hi guys, just troubled slightly and i was hoping perhaps one of you nice people can help me out with something.
i am getting married in a few weeks, and alot of my friends from uni are already married, we are all in our late 20’s and early 30’s. Now, my problem is this. One of my closest friends whom I have known for years has started to distance herself from me, for reasons I do not know. Historically speaking, i have always felt she has a problem with married people, going by how she speaks of all our other married friends … she is 32 and single (all her siblings are married and babied up)… to give you an example, one of our friends was going through a diffuclt phase with her husband and this friend of mine whom I will refer to as X, was really, how shall i put this… quiet over whelmed, excited, joyful at our friends misfortune, and started to blame her becoz her husband left - (that was beside me totally)..
when me and my boyfriend announced our engagement she was pleased in all honesty but of late i feel she just doesnt want to be a part of this, in a wierd way i dont really mind, as i would rather not have negative people dampen my spirits, but i do miss her and i have explained this to her. She assured me nothing has upset her and our friendship is still strong.. but clearly i feel something is not right..maybe ive changed…but i feel she is becoming this mid thirties singleton who just isnt happy and feels no one else has the right to be happy either..she is ciritical of everyone she meets, she has lied to me about some of my friends which has now started to surface and i am at odds end about what to do…
i can just walk away which would be the easiest option but i think she really needs genuine people around her… and from what i see she is a free babysitter and nanny to her family, who all are very busy dealing with their own affairs to actually help her out…
ive tried to set her up with a few of my friends, my mum even introuduced a few rishta’s, which she was very grateful about at the beginning but then she just ends up bithcing about the people we introduce, for no reason… and needless to say nothing ever materialises…
i really don’t know what to do now. your thoughts will be appreciated.
I feel for your friend. If you beleive she's good enough a person to have as a friend then I think you should be loyal to her. If you have sympathy for her, then don't ignore her during an important occasion of your life. Maybe she thinks that people find her negative and thats why she is distancing her self from your wedding etc. maybe some people have given her that impression, think if you might have too?
sometimes we don't see the other side of the picture. if she was happy for your engagement then obviously there is no reason for her to not be happy for your marriage. MAybe she think she will lose another of her friend and feels the only one to be left out as all her collegues get busy with their own personal married lives and she is the only one always without any news or anything special going on in her life. I feel bad for her. If I were you, I would keep her in good faith and friendship :)- even treat her more special so she would not be negative anymore and stay happy. Also, this would help her stay hopeful about her own life, i pray she gets married in a good family soon too. :)
Perhaps she is feeling insecure and wants to distance herself from you because she fears the inevitable (abandonment). Just reassure her you will remain friends after marriage, should settle her nerves.
Sara, I know exactly what you're going through...because Im going through the saaaaaaaaaaaame thing.
Among my friends, Im usually the one who gets everyone together for dinners, parties, etc. Recently, I put together a dinner for a friend of ours who is having a baby. My wedding was discussed and everyone was asking questions on what Im doing about the decor, my dress, pictures, etc. Just girly things, yeah? We talked about high school crushes, pranks we played on each other and blah blah blah. In the middle of the conversation, she cuts me off and loudly says I have the worst taste in men (in terms of looks) and laughs about it. Everyone was shocked but then I had to say "Im also getting married soon, you might want to watch your mouth about my taste in men". It was a bit mean, I know but she has no right to say such negative things about me or him.
The point is, this is your moment to shine and have a wonderful time. You can either enjoy yourself or run around and take care of your friend's hurt feelings. She is an adult (32 is mature enough) and doesnt need a baby-sitter. Here is what you should do and what I am doing:
Include her in everything, call her, talk to her, ask her for suggestions, ideas, etc. Ignore her outburts, negative comments, etc. Pretend as if you never even heard any of it unless its outright disrespectful. Why? Because your wedding is getting to her...she will be lonely now...and is reacting to that feeling.
Perhaps your friend (deep down) wishes she was getting married as well. And that could be why she's behaving so unpleasantly. In an odd way, it's comforting for some people to have someone who is the same situation as them. It could have been comforting for your friend when you were single as well. And now that you're getting married, she might feel like she's losing you. And plus, although there are many women who are fine with being single, it can be tough to deal with the social and cultural stigma that comes with that.
^ I'm not trying to defend your friend. I'm just trying to understand her behavior. Try talking to her. Tell her that you've noticed that she seems not quite herself lately and you're concerned about her and want to know if she's doing okay. Get her to somehow talk about what's bothering her. Hang out with her. Invite her in the wedding plans (shopping, opinions, decorating, etc.).
And after making the effort, if she's STILL giving you an attitude, then just let her be by herself then. Because planning a wedding is stressful enough as it is and it's also your moment to shine......and you don't want someone's pessimism to bring you down. So, if your efforts havent' worked, then just leave her be. It's natural to be hurt, depressed, and even jealous. But one can make the effort to put on a happy face for a friend's wedding.
perhaps your friend is suffering from commitment phobia. i only say this because someone i know mentioned it the other day in a conv. and it rolls of the tongue quite nicely when said. Ok i need to goto bed.
You know they say that some people are meant to be in your life temporarily... kinda like high school, i was friends with a lot of people that i have nothing in common with anymore, i miss them a lot, but I know that if we were to hang out now, things wouldnt be the same, it just wouldnt be fun anymore. Our responsibilities, priorities, and lives have changed too much. Maybe she was right for you when you were single and you're better off without her after marriage. I would say try to talk to her one more time, and if she doesnt change, cut her off. You cant change her or the past, you will just have to cherish your previous memories.
