- If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
- The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
- Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
- Children: You spend the first 3 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 15 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
- The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
- Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”. What’s my mother going to do?
- The sole purpose of a child’s middle name, is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.
- Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
- Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.
- I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
- I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
Add your own. 
