Dear guppies,
I do not post much, most of the time i am a silent reader. But now i need advise of you guys.
I have been married less than two years. In our first year of marriage my husband did make some mistakes which I can not forget. It still hurts me badly when I think about that. How can I forget? Whenever I think about it, it gives me alot of pain.
What should i do?
Re: Forgive and Forget
It depends on what your husband has done to hurt you. Everyone makes mistakes. Are his actions really that unforgivable? If you want your marriage to last, I advise that you try to forget what has occurred and move on. Leave the past in the past. If he is truly sorry for what he has done and is not repeating his mistakes, let it go. Besides, in the beginning a husband and wife are still getting to know and understand each other and once they do such mistakes are generally avoidable - hopefully by now he knows what hurts you and refrains from doing those things.
First couple of years of marriage is adjusting time. He is getting to know you while trying to change himself, and you are doing the same. Don't take the growing pains to your heart. We all have gone through this period.
Re: Forgive and Forget
has he apologised and how severe was a mistake ? for example abuse is severe and annoying you isnt.
Re: Forgive and Forget
forgive---> for God's sake
forget---> for your own sanity's sake
Forgive and Forget
Think about the good times you've had with him! You have a long way to go InshAllah so look forward and forget the past coz it's gone!
:)
Re: Forgive and Forget
Agar tu koi dil dukha kay app se maafi mang ly...tab tu dil se bat nikal jati hy...nut it happens kay koi mafi na mangy tu dil mein atak jati hy dukh deti hy...yeh dil dukhny ki nishani hy..behrhal...he is your husband and we all make mistakes...so for Allah you have to forgive him..n make your life happy by remembering sweet memories n offcourse your spouse love..agr app khudh b kisi ko maf nhi krty tb bhi app asi hee situation mein hoty hain as you described
Re: Forgive and Forget
As everyone has already stated here...the first two years should be chalked up to growing pains.
You have to try to forgive and when you do forgive...you have to try to forget and see him with fresh eyes.
Re: Forgive and Forget
The thing about marriage is that it means dedication both mentally and physically,just like any other thing in life. It can takes years for couples to fully understand each other,heck there are people married for over 20 years that have problems.You have to learn how to take the good with the bad,human beings are not perfect.If he has made a mistake remember treat him the way you would want him to treat you if the mistake was made by you.Besides if everyone decided not to forgive their partners for the mistakes they had made,planet earth would have many divorcees. I would suggest you talk to him about it as an adult, tell him how you are feeling.It is something you should have done sooner,clear the air with him.If he has changed as a person then forgiving him is easy because he clearly shows signs of remorse.If that aint the case calling him out on it.Marriages are not a one sided relationship.All the best :)
Re: Forgive and Forget
You've spent 2 years with him, he must have done lots of good things to you in these 2 years. So why not concentrate on those good things. I agree with KKF, move on.
Re: Forgive and Forget
marriage is a life long pact. If you plan yours to be so, believe in forgiving, forgetting and moving on.
Re: Forgive and Forget
Talk to him about it and try to clear the air, explain how you feel if you think that will help you to get past it. And why dont you try making a list or a mental note of all the good things that your husband has done during the time that you have been married? That may help to put things into perspective and to realise 'actually...you know what, my husband is a complete babe' LOL!!!! Sorry had to add that bit.
All the best :)
Forgive and Forget
Thanks everyone for the advices! We have an arranged marriage, before getting engaged he was in relationship with some other girl. They kept in touch during the time we were engaged. One monnth after our marriage he confessed abt there past relationship and that they are just friends now. I told him to not have contact with her, he promised me that but still had contact. I discoverd that after 3 months of marriage and then again the same story, he begged me to forgive him and promised not to have contact anymore. Few months later His gf calls me and asks me to control my husband because he keeps calling her and sends messages. At that point I was really hurt and disappointed because i thought he did forget her but this wasnt the case. She told him to backoff becoz she was getting engaged. It has been now few months since this last incident, I have since then bitter feelings for him. I still do everything for him. I do love him but it is not same like before.
Re: Forgive and Forget
^ I am sorry you are going through this. Your husband's behaviour is completely unacceptable. Is he still in contact with this girl? You need to lay down the law with him. Tell him his contact with her ends NOW or he can go jump. Literally. I cannot believe the complete disregard which he has for you.
It's unfortunate, and I can understand why it must be hurtful for you Saima. All I can say that have faith in Allah and in you. You can definitely win him back. It's worth it. I know that it's easier said than done, but 20 years down the road, when you would have grown up kids and a strong family, you would thank god that you did not give up when times were tough.
Re: Forgive and Forget
or 5 years down the line when he's messaging others, you'd be like damn i shouldnt have dumped his ass on day 1. what is your level of risk tolerance?
Re: Forgive and Forget
Thanks everyone for the advices! We have an arranged marriage, before getting engaged he was in relationship with some other girl. They kept in touch during the time we were engaged. One monnth after our marriage he confessed abt there past relationship and that they are just friends now. I told him to not have contact with her, he promised me that but still had contact. I discoverd that after 3 months of marriage and then again the same story, he begged me to forgive him and promised not to have contact anymore. Few months later His gf calls me and asks me to control my husband because he keeps calling her and sends messages. At that point I was really hurt and disappointed because i thought he did forget her but this wasnt the case. She told him to backoff becoz she was getting engaged. It has been now few months since this last incident, I have since then bitter feelings for him. I still do everything for him. I do love him but it is not same like before.
You have to allow yourself to go through the process of grieving for the breach of trust..and it is a process! Forgiveness and forgetting will come in due time. Just as relationships change, love changes too. You may not feel the same towards him at the moment, and rightfully slow, but as you get over this bad phase, the love in your heart will change too. These ebbs and flows are present in every marriage. If he starts changing and puts forth an effort, give him the opportunity to regain your trust.
Re: Forgive and Forget
Few months later His gf calls me and asks me to control my husband because he keeps calling her and sends messages. At that point I was really hurt and disappointed because i thought he did forget her but this wasnt the case. She told him to backoff becoz she was getting engaged. It has been now few months since this last incident.
Did you speak to your husband after the ex-gf called you? What was his reaction? You said it's been a few months since this last incident....so has he stopped contacting her?
Forgive and Forget
If you are content in knowing your husband is truly sorry and will never do it again then forgiveness will come with time. Like someone said you need to give yourself the time to get over this. However that can only happen if you in your heart feel your husband can get your trust back.
Re: Forgive and Forget
I think every relationship has rocky and rough patches...there's no such thing as a perfect marriage and YES ex's resurface after years of no contact at times.
You have to be stronger than this if you want to survive "till death do us apart"...literally.