Re: forgotten promises!
You know I came across these words once when I was mediating between my parents because my mom was upset and my dad was making excuses for his family (his sisters being obnoxious with my mom). And I said yes what ur saying is true and getting to that point does take time but it’s not fair that she was expected to earn it and everyone else just deserved it. And he had nothing to say after that, not a word. Because he suddenly saw how his thought process was biased towards his family (and also because my mom had earned her respect a hundred times over by all the sacrifices she had made and crap she had taken from her in laws).
Alll this old school thought that has been ghissi pittified in girls heads to make them submissive and obedient (not saying that it doesn’t help, probably what keeps most marriages together). But it’s so far from what healthy loving relationships should be like, especially between a husband and a wife. U know the word libaas used for ur spouse in the Quran, it’s such an eloquent way to put, how it gives u protection and a sense of being safe and covered from the rest of the world, and how it beautifies u and makes u feel good, and the same way u r the libaas for ur spouse, providing them with the same thing but in a different way. And no u shouldn’t have to earn love and respect, u should offer that to ur spouse from the get go. And u should build on it with all ur positive experiences and only take away from it if u r being hurt in anyway. If ur starting from zero love and respect and then u get sh!tty in laws and an unsupportive husband then where does that leave ur relationship. But if u start with 100, u take off a few points every time u take a hit, or u add a few points every time every time u have a meaningful experience. Atleast u wont be initiating right into a broken relationship. So plz old school ppl get over this earning love and respect thingie, especially since I’ve never heard it being applied to the husbands and in laws.
And on a seperate note, OP, realistically speaking all those promises are always too good to be true, people change, circumstances change, and apparently u always get the short end of the stick and have to compromise. But don’t worry, mostly u won’t even notice (until years down the road) what ur giving up piece by piece, because ull be doing it for the person u luv and for ur children. It just seems more bleak now because u have ur FIL breathing down ur neck. It’s a slump, just try to get thru it and it will be fine iA.