getting pass the word clergy or spirtual mentors (and replacing that with role models, from contemporary and historical times related to our community, )
we can also change the factors of post war and american cultural development thru history with the immigrant families’ dynamics.
also getting pass the elaborate talk on getting physical, this article makes some good arguments for making the best of any relationship, such as honest communication, empathy and sensitivity to feelings sounds rational but is it taken as such?
any thoughts on whether people can relate to what is being said here and how they will read it in an understanding way?
dushwari
For many of us, developing and maintaining a satisfying, long-term relationship with a “significant other” is one of the greatest challenges we face in life. However we define commitment, many of us long for the sense of intimacy, shared responsibility and fulfillment that comes from knowing we have a life-long, loving partner. Yet most of us, at some stage of our lives, will be disillusioned with the quality of our relationships. This is true whether we are still searching for the one “right” partner, find ourselves separated or divorced, or are years into a reasonably happy marriage. Often, this dissatisfaction with our partner leads to permanent separation, potentially with devastating affects, especially if children are involved. If so many of us want stable, satisfying relationships, why are they so hard to develop and maintain?
We explore some of the reasons why and suggest some basic principles of successful relationships you and your partner may wish to consider adopting. We also offer a list of resources for outside help if your relationship challenges have become greater than you can resolve on your own.
Modern-day dilemmas
Some relationship challenges are linked to recent changes in cultural norms. For example, our culture reinforces unrealistic expectations that relationships should always “feel good”, so that when inevitable difficult periods occur, couples may not believe that conflict in relationships is normal and needs to be worked out. Combined with increasing social acceptance of separation and divorce, people may be choosing to end their relationship in search of something that “feels better,” only to find that the same issues follow them to their next relationship.
Other modern developments have increased certain types of external stressors for couples. For example, in the last 40 years in America, changing male and female roles within a marriage have offered some freedom of choice to both partners, but can create tension between competing priorities at certain stages of life. We need to negotiate responsibilities within the partnership for everything from day-to-day chores to child care to financial planning. Each of these decisions offers an opportunity for you and your partner to bond, or can breed resentments which build up over time if unresolved.
Also contributing to stress in relationships is the post-war phenomenon (in our case, immigrant families) of living far from one’s family of origin, where you may have less financial and emotional support and relatively loose ties to the community. You may feel further isolated if your extended families have trouble accepting your relationship, as may happen in the case of gay and lesbian or interfaith unions. Increasingly common, intercultural relationships leave couples with additional challenges of unmatched cultural norms and expectations.
Technological developments may also contribute to a couple’s distress in a society which increasingly devalues patience and cooperation, leaving us confused about what to reasonably expect from a long-term partner. As yet unknown are the cumulative effects on relationship skills of such modern developments as e-mail (supplanting voice-contact with another human being), text-messaging (creating the expectation of instant response), and cyber-communities in which people adopt alter-egos to interact with each other in pseudo-relationships they can abandon with the click of a button as soon as an uncomfortable feeling arises.
Other relationship challenges are age-old
Financial difficulties, as well as differences in attitudes towards money, have long been a marital stressor across socio-economic levels. Money problems raise practical dilemmas, as well as strong emotions like fear for survival, anger about failed expectations, and shame about loss of status. Other external stressors such as job loss, illness and death in the family may leave a couple in an acute crisis from which they eventually reach a new, stronger status quo, but also may derail a relationship. Such crises can test the couple for the same reasons they test the individual: they challenge us to cope with severe practical challenges at a time when we are feeling most vulnerable.
Besides external factors, sometimes personal factors threaten a relationship, such as an individual’s limited capacity for intimacy. Avoidance of growth in oneself and in the relationship may be subtle, such as an individual whose unconscious desire to avoid his or her spouse results in long hours at the office; or it may be more obvious, such as when alcohol or drug abuse makes it impossible to engage in the emotional give-and-take of a mature relationship. In these situations, the other partner may start to feel abandoned or that he or she is “outgrowing” the relationship, and without an intervention that offers an opportunity for reconciliation, the relationship may continue to deteriorate.
Can we predict if a partner will be compatible over a lifetime?
There are many articles in the popular press with common-sense advice about how to determine if you and your loved-one are compatible. They aim to reveal whether you share basic values and spiritual beliefs, as well as expectations about such fundamentals as: Where will we live? Do we want children, and if so, who will care for them? How will we manage our finances? Do we have similar expectations of our sexual relationship? Sometimes overlooked is the importance of sharing a interest, so that during times of stress you can come together around an activity or lifestyle you both find enjoyable. Although your answers to any of these questions may reasonably change over time, it makes sense to wait to make a commitment until you feel confident of your own and your partner’s desires in at least some of these core areas.
Even assuming a basic level of compatibility, though, many couples report that maintaining a satisfying relationship is their hardest job in life! This is because we choose partners not only for their compatibility as defined above, but also because they fulfill unconscious emotional needs at the time–to be needed or to be taken care of, to escape loneliness, or to establish status in the community, to name a few. A relationship may feel right to both partners because of the complementarity of their emotional needs at the time. But healthy human beings continue to mature throughout life, and their emotional needs–conscious and unconscious–change as well. When our emotional development is not in tune with our partner’s, which is inevitable at some point during a life-long relationship, the result can be conflict, feelings of anger or sadness, feelings of betrayal, and other stressful emotions for one or both parties. A satisfying life-long relationship needs to accommodate these stressful periods for both partners and indeed is one of our greatest challenges as human beings.
