This is just a pattern I’ve noticed amongst family and friends around me, and I’m wondering if it’s true for any of you.
Lately I’ve been concerned about a lot of the teenagers and young adults in my family and friends who have taken to drinking, smoking, drug use, multiple partners, etc, in a way that I just would never have occurred to me. Sure, there is curiosity and there are crushes for anyone as we grow up, and I probably still was naughtier than what my parents would have liked, but I always felt like there was SOMETHING that held me back, and whatever that something was, doesn’t affect some other people, even those from very similar backgrounds.
I know, everyone’s different, but **I’ve also noticed that the people with the most “issues” seem to also be people who have a large gap between them and other siblings. It does make sense that they would be more likely to socialize independently, and for some that may mean experimenting in ways that would be totally unacceptable, given their cultural and religious upbringing.
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Do you notice this trend?
wow. Interesting obeservation. I had a similar discussion with a colleague yesterday.
I was wondering what held me back from things. Although, I also believe I was a bit sillier and naughtier than I had hoped to be.. but even then i still held myself back from a lot of things and I wonder what has happened in the past few years where people dont need to hold back anymore...
in terms of age gap between siblings.. i dunno. I have seen it where some sisters are quite close and if one is upto something, the other will follow her.. but its a huge generalisation on my behalf.
I actually always had a the fear of God... and also, the fear that what if my parents wanted to get me married one day and I got rejected on some basis that they werent aware of.... how lame is that? The main reason was that I was way too fimly and wanted to do everything with my hubby... LOL
yeah with a huge age gap not only is the person displined by parents but bossed around by elder siblings, some of whom have made mistakes and have now become holy so push the younger sibling even more and thus the rebellion is even stronger.
Unfortunately it is true in present age. There can be a number of reasons for such gaps.
One sibling being given more importance by parents (unintentionally) than others on the basis of gender or any good quality in him/ her which leads to silent frustrations in the heart of the one being deprived, so he seeks other sources to vent out his anger. Also it not only creates sense of superiority in one child, but also jealousy in the other.
Quran says that the peace of hearts only lies in remembering Allah. Anyone away from religion is more likely to find other means of satisfaction which act like mirage in the desert. So the struggles continues from one immoral activity to other but satisfaction is not achieved because they are looking for the right thing in the wrong place. everything they see is just their own fantasy and illusion.
Some mishaps in the past not handled in a correct manner, over sensitive people get too hurt due to failure in studies, bad company, bad selection of books, movies, ..........etc.
The solution could be vice versa of the above mentioned reasons. But the ultimate thing is guidance from Allah (s.w.t) which only comes when we seek it, otherwise it would take nights and nights of prayers of parents to bring a person on the right track. So prayers along with efforts (with wisdom) are the keys. I have seen people turning from almost a devil to saint due to sudden change of heart, of course such miracles only happen due to prayers and sincere efforts.
Also I know a family of 9 children in which 8 were going totally in the wrong direction, but one was so strong in character and sincere in his efforts that he pulled all his siblings towards the right path through words of wisdom and sincere prayers and at the same time presenting himself as a practical example through his deeds (and of course by the grace and blessings of Allah (s.w.t)
X2: Although many of the people who I'm thinking of are the younger siblings, some are the oldest. But yes, I do think having so many people disciplining and bossing you around is a big part of it.
It is also the way a child thinks **that has a great impact in his relationship with his siblings. There is a possibility that all the four siblings have very less difference of age, good relationship but totally different ways of looking at life. That effect their mutual discussion and sharing of daily life experiences, and hence weaken their mutual bond. No one wants to talk about his interests with a brother who is totally not interested in listening to him. Here the **tolerance comes into play.
ive noticed that siblings with very little gap between them make the best of friends and have healthy relationships whereas siblings with large gaps between them dont see their siblings as friends rather as someone to repsect or boss around. maybe for parents it works out cuz they can raise one child at a time but like my mom says, agay beechay paida karo thakay saath khel kay baray hojaye .. :)
I have noticed the rebellion you mention with my youngest daughter. Our oldest were born one after another, but there is a gap of almost 4 years between the youngest and the next youngest. I wasn't planning to have any more, so she was our surprise :). She has always had a very bubbly and outgoing personality, particularly when compared to my other children, who are more reserved. The other difference is that I was not home with her as much as I was with the others, and I admit that I have been more indulgent. My son calls her LD, short for 'little dictator'. We have really started to focus on correcting her this summer, as I want to nip this in the bud before it develops into something more serious. She will deliberately do something she is not allowed to, and then act surprised when she is punished, which is incredibly frustrating.
All the best for your little girl. I don't think that you have to be extra strict with her. Sometimes they have plenty of people trying to keep them in line (as X2 pointed out), and not enough people at home who are their friends. Now, parents can't really be purely friends. But I do feel that when siblings are close in age, they are closer emotionally too, but there's more to it. In middle and high school my brother and I weren't that close (we're a year apart), but it always matters to me what he thinks of me and the kind of example I set for him. I had someone who was going through similar things when I was, so I couldn't fool my parents much either :D. Whereas, a child with no siblings in the same age range may form stronger friendships outside the home and with people that are not a positive influence. That being said, I know plenty of children like that that have grown up great. I don't think it's a done deal, but I think it is a concern.
I don't know if this is necessarily true...in my family the birth order is
Me 24 F
Sister 23
Brother 18
Brother 17
Sister age 23 and Brother age 17 are the ones who are more into their friends...less obedient...but they are not 'kharab' per se, just will do their own thing and worry less if they stay a 1/2 hour late.
ive noticed that siblings with very little gap between them make the best of friends and have healthy relationships whereas siblings with large gaps between them dont see their siblings as friends rather as someone to repsect or boss around. maybe for parents it works out cuz they can raise one child at a time but like my mom says, agay beechay paida karo thakay saath khel kay baray hojaye .. :)