You know during engagement period, your fiancé butters you up and make real promises for life. Not long term ones, like one day we’ll buy a house or caravan but promises like
You will be treated like a queen/princess in my family!
They will treat as your daughter
I will always stand by your side etc..
Now after marriage, you wonder where are those promises that made your decision to marry into family.. Don’t you feel like shouting to your hubby, where are those promises!!!?!?? Bbb
Re: forgotten promises!
Rose, tell me...is it possible for a person to always stand by your side? You love your daughter so much...you may say that you love her unconditionally....but will you stand by her side when she's being unreasonable or when she's doing something wrong? What if she wants to tackle a matter aggressively and you, in your wisdom, know that it will create a bigger mess and she'll suffer more.....would you stand by her wishes or risk giving her a little bit of pain in exchange for greater protection? Is it possible for you to treat your daughter as a princess all the time? Or will be there days when she won't get her way and will have to compromise?
If your in-laws are not treating you like a princess or even a daughter.....it's not your husband's fault. He can't make guarantees for other people's behavior....even his own parents...because he can't control them. The most he can do is try to reason with them, but if he fears they will harden even more toward you ....maybe he's trying to protect you.
forgotten promises!
I can totally understand. It kind of feels like you got robbed right?? Unfortunately, what RV is saying is the reality for many. You can not change people my dear. You just have to accept people for how they are, as evil as that may be. When it comes to immediate family, you will be better off ignoring it. You just have to. Your FIL has quite a mouth though, it's shocking. Please talk to your husband calmly and get some things off your chest.
Re: forgotten promises!
How about give him and your inlaws a reason for you to be treated that way?
all these promises are based on conditions... conditions that you will do your part in actually earning all this..
You cannot expect his family... or anyone for that matter to love you without you having done anything..
We need to quit holding our husbands or anyone for that matter, to these promises.
We promise a lot of crap too during engagement. Of being reasonable. Of loving him and his family. Of dieing for him and what not.... are the husbands holding that against us?
Love, respect, trust is all earned. Not handed to you on a silver platter.....
Re: forgotten promises!
Love, respect, trust is all earned. Not handed to you on a silver platter.....
You know I came across these words once when I was mediating between my parents because my mom was upset and my dad was making excuses for his family (his sisters being obnoxious with my mom). And I said yes what ur saying is true and getting to that point does take time but it's not fair that she was expected to earn it and everyone else just deserved it. And he had nothing to say after that, not a word. Because he suddenly saw how his thought process was biased towards his family (and also because my mom had earned her respect a hundred times over by all the sacrifices she had made and crap she had taken from her in laws).
Alll this old school thought that has been ghissi pittified in girls heads to make them submissive and obedient (not saying that it doesn't help, probably what keeps most marriages together). But it's so far from what healthy loving relationships should be like, especially between a husband and a wife. U know the word libaas used for ur spouse in the Quran, it's such an eloquent way to put, how it gives u protection and a sense of being safe and covered from the rest of the world, and how it beautifies u and makes u feel good, and the same way u r the libaas for ur spouse, providing them with the same thing but in a different way. And no u shouldn't have to earn love and respect, u should offer that to ur spouse from the get go. And u should build on it with all ur positive experiences and only take away from it if u r being hurt in anyway. If ur starting from zero love and respect and then u get sh!tty in laws and an unsupportive husband then where does that leave ur relationship. But if u start with 100, u take off a few points every time u take a hit, or u add a few points every time every time u have a meaningful experience. Atleast u wont be initiating right into a broken relationship. So plz old school ppl get over this earning love and respect thingie, especially since I've never heard it being applied to the husbands and in laws.
And on a seperate note, OP, realistically speaking all those promises are always too good to be true, people change, circumstances change, and apparently u always get the short end of the stick and have to compromise. But don't worry, mostly u won't even notice (until years down the road) what ur giving up piece by piece, because ull be doing it for the person u luv and for ur children. It just seems more bleak now because u have ur FIL breathing down ur neck. It's a slump, just try to get thru it and it will be fine iA.
Re: forgotten promises!
^ who is saying that u need to be sumbissive?
It's not ghissi pitti baathein... it's called common sense.
