hello everyone. i am new here but have been following the threads on this forum for a while now. i really like some advice people give out here so i am asking in hopes that someone can help me with my friend problem.
my best friend and I have a common friend and we have known him since high school. my best friend used to have a crush on him like 7 years ago, but once she got to know him she totally stopped liking him as anything other than a friend. now this guy just won’t leave her alone. he like cannot go a day without talking to her, either over the phone or through msn. my friend indulges him because she feels “sorry for him” (her words). normally i wouldn’t care but it gets so damn annoying listening to her complain about him not letting her finish her work n blah blah. obviously she wouldn’t listen to me when i tell her to just put an end to all the talking/msging, and when i tell her that i am not interested in listening to her whine, she gets upset. so last week i told this guy that my friend does not like him and that he should really give her some space, and he started being rude to me! he said some things i am unlikely to ever forget/forgive, and when i told my friend about this she informed me that this guy was having a bad day. i know for a fact that my friend does not like this guy so she shouldn’t even be encouraging his behaviour. on top of it, we are roommates and see each other every evening and have dinner/watch tv together so her complaining just drives me nuts. is there any thing i can do to either break them apart (evil i know) or tell my friend to stop complaing to me without making her upset?
Well, there is the possiblity that even though your friend says she doesn't like him, she really does. Or that at some point, she may decide that she does like him after all. Since she hasn't really made any effort to distance herself from him, it leads me to believe that perhaps his behavior isn't really all that annoying to her after all. Sometimes people complain about things because it makes them feel important. Sort of like, "Oh, look at how he can't stop talking to me. I'm so important that he can't go a day without me, it's so annoying," but secretly thinking, oooh, how cool, he can't go a day without me.
I wouldn't try to break them apart, but I would make it clear to your friend that it is really difficult to hear her complain about him so much. Tell her that it makes you view him in a really negative light and that it isn't really fair to him for her to complain about him and not give him any indication that thats how she feels.
no she does not like this guy, at least he's not her first choice. she likes another guy who she is seeing right now. she does not bad mouth him. sorry for not being clear about that one. all she does is complain about how he keeps talking to her and she cannot get her work done. she whines and whines and whines some more about how she has this and that to do and this guy won't let her finish it because he called or left a message or emailed. of course she will never explain why she even bothers to take his calls/messages. and i have tried, for many years now actually, to get her to either quit or stop complaining to me. it's just that she gets really upset if i tell her that i am not interested in listening to her, and so i always end up grinding my teeth and giving her my attention. it's gotten to a point where i feel like avoiding my friend just so i don't have to hear her complain about this guy :(
Hmmm - sorry to say this, but sounds like your friend isn't being receptive to you. You need to be firmer, and just let her be upset, and let her know that it is upsetting to YOU when she does this.
It kind of sounds a little like your friend is being selfish. I don't know her, so I may be getting the wrong impression here, but that's how it comes across to me.
he knows that this guy is our mutual friend from high school and that we still talk to him. i doubt he knows that she talks to him for many hours each day before going to sleep or in the morning when he gives her wake up calls or in the middle of the day when she is supposed to be working ... and i will not be informing her bf about this because i don't feel that it's my business to interfere in their relationship ...
Hmmm - sorry to say this, but sounds like your friend isn't being receptive to you. You need to be firmer, and just let her be upset, and let her know that it is upsetting to YOU when she does this.
It kind of sounds a little like your friend is being selfish. I don't know her, so I may be getting the wrong impression here, but that's how it comes across to me.
we have always talked about any problems/complains that we have with our lives or people or anything else. i never mind her talking to me. it's just that i hate it when she whines about this guy, because i know that she is encouraging his behaviour on purpose and has no right whatsoever to complain about it. at the same time letting her be upset for a day or two is fine but i cannot make her too upset. we live together and i see her everyday and well i just don't want things to get bad between us :(
good advice and i would have actually followed it through too except that the house we live in is my parent's and i doubt they will understand my problem. and i cannot ask my friend to move out because then i'll have to find another roommate and she will know about it and well you see, i really love her and do not want things to get bad between us .... i am just starting to hate this guy for being a pathetic thing and just not moving on with his life!!!!
i know this problem seems unsolvable and i may just have to deal with it as i have been doing for the past 7 years :(
Either your friend likes this guy and doesn't want to admit it for some reason OR she truly doesn't like him and is continuing the communication only to get an ego boost at his expense, which is very wrong.
