Yoko I understand short hand and everything but unfortunately not many do and even if they do sometimes it just gets a big headache to read short hand.
Have you read that study in psychology that if a word is written and you read just the first and last letter of the word you are most likely to know what the word is? It helps to have written full words. Makes understanding long posts easier. Also some structuring, like writing in paragraphs. It is not about whether you are giving an english examination or not, it is what matters to you, what makes you better convey your message to the general populace.
And I agree with everyone saying that you should give him some space and delay the wedding for awhile. Keep on seeing if he is serious or not in marrying you but at the same time do not pressurise him or his parents. Hold your parents off for awhile and in the meantime you can do a short diploma course or something while you are waiting for him to finish studies.
However, I will have to add that my personal stance against long distance relationships is negative. But that is my personal opinion. Good luck to you.
Funny thing is I myself am in a long distance relationship from the past 3 4 years. First was engaged to him and now nikkahfied. However, at least I am married. : )
You** NEED** to understand that marriage involves and affects TWO people. So, it's unfair of you to expect him to be ready about a life-altering situation just because you are facing pressure from your family.
Do you really want to** marry someone/be proposed** when the current atmosphere in your relationship is tense? Do you want to marry a guy who is only proposing to you because he felt "PRESSURED" to do it.......or do you want to marry a guy who is proposing you because he sincerely loves you and wants to spend the rest of his life with you?
Your constant nagging him about marriage is unfortunately making you look desperate and insecure.....and these two qualities are NOT attractive in either men or women. And men especially get turned off by it. So, you need to take a break from this guy and GIVE HIM A CHANCE TO MISS YOU. So, stop calling him, stop texting him, stop e-mailing him. Just get yourself busy in other things in your life. Give the guy some time and some distance to CLEAR HIS HEAD and think about what he wants to do in his life in regards to you.
And it's understandable that your parents want to get you married. Even girls who don't have boyfriends feel the pressure of the rishta process. So what if your parents are going to look for you? Relax!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This doesn't mean that the very first rishta you get is going to be a definite YES. It doesn't mean that you're definitely going to marry the 1st **or **2nd or even 3rd that comes to your house.
Your boyfriend is not settled in his career yet. So, either he doesn't want to get married because he's not ready yet. Or he's not sincerely serious about you. You will soon find out the reason after you GIVE HIM A BREAK and *LEAVE HIM ALONE! Does your boyfriend know that your parents will be searching matches for you soon? * If he does, that's good. This knowledge might motivate him to take some action......if he truly loves you. And if he doesn't want to marry you......then you will move and find someone worth your time. But please give him some space and take a break yourself. When we constantly bother people....we turn them off and do more damage than good.
Its not like he doesn't know, his parents know since even before mine. They have talked to mine since 2 years and he agreed himself that its what he wanted from day 1 infact he wanted to asap as he could. Its just when it comes to discussing things further now that his education is nearing completion i have to bring it up so we can move on and not wait around. Is that so wrong for me to remind him that he has to commit so we can move to the next stage of our relationship? He wants us to get married yet when it comes to taking some action with his family its 'pressure'. I had to convince my parents he was rite for me when i told them (which was in between my studies) and it wasn't easy them accepting as I had relatives proposing already. Yet regardless of what my parents went through i took all the action i had 2 so this could happen so there wouldn't be problems n delay from my side. He knows i won't consider anyone else and that i luv him and my insecurity probably does show but thats only because i want us to be together to put an end to all this long distance pain! I am giving him time and staying away from him because I agree it must hav become off putting. Thanks for your advice.
Your boyfriend knows his family better than you do. There are many things to consider about a marriage....such as career, where you will live, families, etc. Maybe he's waiting for a more suitable time to approach his parents. you don't live with him so you don't know all the details.
And people can change. Often times, a decision that we made so confidently a few years ago....can change a few months later. You might decide to major in medicine two years back and then decide to change your major. Know what I mean? Maybe now that he's completing his education, he's probably thinking of getting settled in his career before proposing. You never know. Decisions are sometimes tentative....prone to change.
Most people have told you to take a break....and for good reasons. Taking a break will allow you to clear your head, relax, and sort out your feelings. Plus it will allow him the chance to "miss you" and think about what he needs to do in his life regarding you.
I will say that I don't have a good feeling about his parents. Are you sure that his parents want you as a daughter-in-law? Or do you think that they might have some reservations about you? Long-distance relationships are tough.
