Funnest thing you will read!!! Smile Miserable guppies, you know who you are! :)

Lifestyle Relationships
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With the constant doom and gloom surrounding this forum of the GS world I thought to post it here. Mods may choose to move it as they are all knowing but I thought it would get more coverage here..

So here you go:

A sample:

Dear Jane, I do not have any money so am sending you this drawing I did of a spider instead.
I read recently of a ‘qualified’ chiropractor that has been using distance healing for quite some time, claiming he can heal you from his living room. There’s no need to visit his office, just call or write and he will do the rest. Apparently he discovered his special chiropractic skill while he was in his car; his foot hurt and he told it to realign itself. I did not make this up.

From: Jane Gilles
Date: Wednesday 8 Oct 2008 12.19pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Overdue account

Dear David,
Our records indicate that your account is overdue by the amount of $233.95. If you have already made this payment please contact us within the next 7 days to confirm payment has been applied to your account and is no longer outstanding.
Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles
From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 8 Oct 2008 12.37pm
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Overdue account

Dear Jane,
I do not have any money so am sending you this drawing I did of a spider instead. I value the drawing at $233.95 so trust that this settles the matter.
Regards, David.

From: Jane Gilles
**Date: **Thursday 9 Oct 2008 10.07am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Overdue account

Dear David,
Thank you for contacting us. Unfortunately we are unable to accept drawings as payment and your account remains in arrears of $233.95. Please contact us within the next 7 days to confirm payment has been applied to your account and is no longer outstanding.
Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles
From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 10.32am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Overdue account

Dear Jane,
Can I have my drawing of a spider back then please.
Regards, David.
From: Jane Gilles
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 11.42am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Overdue account

Dear David,
You emailed the drawing to me. Do you want me to email it back to you?
Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles
From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 11.56am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Overdue account

Dear Jane,
Yes please.
Regards, David.
From: Jane Gilles
**Date: **Thursday 9 Oct 2008 12.14pm
**To: **David Thorne
**Subject: **Re: Re: Re: Re: Overdue account

Attached <spider.gif>

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 09.22am
To: Jane Gilles
**Subject: **Whose spider is that?

Dear Jane,
Are you sure this drawing of a spider is the one I sent you? This spider only has seven legs and I do not feel I would have made such an elementary mistake when I drew it.
Regards, David.
From: Jane Gilles
Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 11.03am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Whose spider is that?

Dear David,
Yes it is the same drawing. I copied and pasted it from the email you sent me on the 8th. David your account is still overdue by the amount of $233.95.
Please make this payment as soon as possible.
Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles
From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 11.05am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Automated Out of Office Response

Thankyou for contacting me.
I am currently away on leave, traveling through time and will be returning last week.
Regards, David.
From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 11.08am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?

Hello, I am back and have read through your emails and accept that despite missing a leg, that drawing of a spider may indeed be the one I sent you. I realise with hindsight that it is possible you rejected the drawing of a spider due to this obvious limb ommission but did not point it out in an effort to avoid hurting my feelings. As such, I am sending you a revised drawing with the correct number of legs as full payment for any amount outstanding. I trust this will bring the matter to a conclusion.
Regards, David.

From: Jane Gilles
Date: Monday 13 Oct 2008 2.51pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?

Dear David,
As I have stated, we do not accept drawings in lei of money for accounts outstanding. We accept cheque, bank cheque, money order or cash. Please make a payment this week to avoid incurring any additional fees.
Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles
From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 13 Oct 2008 3.17pm
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?

I understand and will definitely make a payment this week if I remember. As you have not accepted my second drawing as payment, please return the drawing to me as soon as possible. It was silly of me to assume I could provide you with something of completely no value whatsoever, waste your time and then attach such a large amount to it.
Regards, David.
From: Jane Gilles
Date: Tuesday 14 Oct 2008 11.18am
To: David Thorne
**Subject: **Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?