In my opinion, it is not your headache to try and split these two individuals up. You told this guy that your friend doesn't like him and it didn't work. He still likes her and instead of considering your information, he treated you disrespectfully. Why worry about a guy like that? If he's so adamant about getting hurt, then so be it. And if your friend doesn't care about hurting someone just to get her ego boost, then she has her own conscience to deal with. You need to focus on YOUR problem. And your problem is that you're becoming emotionally weighed down by your friend's complaints.
So this is what you do. Tell your friend that encouraging a guy out of pity will only hurt him worse in the long run and is wrong. And then tell her that you're getting frustrated with her complaints because you don't know how to help her especially if she HERSELF doesn't want to fix the problem and stop talking to the guy. Ask her what complaining accomplishes if nothing is being done to fix the problem?
The next time she talks about the guy, simply change the subject. Or get up and do something else. Or directly tell her you're not dealing with this. If she gets offended, tell her you've heard enough of the situation and there are more positive things to talk about. Once she sees that you're not encouraging her complaints, she'll hopefully quit.
Either your friend likes this guy and doesn't want to admit it for some reason OR she truly doesn't like him and is continuing the communication only to get an ego boost at his expense, which is very wrong.
In my opinion, it is not your headache to try and split these two individuals up. You told this guy that your friend doesn't like him and it didn't work. He still likes her and instead of considering your information, he treated you disrespectfully. Why worry about a guy like that? If he's so adamant about getting hurt, then so be it. And if your friend doesn't care about hurting someone just to get her ego boost, then she has her own conscience to deal with. You need to focus on YOUR problem. And your problem is that you're becoming emotionally weighed down by your friend's complaints.
So this is what you do. Tell your friend that encouraging a guy out of pity will only hurt him worse in the long run and is wrong. And then tell her that you're getting frustrated with her complaints because you don't know how to help her especially if she HERSELF doesn't want to fix the problem and stop talking to the guy. Ask her what complaining accomplishes if nothing is being done to fix the problem?
The next time she talks about the guy, simply change the subject. Or get up and do something else. Or directly tell her you're not dealing with this. If she gets offended, tell her you've heard enough of the situation and there are more positive things to talk about. Once she sees that you're not encouraging her complaints, she'll hopefully quit.
i followed your advice step by step. first i told her what i thought about the entire drama, but of course that didn't help. then i told her that i was willing to listen to anything she had to say, but i wouldn't listen to anything to do with that guy. well i think it worked. she still talked to me after about other things. she didn't talk as much as usual but i think i got my point through to her. thank you.
^ No problem at all. Your friend probably didn't talk as much as usual because previously her entire conversation centered mainly on the guy. Now that she isn't talking about him....the conversation level has decreased.
I've been through that situation before....and if you're consistent with changing the subject, reminding your friend that you're not having the discussion.....it will work. Just keep telling your friend that there are so many more positive things to talk about instead of this situation that will only drain the energy out of** her** and out of you...especially if she's not gonna fix the problem. Tell her that you're her friend and you really enjoy her company and value the friendship you both share....but dwelling on a problem that can be easily solved is not good for either of you. This way she'll understand that you still love her as a friend...it's just the complaining that's an issue.
*And I have a suspicion your friend might subconsciously like this guy. I could be wrong.
Yeah you've already made it clear to her what you think of this issue. Keep changing the topic as soon as she brings up this guy drama and she will eventually get the point. At the same time, talk to her about everything else under the sun just so that she doesn't think you're not being a good friend.
^ Yes Augustsunshine is right. Continue being your cheerful supportive self. Talk to your friend about all the other topics you two enjoy discussing. Invite her to hang out with you. Spend some girl time together. So that she feels like you still care about her and are her friend.
she lead this poor guy on who was in love with her for two years...before going to pakistan and marrying someone else. She never intended to marry him, but as I saw from that situation sometmes it's hard for girls to turn down such devotion and flattery.
your friend, ultimately, may be nothing like the girl I knew (and I hope she's not), but I'm glad to see that you stood up and let her know how you felt.
The thing is, your friend has to be the one to figure this out...otherwise you just look jealous.
So, a simple solution is for you to have a very firm but brief chat with her and explain that you want no part in this drama...you dont care to hear it and if she needs to vent...start blogging or something...but you are no longer interested in her love life. Then, carry on like nothing happened. If she brings it up again, switch subjects.