Give him a break. And eventually you will find out that he's either interested in marrying you or he isn't. And if it turns out that he doesn't want to marry you....then it's best to find this out earlier. You deserve someone who is sure about wanting to be with you. You shouldn't settle for anything less than that. Best wishes.
yehh..things seem complicated with his parents even though they have agreed. He doesn't tell me when i ask, so how will i know there are problems when he won't tell me? I know i get insecure because at first i was reassured that they will be fine etc he knew what us telling them would mean for both of us. I hoped it would be for the best because the earlier my family knew the better so they could understand i have to reject other proposals and wait for him. so we waited n now as mine want to get things sorted its getting to them n they are taking it out on me. They talk through things like it is arranged but still when his mum doesn't phone etc i get questioned lol All i know is that he doesn't communicate well with his mum but his going to have to soon if he wants to stick to his decision as you said they can change with time. Hopfully it won't n we shall get over it. See what happens InshAllah we'll get married soon! Thanks
As i said earlier, something seems fishy about his parents. He knows his parents better than you, so let him handle them. And one more advice: Keep in mind that desi culture is VERY CONSERVATIVE. And in our culture, a girl who is too forward about a proposal is thought of as being chalaak (clever) or shameful. Please, don't talk to his parents about the proposal by yourself. This is a formal discussion that should be handled by the elders in the family. So....just keep quiet. And let the adults from your family handle it. If your parents are curious about what is going on at their end....let them be the ones to talk to his parents. You shouldn't talk to his parents about a proposal and from now on, don't push the matter. Let your boyfriend and his parents get their act together and let the communication between parents of both families take place. For the sake of your reputation.....don't push the proposal issue any more. That will make you look desperate in the eyes of his parents....and you don't want any body spreading rumors about you....especially since it's long distance. Let things take their natural course.
Naa, i wouldn't ever do that. If he wants me then he can talk to them and make them understand. Your rite i shouldn't settle for less n be chasing around. Its always different for the girls side neway, just my mum doesn't wana seem too pushy either and wants them to get on with things for the same reasons. Its not about being desperate but you can't blame a girls parents for wanting to get her maried when they know shes got someone, im sure his would want the same for their daughter so they can do complete their 'farz' as they say. My parents sometimes ask me to tell him to sort it out and he doesn't take it on board which makes me look like a fool because its his duty to talk to them if there is an issue. Its not like he hasn't had time or wasn't prepared for this, if i came out with it out the blue and said marry me then i would understand the pressure. But yeh i'm leaving it now.
^ Good, that's exactly what you should do. You don't want him to tell his mommy and daddy that you're pressuring him to send a proposal. That makes you look desperate in their eyes. It's the year 2009, but the same primitive rules still apply: Let the guy do the chasing/proposing.
Keeping a distance enhances the reputation of you and your family. Let your boyfriend "man up" and handle things with his parents. Here is something to consider....explain to your parents that he's in his last year of study. And ask your parents what they think is the best "time frame" to wait for a response. For example, do they think they should wait 1 more month for a response...or maybe 2 more months....or 3 weeks? The good thing about a time frame is that it will allow you to move on....and will prevent you and your family from waiting forever. So, think about it. And perhaps hinting to your boyfriend about a time frame....can help him decide what to do. After hinting.....just back off and maintain a distance, don't contact him. Let him think about it. Maybe he will at least settle on an engagement.
Everyone gave the same advice. And seek peace through prayer. Talk to parents about time frame...give a subtle hint about it to boyfriend.....then back off from him and **don't **contact him, let him take charge and be the one to handle things. That's all I have to say. I'm not going to bug you anymore, lol. I think you feel a bit better and know what you need to do. I know the waiting part is tough....but you'll get through it. My sincere best wishes that things fall into place for you soon! :)
I didn't know other animals other than human beings could type aswell lol well there is no guarantee that an arranged marriage will last either. I think it mainly depends on the people involved and compatibility. As RV said there is so much to consider and I had to think about his situation with his studies etc aswell not just be selfish and start doubting his love just because we couldn't get married straight away because that isn't fair either. Atleast by giving him time and thinking about us I will come to some conclusion, seems like what your saying is that its better to leave behind 2 years and jump into an arranged marriage because that won't make me miserable? If he didn't love me then there would be no reason for him to stay either would there? He wouldn't have told his family and been long gone ages ago. The past has been and present is a struggle but that doesn't mean you throw away everything you feel for each other and decide to live a life of compromise with some stranger. I don't see how that helps!
I can give you examples of arranged marriages that have failed or are dysfunctional. I'm sure you can give me examples of love marriages that have failed.
