I have a friend whom I have been coaching and mentoring over the years. She is now in a fulltime job that she really loves mashaAllah.
I am about to start up my consultancy company so that I can work as much or little that I please and can be home with my baby boy for most of the time. I spoke to this friend about it and she basically knows my business idea without any details. The thing is that she is interested in the same field and suddenly she has also started to state that she wants to do the same.
When I told her about my first potential customer she was really happy, but her remarks make me wonder whether she is happy for me or happy for the chance she might get through me cuz she said “congrats, just grab her and learn from her and I will grab you and learn from you” -I have really thought a lot about her remark and behaviour in general and I feel like she just doesnt let go of me cuz of the opportunites she gets through me…
Today she called and spoke about a programme she had attended today. She was really exited. When I told her that I have been planning to run same kind of programmes, she suddenly stopped talking about the content of the programme and when I asked her directly about the content her reply was “I dont remember now, there was so many things presented today” not really her style as she doesnt forget things that easily.
I dont why but I feel offended that she doesnt want to share things with me. She might be considering me as a comptetitor but she is in fulltime job and doesnt need the money from the consultancy company as I do…
She is someone I have built up. I have been her mentor through the past 5 years coaching her in various areas building up her self confidence, making sure that she gets into the programmes that can develop her. The 2 leadership programmes she was part of was because of me. The job that she has now is because I pushed her to apply and then I recommended her to my friend who knew the guys hiring. I feel that I have done hell of a job in this persons success and when she really has a chance to payback some of it she starts behaving like this.
and yes I did help her and expected payback so I am no angel who helped her and didnt expect a **** back.
I am wondering if she is a good friend, am I a bad friend/ person for expecting her to payback? Honestly this really could be her way of lifting me and showing some kind of goodwill!!!
She knows my job situation and knows that my only income source will be from my company…
I have a few friends who are in the same business as I or in similar arenas. The way I handle it is I never talk business. I never talk about customers or business. Its always a dance around that specific topic but never that topic.
And you know what? That's perfectly fine. Just because you're in the same field doesn't mean you cannot be friends...you just need to manage your expectations.
And you...have some unreasonable expectations from the world Chameli.
I don't understand why you think she would pay you back when she's in the same field and doing the exact same thing. What is she supposed to do? Hand you clients she could profit from? Does that not go against common sense?
You should be happy that your hard labor has worked and she has become business savy and smart enough not to share trade secrets.
Now about the seminar she attended , what is stopping you from attending that same seminar , you will get first hand information instead of second hand information about that seminar she attended.
I have a few friends who are in the same business as I or in similar arenas. The way I handle it is I never talk business. I never talk about customers or business. Its always a dance around that specific topic but never that topic.
And you know what? That's perfectly fine. Just because you're in the same field doesn't mean you cannot be friends...you just need to manage your expectations.
And you...have some unreasonable expectations from the world Chameli.
I don't understand why you think she would pay you back when she's in the same field and doing the exact same thing. What is she supposed to do? Hand you clients she could profit from? Does that not go against common sense?
I think you got me wrong here. I dont expect her to share her clients. She keeps talking about the business and asks me of things so that when I ask her something during the conversation she turns silent..that made me think!!!
You should be happy that your hard labor has worked and she has become business say and smart enough not to share trade secrets.
Now about the seminar she attended , what is stopping you from attending that same seminar , you will get first hand information instead of second hand information about that seminar she attended.
hahahaa yeah:D
She attended it through her job...not open for outsiders...that itself wasnt a big deal...I was just upset about her remarks and behaviour as I felt a mismatch between what she wants to offer and what she expects from me to share!
She attended it through her job...not open for outsiders...that itself wasnt a big deal...I was just upset about her remarks and behaviour as I felt a mismatch between what she wants to offer and what she expects from me to share!
No problem , tell her that she has graduated from your mentoring with flying colors and she is on her own now. Also tell her you have to spread more good in world and are mentoring others and do not have time to mentor her anymore. Find someone else to mentor and make sure that you do not teach them all the tricks. :D
While you helped your friend get her foot in the door, it doesn't just end there. Much of her success depends upon her own capabilities and that's a humbling reminder. Same goes for you, Chameli. People may have helped you in various ways, but your own efforts determine your staying power.
When this woman told you that she would grab you and learn from you, she was being clear about her intentions. So, you don't need to wonder what she's up to, as she's told you. At least she's honest enough to admit that, cuz not everybody does so.