Attached <spider2.gif>

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Re: Funnest thing you will read!!! Smile Miserable guppies, you know who you are! :)

thats funny xD

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Re: Funnest thing you will read!!! Smile Miserable guppies, you know who you are! :)

I know :)

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Re: Funnest thing you will read!!! Smile Miserable guppies, you know who you are! :)

A sad sad day for humanity :(

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Funnest thing you will read!!! Smile Miserable guppies, you know who you are! :)

Lol, the joke ended abruptly though haina

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Re: Funnest thing you will read!!! Smile Miserable guppies, you know who you are! :slight_smile:

From: Simon Dempsey
Date: Monday 13 February 2012 9.11am
**To: **David Thorne
Subject: Timesheets
Did you use my desk while I was away? You’re not allowed to go on my computer. I can tell someone used it because I shut it down before I left and pulled out the power cord but it was on this morning and where is my mousepad and what is this **** drawn on my desk?
I need to collect everyones time sheets for last week as well. Have you done them?
**From: **David Thorne
Date: Monday 13 February 2012 9.52am
To: Simon Dempsey
Subject: Re: Timesheets

Good morning Simon,
No, I have decided not to do time-sheets anymore. I’m not a robot. As your new token responsibility as time-sheet collector is essentially the office equivalent of placing an OCD child in charge of equally spaced fridge-magnet distribution to keep it occupied while The View is on, this saves you from having to bother with the whole embarrassing process.
Also, while I generally avoid going anywhere near your cubicle of sorrow, lest the lack of atmosphere suck me in and cause my eyes to pop out like in that Arnold Schwarzenegger movie where he is on Mars and his eyes pop out, I was required to access your computer in your absence due to a client’s request for files.
I actually missed you while you were away. To counter this, I placed a plank of wood in your chair and wrote ‘Simon’ on it. He said I could use your stuff.
Regards, David.

From: Simon Dempsey
Date: Monday 13 February 2012 10.05am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Timesheets

YOURE NOT ALLOWED TO USE MY COMPUTER. What client needed a file off my computer? Youre not allowed to put things on the walls in the foyer either. It leaves holes. It was a waste of time anyway because I took it straight down. Some of us have work to do you know.
And you don’t just get to choose if you do your time sheets or not . You’re not special. Its the rules and accounts need them to bill the client properly. I’ve been here longer than you and I put my time sheets in every week. Everyone has to do them.

  1. YOURE NOT ALLOWED NOT TOUCH MY COMPUTER
  2. DO NOT USE MY STUFF
  3. YOU HAVE TO DO YOUR TIMESHEETS. EVERYONE DOES.
    I took a photo of my desk and am going to email it to Jennifer. Is it permanent marker? And where are my pens dickhead?
    From: David Thorne
    Date: Monday 13 February 2012 11.08am
    **To: **Simon Dempsey
    Subject: Re: Re: Re: Timesheets

Dear Simon,
I understand that following a set of rules saves you from having to make decisions but, as you are well aware, all b*****ng services provided by this company are charged at a fixed quote and price. As such, time spent doing time-sheets might be better spent questioning the logic of requiring time-sheets to calculate a fee that has already been agreed upon. Or cleaning your desk.
I once read about five monkeys that were placed in a room with a banana at the top of a set of stairs. As one monkey attempted to climb the stairs, all of the monkeys were sprayed with jets of cold water. A second monkey made an attempt and again the monkeys were sprayed. No more monkeys attempted to climb the stairs. One of the monkeys was then removed from the room and replaced with a new monkey. New monkey saw the banana and started to climb the stairs but to its surprise, it was attacked by the other monkeys. Another of the original monkeys was replaced and the newcomer was also attacked when he attempted to climb the stairs. The previous newcomer took part in the punishment with enthusiasm. Replacing a third original monkey with a new one, it headed for the stairs and was attacked as well. Half of the monkeys that attacked him had no idea why. After replacing the fourth and fifth original monkeys, none had ever been sprayed with cold water but all stayed the **** away from the stairs.
Being here longer than me doesn’t automatically make your adherence to a rule, or the rule itself, right. It makes you the fifth replacement monkey. The one with the weird red arse and the first to point and screech when anyone approaches the stairs. I would be the sixth monkey, at home in bed trying to come up with a viable excuse not to spend another fruitless day locked in a room with five neurotic monkeys.
Regardless, you will be pleased to learn that due to your absence last week leaving me with a spare hour per day, which is usually dedicated to staring at the back of your head with one eye closed doing that thing with your thumb and finger where you squash it, I did do my time-sheets. Please find attached.
Regards, David.

