Ok so I have this good friend. We’ve been friends for the last 15 years and I care about her a lot, but she has always been really desperate for a boy.
She started going on online chats when she was like 14 or 15. She would meet guys online, chat with them, then progress to talking on the phone and then meet up in person. Sometimes she would drag me along with her to meet them (even though I am SO anti chatting with randoms online and meeting randoms) I just went with her because I didn’t want her to meet the dude alone.
She has never really had a real relationship. She has only had flings, and they were always guys she met online, they dated for a few days or weeks at most, and then either the guy lost interest or she found something weird/strange/wrong with them (she also tends to date the loser type, geeky or really socially awkward guys). One of the reasons it never works out is that she always dates white guys and she is Pakistani Muslim. Now I personally have nothing against white guys, a lot of them have a good head on their shoulders, but the ones she meets are always REALLY weird, with no morals.
After having a bad experience with them, like when the fling ends, she always says “ya I’m not going to date another white guy again because obviously it won’t work out” bla bla bla. And I always try to say ya you gotta be careful next time because look at what has happened.
Now she has met another white guy and I KNOW it won’t work out and I tried to remind her to please be careful and stuff and I even asked “well what about religion” and she totally brushed it off and was like “Well whatever” and I feel like now she doesn’t care if it will work out or not she just wants a boy to feel good about herself.
How can I get through to her? I tried talking to her about this like 8-9 years ago and she got really mad at me, so since then I have been very careful about bringing it up, but I just think its stupid what she is doing. She is so desperate she goes for any guy that shows a slight interest in her and it never even works out. I thought she would learn her lesson as she has been with over 15 guys at least by now.
She is also quite old now 27…so she should NOT be casually dating. She should only go out with guys with the intention of marriage.
OHH my 15 guys, I think she’ll win the “how many people have you been with” game after marriage.
I would say, for the last time talk to her about it, but since shes old, I don’t think there is much you can do. Break it down for her, in a nice manner and let her know how this is not good for her future. If she startes getting mad, ask her is this what she wants for her life to be like?
What does she look for in a relationship? Has she ever been with a Muslim guy? How religious is she? Looking at all those things and maybe pick a matrimonial place/site for her. Becuase I can understand if she does not want to marry a paki, but you have to make it clear on the religious part.
I have suggested trying to meet MUSLIM guys for the purpose of marriage through her parents. Her response "My parents don't know anyone"...which is true. They don't have any family friends or relatives here.
Then I told her that I was willing to talk to my mom for her. My mom knows an uncle who is very well known in the community and he does match making. She said NO to that because she wants to meet a guy on her own and fall in love. She has something against the arranged route. I told her it wouldnt really be arranged as she could still meet with the guy and get to know him and decide for herself, but she wants that fairy tale romance. She said "maybe in a few years if I still have not found anyone," but she is already 27 like I said, so she doesn't exactly have "a few years."
Well you sound like a great friend to be so concerned for her. It seems as if you have tried talking to her and everything and its not working so why stress over it? She sounds very immature with poor self esteem and I think its better that she doesn't get married ruining some poor guy's life.
What a dum-dum! She'll regret it BIG time. I have friends that are like that and one that has learnt from her mistakes and deeply regrets doing all that crap because shes got a bad reputation now. Once someone finds out youre doing stuff like that, and believe me they will cos the truth always come out, your name will be left with a stain and people will always remember you it. Do your best to advice her not to do this stuff and to thing of the consequences. If that dont work then let her be she will learn. She's obviously got some confidence or sel esteem issues going on and searching in the wrong places to boost em! She needs to learn to love herself, she doesnt need random men with hidden agendas to tell her shes special and beautiful!!
She started meeting men she met on the internet at the age of 15 - and now she's 27. Have you guys been friends all along? Sounds to me you've been her friend all along and if that's the case and you haven't been able to make any significant changes in her ways then what makes you think you can do it now? There is no magic solution to make someone stop doing something overnight. Let her be. You do what you gotta do.
Pardon my asking, but I'm just wondering if you're married candy-apple.?? If you are then I'm sure you already have your own life to worry over, if not, you could... well worry.. rather care about that instead, as in IA finding a great guy for yourself. Clearly, your friend doesn't need your advice, neither does she care for it. I wouldn't fuss over such a friend too much..
If you wanted to, you can try taking her to functions or dinners in the community and then casually mentioning to aunties or someone that your friend is single. Especially if they ask about your friend. Maybe she will meet someone that way. But then again she might not want to do that with you.
I think if she is 27, she is well aware of what the community will think about her behavior. You could possibly try taking her to some halaqas or something, and she will get more knowledge of the deen and maybe that will make her think twice. I dont really know what to tell you except make du'aa for her.
If you are really desperate to help, instead of suggesting to go to aunties for matchmaking why don't YOU find her a nice muslim boy and that way she wont feel all weird about it.
If she has a thing for white boys then maybe help her find a nice white boy, and not creeps from the internet
^ what do you expect? dating constantly white guys for 12 years and not the "asian loosers" you expect her to be saving herself for marriage?
i dont think you need to do anything for her, she is on self created path and 27 and dating is normal for a western/white community, i dont think she cant adjust with any backward asian anyway now. in late 30's you will find her in a relatively stable relationship with a white or any non asian guy most likely. and may get married if she finally found someone!
