Forced Marriage

[nabnab]

Re: Forced Marriage

@redvelvet

Wasalam. Is there any family member who has some influence and whom you can confide in and can reason with your parents on your behalf? Such as a grandparent, aunt/uncle, older sibling or cousin? Maybe this person can get your dad to keep an open-mind.

The guy you’re in love with…has he ever talked to you about sending his parents over to your home for a rishta? If he has not said anything about this and if he has no intention/plan to do this…then it’s better to move on from him.

I understand that your dad’s whole approach to this matter is wrong. But have you met this guy that your dad has in mind for you? Have you spoken with him? If not, you might like him after getting to know him. That’s another option to consider.

However, if you are absolutely certain that you do not want to marry this guy, do you have his contact information (phone/email/etc)…? If not, you may have to do some searching. Contact the guy and tell him (as tactfully as possible) that you do not want to marry him. That way (hopefully) he can refuse the rishta from his end …and (hopefully) without ratting you out…and that way the whole matter can come to end. Although, if your dad’s still going to maintain the same rigid mentality, then it’s only a matter of time before the same issue takes place with yet another guy. So the root of the problem is your dad’s mentality; that needs to be addressed. There needs to be open dialog between you and your parents where you can tell him what qualities you want in a rishta and where you both can meet in the middle. If your own attempts at talking to him are not working…then maybe someone else might get through to him…but it’s better to start from within the family first…before branching out to enlist outside help as that obviously comes with its own risks.

Keep in mind that you boyfriend…as attached as you are to him…may not be the one for you. That doesn’t mean that you should marry the guy your dad has chosen. It may not be him either. It may be someone totally different.

In regards to istikhara, I have done it several times and it hasn’t failed me. In fact I did it for a matter about 1or 2 months ago and I did get a few strange dreams, but I didn’t rely solely on the dreams. I kep an open mind and I put in some effort and with time Allah made the right path clear for me. I didn’t just do istikhara once or twice…rather I did it for several days and after every prayer even. Istikhara is not about watching out for dreams and signs and opens. Read the translation of the dua. It says that if a matter is good for you, that Allah will make it easy for you. And if it’s not good for you, then he’s turn it away from you. So basically, istikhara is about watching how the events unfold. If a matter is beneficial for you, then Allah will make it happen. If a matter is not good for you, you will find that it won’t happen…it’ll come to an end. I would encourage to keep doing istikhara…daily…until a conclusion/answer is reached. It’s easy to get hasty and think that our dua didn’t work…but sometimes we have to keep asking. So don’t let anybody on this forum or outside of this forum or even the whispers within you tell you that istikhara doesn’t work. It does.

Also, given that your dad has a short temper…I think it’s better if you deal with him patiently as possible. And I admit that’s easier said than done. Your first impulse may be to raise your own voice. But he’s likely to perceive it as rebellion and may take extreme measures to ‘quash’ it.

yes, the person i wish to marry also wishes to marry me. He has talked to his mum (his dad has passed away) and his sister has contacted me, telling me she will try to convince her family. I feel his family will be convinced soon. As of now, only my dad is objecting.

I have 3 brothers who are in UK. 2 of them are very racist and i know that once they find out i love someone outside the caste, they will make it even harder for me. 1 of them is sensible. He even married a woman of his choice, outside the caste, but unfortunately he says he regrets it. I believe it’s only because my dad is still not talking to him although i believe he would have been happy if only my dad gives up on such pride he has. I know that my brother has asked my parents multiple times to marry the woman of his choice but they always refused. I feel they have compelled him themselves yet blame him and make him suffer by not talking to him either now. They would never admit their mistakes. anyways, because of this, he told me to step away from this and keep my parents happy.

i tried imagining my life with the guy my dad has chosen but i only see myself remembering who i really love. I feel i wont be a good wife, a good daughter-in-law and everything. I don’t see myself smiling even if i’ll be around him and his family. i wont be happy. i don’t wanna take such a big risk and end up ruining not only my life, but his too, and the person i love and also my parents’.

I have the person’s contact but im only afraid that telling him might worse things even more. my sister says he’s a family boy so he’ll definitely tell his dad, who is my chachu and who lives in UK. one reason why my dad wants me to marry him is because all my siblings have UK passport except me, so this marriage will allow me to have one and live there with the rest of my family, who actually kinda live far from where my chachu lives. a 3 hour drive. i have been to UK and i didnt even like it there.

also, im afraid that even if he is successfully able to call off the rishta on his behalf, my parents will definitely doubt me that i resulted this. and i cant tell what things my dad will do to me.

I also think that if im a type of woman who can easily shift my heart from the one i love to another person, what guarantee is there that i wont do the same after marriage. I know many women who were forced into marriage, then they divorced or got divorced and got back to the one they loved first. I dont wanna do that. I was always against it but as the time comes near and i come closer to the reality and experience this first hand, i realize there can be such possibilities. i never imagined myself saying that. once, I even clearly said to the person i love that if i got married somewhere else, i wouldnt look back at all. but… its hard to say now.

My dad has finally agreed on me going to college, only on the condition that i be dropped and picked by my mum everyday. things are sort of calming down but i feel that its because they think i have agreed to their choice. im afraid to bring up this topic to him again in case he completely grounds me. also, i sort of have 3 years before this marriage take place. but less than a month before they finally share the news of fixing the alliance with everyone else. i was hoping to finish this matter before many people find out so that will help my parents too. but im not sure if i should talk now or later, when im mid-studying so they dont have a choice to ground me.
I will keep in mind regarding the istekhara and do it more often. Thank you so much for your suggestions.