Principles of long-term stability and satisfaction in relationships
Given the diversity of faiths, values, and cultural norms in our society, it is no easy task to develop a list of universal principles that apply to all long-term relationships. Indeed, the principles developed below are culture-bound, as they reflect a particular set of values and norms. First and foremost, they reflect the assumption that there is no proper place for physical, sexual or emotional abuse of any kind in human relationships. They also reflect a deep respect for the dignity of each individual, regardless of race, gender, level of education, and other aspects of our identities which can result in power differentials within a relationship. Finally, these principles confer on both partners mutual, responsibility for trying to make a relationship work. While these principles would be most effective if practiced by both partners, they can sometimes improve a relationship even if initially followed by only one partner.
Communication — Couples often rate open communication as an important way to prevent underlying resentments from building into crises. Sometimes, one partner must learn a basic life-skill, like feeling entitled to ask for what he or she wants. Other times, the challenge is to express anger in an acceptable way, which may involve learning first to recognize that one is angry or, conversely, learning to calm down before attempting to have a conversation. The basic rules of thumb when discussing hot topics are to keep accusations and insults (”You’re lazy”) to a minimum; make as many “I” statements as possible (”I feel like I do more than my share of the housework”); ask questions (”Do you think the way we split up responsibilities is fair?”); and listen to the other person’s point of view, even if you disagree (”I hear you saying that since you work late sometimes, you shouldn’t have to do laundry…do I have that right?”).
Empathy — Understanding one another’s point of view, not only intellectually, but on a “feelings” level, is central to building an intimate relationship. Unless you and your partner can empathize with each other’s feelings much of the time, it will be very difficult to build a bridge of mutual respect, trust, and support. One key challenge to true empathy arises when our partners’ emotions feel threatening to us, causing us or deny their validity as a way of protecting ourselves. In this case, getting whatever support you each need to resolve the fear or grief you trigger in each other can in turn relieve pressure on the relationship.
Acceptance — This principle is equally important to adopt toward oneself as it is towards one’s partner. Acknowledging that no human being can fulfill all of our needs all of the time helps us to tolerate the least perfect stages of our relationship, when we are just becoming aware of and learning to navigate our core differences. An accepting posture acknowledges that each individual in a relationship, as well as the relationship itself, is a “work in progress”. Allowing and respecting the differences we discover without feeling overly threatened by them is part of the process of building trust and stability with a partner over a long period of time, and can help provide an environment in which both individuals can mature at their own pace, without needing to grow permanently apart.
Kindness — With intimacy can come knowing our partner’s core vulnerabilities, and revealing our own, to our partners and ourselves. Perhaps the ultimate kindness is choosing, as often as we can, not to take advantage of that knowledge to hurt our partner, and giving credit to our partner when he or she makes that same choice for us. One motivation to stay committed through the low points in a relationship is that, over many years, these accumulated kindnesses breed mutual trust, gratitude and forgiveness.
What to do if your relationship is in trouble
Talk-As difficult as it might be to speak frankly with your partner about the hot points in your relationship, opening the lines of communication is essential to breaking through an impasse. If resentments have built up over a long time, you both may be feeling deeply hurt or angry, so these early conversations may not be easy. If communication has been lacking in the relationship, the goal of early talks may be to make your point of view understood, and to understand that of your partner, before trying to either forgive each other or reach a solution which works for both of you. Setting ground rules, such as prohibitions on abusive language or threats, may be a way of making early conversations emotionally safe for both parties.
Listen — Sometime when we are very hurt or angry, it is hard to listen fully to another person’s point of view. We may not feel our partner has the right to his or her own “grievances” because we feel so aggrieved ourselves. Or we may misinterpret what our partner is saying or doing because of our own biases or frame of mind. Making a safe space for your partner to tell you what he or she is hurt or angry about is equally important to being honest about your own point of view. If your only goal is to express your anger or make your partner “pay” for past hurts, try to vent some of that energy elsewhere so that you are better able to sit down to a truly two-way conversation.
Be open to change — Often, the underlying source of conflict is not one person’s “wrong” behavior, but a mismatch between two partners’ needs or expectations. Sometimes the “change” needed in oneself might be as subtle as noticing and learning to love what one’s partner has to give rather than dwelling on what he or she does not. If each partner is willing to examine his or own contribution to a conflict and tries to compromise, many conflicts can be resolved.
Make time for each other — Intimate relationships require a certain amount of nurturance, all the more if you are experiencing a rough patch. Try to make a time commitment to each other that cannot be interrupted by work, children or other distractions. Some couples carve out such “relationship time” every day, whether it is at a meal or after the kids have gone to sleep. Others plan a weekly or “date night.” Even just 15 minutes lying awake together every night before falling asleep might be enough. There is no formula for the “right” frequency or length of this time together, but ideally it should be time for relating to each other rather than, for example, watching the same television show in the same room at the same time.
Focus on the physical — Physical estrangement can be a sign of emotional estrangement. Sometimes one partner unconsciously withholds sex out of anger, or is afraid to tell the partner that their sexual relationship is unsatisfactory. At the same time, frequent sex can mask a lack of emotional intimacy that both partners are loath to discuss. Try to come to a mutual decision about whether making changes (either temporary or permanent) to your physical relationship might better serve you both emotionally.
Ask someone you trust for help — Sometimes input from people who care about us and who have a fresh perspective can help relieve the pressure, calm us down, and offer sound advice. If you have friends or family members whose relationship skills you admire, talk to them, either individually (while respecting your partner’s confidentiality) or as a couple. You may be surprised, and relieved, to find that a couple you respect has dealt with, and survived, similar issues to your own. Clergy or other spiritual mentors (role models) may also provide useful guidance and recommendations of books or films which can help.