I think it's better if you guys avoid discussing details about work. Today you feel that she should have shared details about the program. And if she had done that, then in the future she might feel that you owe her for this favor. You both will just end up going back and forth like this with one person being let down and the other being on their guard, and it's hard to maintain a friendship when there's competition.
So, something's gotta change. You either tell her that you prefer not to bring work into your friendship and set boundaries, or you develop a tougher skin and accept that not everyone in your life will be courteous enough to return the favors you did them. Sometimes it's because they just don't realize or care to, and other times some majooori or circumstance prevents them. Since it's easier for us to control ourselves than others, an adjustment in our expectations can reduce the anxiety. If you feel that you're being taken advantage of, then limit how much information you want to share, but don't burn bridges.
While you helped your friend get her foot in the door, it doesn't just end there. Much of her success depends upon her own capabilities and that's a humbling reminder. Same goes for you, Chameli. People may have helped you in various ways, but your own efforts determine your staying power.
When this woman told you that she would grab you and learn from you, she was being clear about her intentions. So, you don't need to wonder what she's up to, as she's told you. At least she's honest enough to admit that, cuz not everybody does so.
I think it's better if you guys avoid discussing details about work. Today you feel that she should have shared details about the program. And if she had done that, then in the future she might feel that you owe her for this favor. You both will just end up going back and forth like this with one person being let down and the other being on their guard, and it's hard to maintain a friendship when there's competition.
So, something's gotta change. You either tell her that you prefer not to bring work into your friendship and set boundaries, or you develop a tougher skin and accept that not everyone in your life will be courteous enough to return the favors you did them. Sometimes it's because they just don't realize or care to, and other times some majooori or circumstance prevents them. Since it's easier for us to control ourselves than others, an adjustment in our expectations can reduce the anxiety. If you feel that you're being taken advantage of, then limit how much information you want to share, but don't burn bridges.
Thanks you so much for putting things into perspective for me!!! you are right, she is there today cuz she is a smart woman....I guess my expectations level is too high to the relationships I have with ppl around me.
Reha, thanks, yeah I need to stop being too nice especially when entering the business world on my own!!
Thanks you so much for putting things into perspective for me!!! you are right, she is there today cuz she is a smart woman....I guess my expectations level is too high to the relationships I have with ppl around me.
Well they say expectations hurt. As for questioning your friendship, you guys can still be friends and be around each other to discuss the work related things. You need to have a clear picture though. You are the helping type and your friend is not the helping type. Both of you are doing things based on what you think is right.
Reha, thanks, yeah I need to stop being too nice especially when entering the business world on my own!!
I would tend to disagree here. You can be nice and still be in business, but don't expect people to be as nice as you are. Everyone is different. Best of luck.
Well they say expectations hurt. As for questioning your friendship, you guys can still be friends and be around each other to discuss the work related things. You need to have a clear picture though. You are the helping type and your friend is not the helping type. Both of you are doing things based on what you think is right.
I would tend to disagree here. You can be nice and still be in business, but don't expect people to be as nice as you are. Everyone is different. Best of luck.
Well the thing is that I feel that I never go to her clients and have a clear distance to them. In adition I gave up a potential clients 2 years back cuz this friend was getting the chance and she desperately needed the money. I was just thinking that since she is in a fulltime job now and she knows that I dont have income and starting up my own that she should let me work with my client instead of becoming desperate and wanting to get involved with my client!! In order to show her the picture I started mentioning that why dont you invite me on behalf of the company you work with to speak about the certain issues, meaning I hinted that i can get involved in your area as well. In response she was quiet and never gave me any feedback..so I have been really annoyed that she expects me to give her a chance with my client while she is like that with regards to involving me in her work.
this really sounds pathetic.I know...but nontheless this is the case!!
She's using you. It happens everywhere. You are a mentor to another person and give them advice and do stuff for them and are generous but when you fall into trouble or something else like that, you'll expect that other person to show you the same courtesy you showed them when they were inexperienced, but the other person doesn't show or give you anything back. It's some sort of mentality in people that I was nice to her so she should be nice to me. It doesn't work like that.
I think you're like a doormat to her. She used you for the last 5 years and now that she has what she wanted, you're nothing to her. Moral is don't tell everything you know. Even mentors have their secrets which they don't tell to their apprentice's.