MONDAY
9am
Arrived at work. Considered staying home in bed but, with Simon being away this week, there is no real reason to be absent. Checked production schedule. Completed my work for the week.
4pm
Cleaned my mouse.
5pm
Left for the day.
TUESDAY
10am
Arrived at work. Answered the phone on Simon’s desk with “Hello, this is Simon Dempsey speaking. How may I be of help to you?” Told client I would have a pdf to them “as quick as a cheetah.”
10.30am
Accessed Simon’s computer using his secret password ‘Archmage’ in order to locate and send requested pdf to client. Sent. Read Simon’s emails. Replied to his mother regarding her question about what to get Auntie Maureen for her birthday. Recommended jumping castle.
11.30am
Attempted to log into Simon’s Facebook. Clicked ‘send me my password’. Checked Simon’s email. Logged into Simon’s Facebook.
Changed status to single. Sent Karen a message saying “Ignore the status change. We haven’t broken up. I just don’t want anyone to know I have a girlfriend.”
Looked at pictures Simon uploaded of himself in a boat. Googled the names of the two guys in Miami Vice. Tagged Simon’s nipples ‘Sony’ and ‘Chubbs’.
4pm
Left for the day.
WEDNESDAY
11am
Arrived at work. Read about Emperor penguins on Wikipedia while having my morning coffee at Simon’s desk. Drew pictures of penguins.

file:///C:\Users\javad\AppData\Local\Temp\msohtmlclip1\01\clip_image003.jpg

11.30am
Realised the permanent Sharpie I was drawing with had penetrated the paper and Simon’s desk now had eighteen penguins saying ‘Hey’ on it. Hunting for something to clean it with, I used the key Simon hides behind the framed photo of his cat Lady Diana to unlock his top drawer. Found Star Wars Lego. Recreated the scene from the movie where, during a light-saber duel, Vader cuts off Luke’s right hand, reveals that he is his father, and entreats him to convert to the dark side so they can rule the galaxy as father and son. Lost Luke’s hand behind Simon’s desk.
12.30pm
Chased and killed a bee in the office with Simon’s mousepad rolled into a tube while making light-saber noises. Closed Simon’s window.
12.45pm
Thought about the bee’s family waiting expectantly at home for his return. Gave them names. Imagined Bradley rushing into his mother’s outstretched arms, bewailing, “I miss him so much” and Brenda replying, “I know Bradley, I miss him too.”
Performed ceremony. There was cake. Constructed a small funereal pyre on Simon’s desk out of a paperclip, placed Ben’s small lifeless body on top, mentioned his selfless determination to provide for his family, and set it alight.
Unfortunately, I was only into the first verse of Bohemian Rhapsody, the only church song I know, when Ben’s body popped like a corn kernel and flew behind the desk. Unsure if he was still alight, I poured coffee down after him. Realising nobody has ever been behind the desk due to its size and position against a rear wall, I also dropped the remains of the cake and the plate down the back to save me having to walk into the kitchen. Accidently knocked Simon’s pencils down there as well. And then his mousepad.
3pm
Left for the day.
THURSDAY
12pm
Arrived at work.
1pm
Sat in Simon’s chair without my pants on.
2pm
Left for the day.
FRIDAY
Called in sick. Went shopping. Bought a Keurig.
**From: **Simon Dempsey
**Date: **Monday 13 February 2012 11.29am
**To: **David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Timesheets

Thanks for the evidence dickhead. I emailed that to Jennifer and i changed my password. I am making a formal complaint. Stay off my computer or I will punch you in the throat. I am serious. Are you going to get my stuff out from behind the desk?
**From: **David Thorne
Date: Monday 13 February 2012 11.41am
**To: **Simon Dempsey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Timesheets

Dear Simon,
I wish I had the time. Some of us have work to do and time sheets to complete. I have attached today’s should you wish to also email to Jennifer.
Regards, David.
MONDAY
9am
Arrived at work. I feel it is important to set a good example for the other staff through promptness.
9.11am
Received a series of rather vicious emails from Simon, which began with accusations, insults, questions and demands, and degraded into actual threats of bodily harm. This was after I told him I had missed him while he was away. I find this unprovoked animosity disappointing and would have expected more from the employee of the month.
11.30am
Filled out these time sheets as it is part of the job and allows production to bill the client accordingly. Finding it difficult to concentrate on job priorities today due to the negative environment Simon has created, so will be leaving at lunch time.
From: Simon Dempsey
**Date: **Monday 13 February 2012 11.53am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Timesheets

Good. I wont have to see your ugly head if you go early. Youre the one who will get in trouble dickhead.
From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 13 February 2012 12.09pm
**To: **Simon Dempsey
**Subject: **Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Timesheets

Restored attachments:

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Re: Funnest thing you will read!!! Smile Miserable guppies, you know who you are! :)

another one!