

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Re: getting immune/developing resistance

I like to look at it this way......

Allah mian is looking after me.
He will not put more burden upon me than I can bear because He knows me better than anyone can. (So my elders tell me.)
He will challenge me with situations and make me question my morals and beliefs.
He loves me more than even my mother could.

If all of the above is true, then obviously the changes that come about in me are based on the burdens, challenges and siutations that He chooses for me. Ergo, all things kept equal, I am becoming what He wants me to become.

And if that means more focused on what I need to concentrate on, then so be it.

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Re: getting immune/developing resistance

Faizy

Tragedy, challenges and hardships have a way of shaping us based on how we react to them. Someone very close to me was brutally murdered in Pakistan during ethnic violence, it was covered up as a botched robbery but the truth was something different. When that happened I shut myself off from everyone, and ended up being a very self centered, selfish person. I lost some good pals in that time period, as I was just a friend in name, and was never there for anyone. No one really knew what was going on with me and at surface I was this happy go lucky college kid with no worries no stress and someone who was just out to have a good time. It was a self destructive behavior in a way because all the ppl around me were good time acquaintances and I alienated many friends. Thank god that this phase only lasted a year or so and then I regained my senses.

When I lost the twins in 2004, it ended up making me very soft, it was for the first time I saw the fragility of this life so closely and that our time is limited. The lack of humane behavior by some docs, and lack of support by some so called friends turned me extremely anti social for a very short time, but knowing how on kind word, one gentle pat on the shoulder and one caring gesture can make so much of a difference in the life os someone who needs some support, I think I have become more mellow, more approachable, and more sympathetic to people when they need help, support or someone to lean on.

It could have been, people were not there for me when I needed them so I will not be there for anyone..but instead it became.. I know what it is like to not have someone to lean on or to not get support from people you expected support from…so I will become someone that his friends can count on, no matter how trivial their issue seems like.

There is however a limit to this, people who had abandoned me have been picked out of my life and I do not interact with them at all now, secondly those who seem to constantly whine and get sympathy and support but don’t take any steps to improve their situation get less and less time from me.

so cliffs note of this book- a friend in need is a friend indeed..dont abandon those around you, stay involved in their lives, but not at the expense of yourself, and dont become a permanent crutch for someone..that amy just prevent them form making a change.

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Re: getting immune/developing resistance

i agree whole heartedly with what mr fraudia just wrote

there are times in life when involvng yourself in other peoples live or other peoples problems just causes too much burden on you. and then you void them.
but you cant walk away all the time especially from your close friends and family who have supported you and you hae supported in turn.
if you no longer want to involve your self in peoples problems that is your perogative, but then you have to think, is this person really wanting my help.

like mr fraudia said, there are some who want you to do everything for them and are not prepared to do ne thing for themselves.
it is your choice who you help and when you help.

i have seen pple turn around and bite the hand that fed them once they have taken all they canfrom the person, and on the other side i have seen pple who once you help them in their troubles are ready to drop everything at a moments notice and help you when you need support.

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Re: getting immune/developing resistance

read the post above this question clearly, it clearly says what i wanted it to say, making your question not even valid..

why have i posted a thread here?:faizy:

apart from religious philosophy and the whole allah chapter, THIS is the line that strikes me … i’ve been wondering lately.. questionning myself.. that am i even doing everything RIGHT? i’ve done many wrongs, and i’ve stood BY them, taking full heat for everything.. this way if i was right, glory was all mine, and if i was wrong, there was nobody else to blame…

and after ALLL OF THISSSSS, i ask myself, is it WORTH focusing on what i am currently,… cuz i get lost in myself this way, and suddenly i hear.. oh he’s married/she’s married, or ‘she just had a kid/he just had a kid’ and with blank look, i wonder, when were they married/were they married?

whenever i get in my senses, i ask around people for updates, and they get annoyed, and i’m like, guys, i dunno WHATS going in with u, gimme some updates.. i’m like missing everything in life.. i’m so focused on ME ME* ME* part, that i’m not even looking around, who am i crushing in the not-looking-out part..

kamal: i cant even focus on other people.. i cant give them importance.. its like i’m lost in my own world.. my work, my hours, my pay, my room, my body, my meals, my soul,(ok maybe not soul, but u know what i mean), my sleep, my sukoon, my wants, my likes, my dislikes is all what i focus on..

and i know, when i wake up from all this, there are people i’ve hurt, that are crused, that NEEDED me, that really just wanted my presence..

i first thought maybe something bad from my past is bugging me and i’m angry at the whole world.. its not even that scenario.

last week i ran into a police-related friend of mine, and i asked him to get me into fire rescue program.. like a first-aid till firefighters arrive.. and i was in the middle of class, and instructor asked: so u spot fire, whats the FIRST thing u’re gonna do? everyone was saying, look if people need help in exiting, old people who cant run towards evac, children..

came my turn, i just blabbed out, ma’am, if i am in that situation, i’m finding NEAREST exit, and i’m beating everyone to it,NOT looking back, closing all doors behind me..

errmmm, selfish on my part (what i thought), turned out it was the right answer, she said, in an ‘emergency’ situation, the 1st person is basically the most important person, and isolation of fire by closing the doors, is the best strategy.. (upon average) cuz if u cant save YOURself (1st person), u cant help others, so get urself out in harmsway 1st.. then she asked, u knew about this right? and i said, neah, i felt it this way, and she was like.. errmmmmm.. u’re like this in real life? and i felt lil awkward in saying, but i said it, that yes..

:hmmm:

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Re: getting immune/developing resistance

still nothing wrong faizy.
give it time.
we go through phases......questioning ourselves and then adjusting when we are ready to.
stop being so critical.

besides....didn't your story about the class prove the point that I was trying to make? That Allah will, one way or another, bring you to the point you need to be at....like it or not.

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Re: getting immune/developing resistance

Faizy, I'm not going to use the one word that most people have used here, which is "selfish". I don't think you're being selfish... you're just growing up. When we're younger, we feel invincible, we want to save the world, we want to be the best kind of friend, but as we grow older, we grow cynical, we realize that the worldy is a $hitty place.

Also, you sound like you're at the age when most men are ready for a life long companion, maybe even children. Maybe you're not fulfilled anymore. Maybe you're going through the "been there, done that" phase where nothing appeals to you. No worries mate, most men go through this. I'm not going to give you the typical desi lecture about finishing college and starting a career because in my opinion, jobs and careers don't make a person.

I would recommend this: Move out, live on your own for a few years. You will learn responsibility and taking care of yourself. Start looking for a companion. And no matter what you do, don't push your family away, I have learned in the last few years that family is the most important thing in your life, second only to God.

Cheers, and don't worry too much about this, from your posts you sound like a good human being... God willing, you will be fine.

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Re: getting immune/developing resistance

Faizy

seclusion, solitude,.. physical or mental are great palces to visit and recharge, not to live. Nothing that you are doing is wrong, but you have to look at how long you are there.

you are not in a selfish mode, but in a self preservation mode, like the fire example you gave. One can not be in self preservation mode for ever, so cutting it short just because, or lengthening it just because is not the answer. Only you really know how much time you need there, but maybe you are objective and it woud not hurt to see someone who helps ppl through these situations.

mumbo jumbo hacks like me on internet can just give you our perspective and support, but are nither knowledgeable about your situation nor are qualifed to really help you sort through this. I would suggest talking to a counselor.

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Re: getting immune/developing resistance

Dude, don’t sell yourself short Fraudia, your mumbo jumbo is very highly respected…

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Re: getting immune/developing resistance

thank you for the vote of confidence, you think I should start charging people? :)