I can also give you examples of arranged marriages and love marriages that are successful. The BOTTOM LINE is that there will always be exceptions to the generalizations.
One might argue that statistics point out that arranged marriages have a greater chance of succeeding. But one also has to consider that divorce is such a shameful stigma in our society that many desi couples (indian, pakistani, bangladeshi, etc) will quietly endure their miserable marriage for the sake of their children, for the sake of their families, for the sake of survival, and for the sake of preserving their reputation. And even statistics don't account for every situation. Miserable marriages is not something many people like to be open about in more conservative cultures and countries.
And another thing....I've seen couples who are about to have a love marriage but the girl's mom will tell her** NOT** to tell anyone that she had a love marriage. In fact the girl's mother herself will go around and tell people that it was a traditional** "arranged marriage"**. Even facts get deliberately distorted.
I'm not defending love marriages. And I'm not bashing arranged marriages. And I'm not stereotyping. No matter what kind of marriage it is....it's success ultimately depends on the couples'** mutual efforts** to make the marriage work.
thank you! I totally agree with everything you have jus said RV! and i'm feeling alot less frustrated now..reading back at what i 1st posted it sounds weird because now im calmer n less emotional lol
Life is unpredictable, anything can happen. And things don't always go our way because ultimately what we think might be good for us could actually be harmful. It's good that you're taking a break, as many have suggested that. But understand that you should be prepared for any outcome. He might propose within your time frame. He might negotiate a time frame with you. He might even end the relationship. So be ready for anything and pray for the best.
Just to let u know he text me earlier and i could tell he wanted to talk about things and since he made the effort i got back to him. He asked about me not speaking to him so i thought we could have a mature discussion and i said 'because thats the only way i can give you the space you want as i can't help my feelings at times and last thing we need is to keep arguing and getting stressed out while your trying to study'. He said 'ok so when are you going to chat to me properly again?' so i said whenever he feels ready, i will wait till all his exams are over if it avoids us having problems (as i would not have contacted him for awile anyway). He really appreciated this and said he is proud of me and loves me loads. He reminded me that i've waited this long and its just a matter of few months now so i have to be patient and not get insecure because he isn't going anywhere lol. He said he misses me and to take care/look after myself/eat properly as he knows i tend not to when im depressed. I said i will because iv gt to be strong now and get through. I prayed that we would sort this out without us having to part ways only if that would be better for us. But Allhumdulillaah we were able to talk and stay positive. I've decided even if my parents keep bothering me about engagement etc i'm just going to tell them to go directly to his parents because his got exams and i can't do his head in about it till they over (and then i'll make up for it!) lol thanks everyone for your advice/views :)
Just to let u know he text me earlier and i could tell he wanted to talk about things and since he made the effort i got back to him. He asked about me not speaking to him so i thought we could have a mature discussion and i said 'because thats the only way i can give you the space you want as i can't help my feelings at times and last thing we need is to keep arguing and getting stressed out while your trying to study'. He said 'ok so when are you going to chat to me properly again?' so i said whenever he feels ready, i will wait till all his exams are over if it avoids us having problems (as i would not have contacted him for awile anyway). He really appreciated this and said he is proud of me and loves me loads. He reminded me that i've waited this long and its just a matter of few months now so i have to be patient and not get insecure because he isn't going anywhere lol. He said he misses me and to take care/look after myself/eat properly as he knows i tend not to when im depressed. I said i will because iv gt to be strong now and get through. I prayed that we would sort this out without us having to part ways only if that would be better for us. But Allhumdulillaah we were able to talk and stay positive. I've decided even if my parents keep bothering me about engagement etc i'm just going to tell them to go directly to his parents because his got exams and i can't do his head in about it till they over (and then i'll make up for it!) lol thanks everyone for your advice/views :)
Wooohooooo!!!!!!! Yay!!!!!! Good girl!!! You did a nice job with the responses that you gave him, Yoko. You basically told him that you understand that importance of giving him a break since he's stressed out with exams. And he APPRECIATED your understanding and showed you some understanding and reassurance in return. That is great!
And I like the way you plan to handle it with your parents. Any talks about rishta should always be handled by the girls parents.....to safeguard her reputation. So, if your parents bug you about him....tell them to talk the rishta issues with his parents** AND** also remind your parents to please be considerate of the fact that he is studying for his final year exams right now and that it would be best to delay any discussions until his exams are over.
Just make that kind suggestion to your parents. Because I'm sure THEY wouldn't like it if someone was disturbing their own daughter during her exams.
Overall, nice work, YOKO! And best wishes for a speedy and smooth settlement of affairs!