Yes, respect, love , trust is all a two say street... not one sided. But it never hurts to be the one to start off that cycle.
And where people refuse to accept you even after doing everything, then its time reevalute the situation. You either keep fighting to be loved and respected, or you say "Stuff it. I am happy with my life and dont need to be loved by ignorant people to make me happy".
And trust me, the second works very well.
Re: forgotten promises!
And OP ur in laws seem the sort that no matter what u do u will never be good enough (until they get another bahu who treats them like crap and then doesn't give a crap about it). And even if they do secretly respect u and think ur doing a good job they will never let it be known. Or compliment u because it's just not in some ppl. Some of them even get offended if other ppl compliment u or find u impressive in any way, and then they find some way to put u down or to negate that positive image of u. So basically what u have try so hard to do is act like it doesn't bother u and that u don't care, and when u do that long enough, it will come so easily to u that even u will believe that it doesn't matter and u don't care. Its a long process but u'll get there. Meanwhile just try not to hold that resentment against ur husband, just have one big blow up after ur FIL leaves, let it all out and then be at peace with it :) . (And also expect that that big blow will not change anything and ur husband will still act the same way about this whole situation, it will only be u who will have to change ur way of thinking about it).
Re: forgotten promises!
Sadzz it's just when u said "How about give him and your inlaws a reason for you to be treated (nicely) that way?" it really hit a nerve and it sounded like OP probably deserves to be treated this way because she's such a b!itch for wanting to cut short her FILs visit, or something along those lines. Or I saw them with my life experience eyes as if my dad saying those words meant that somehow my mom deserved to be treated that way because she hadn't earned enough points in his family's scorecard yet? So I don't necessarily think u meant that just be submissive and keep doing stuff for them so they love u, but just that u haven't earned enough yet to be spoken nicely to. Shouldn't it be that u speak nicely to everyone unless they repeatedly give u a reason not to? Hence my analogy of started with a 100 and deducting and addin points instead of starting with a zero.
Re: forgotten promises!
^ to be honest, anyone saying to me that they want to cut short someone's visit, does sound like someone whose not being very nice or respectful. Khair, lets just leave that one alone.
Unfortunately, this analogy doesnt work with everyone. The 100 points and then you plus or minus and time goes on. For a lot of people, pessimistic people, it's actually, lets start from zero and go upwards... or backwards in some cases. You know, guilty until proven innocent?
I'm not sure which analogy works more. I used to be always the 100, plus minus person.
But, I think, you're really getting yourself into trouble... when you go in with the expectation that your inlaws ought to love you straight away. Repsect, or basic manners lets call it, is another story. People should show some form of hospitality regardless of what they think of you...
Where people wont accept you or respect you after years and years of trying.. then its really time to just kick them out. And come to terms with yourself and say "hey, do i really need to be accepted by these people to feel happiness?" If you arrive at the conclusion, that you dont... then let them be and enjoy your life. If you do need them, talk to them. Nicely
Re: forgotten promises!
Well realistically speaking for inlaws by the 100 points system I just meant k they would be normal, nice, cordial with u, I don't think positive expectations could really be any more than that. They can't really love u from day 1, unless ur already closely related, and even then in can go down the crapper. Oh God it sounds so depressing, I pray for peace with all in laws (and others) from the bottom of my heart.
Re: forgotten promises!
Oh rose just thank God that your fil is with you guys temporarily. He'd leave! Chor dou apna ser khapana. Let him say whatever he feels like. Don't show him how it bothers you. Maybe he's doing it on purpose so that you explode and he can use that against you. Once he realises that all his words (negative ones) are not bothering you he'd actually quit being so mean .. hopefully.
Re: forgotten promises!
And about your hubby not being so nice to you these days..well maybe he has sensed your dislike towards his dad staying with you guys. Trust me no husband would like this (no matter however unreasonable or mean his family has been) have to accept that you were not happy with him visiting you guys even before ge had come. Other issues came later...maybe your fil is actually treating you like his own daughter :p maybe that can explain him being so natural and frank in giving his opinions about everything :
Re: forgotten promises!
Gawd damn it..... Does every thread has to be about Male/FIL or MIL crap. **** happens. Roll with it. You probably know what's going in the family and he probably is trying his best to fulfill your nakhre.